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david0123
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 9/28/2010 6:21 PM (GMT -6)   
For the last few years, I've been feeling worse and worse about myself, the people around me, and life in general. Things have really gotten worse lately, and I can barely manage my daily routine. I don't know how much longer I can put up with this. I'm a fairly closed individual, and this is the first time I've ever posted anywhere about this...

wolflover
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 222
   Posted 9/28/2010 7:43 PM (GMT -6)   
It is OK, David. I know how you feel.i get like that a lot. It is hard to explain the feeling. Life is hard. Have you tried talking to a counselor? Talking to people on here can help too. We are here for you.

david0123
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 9/28/2010 7:45 PM (GMT -6)   
I don't want to try a counsellor. I don't want to get my parents involved either, as they're part of the problem.

Trying to Understand
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 776
   Posted 9/29/2010 4:39 AM (GMT -6)   
Time isn't that good. Talking is better.

If you don't want to try a counselor, try talking here. You will find an experienced ear, friendship, some ideas, a place to vent. We all have been there, and often need to vent about new things that come up.

myjoy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 686
   Posted 9/29/2010 5:27 AM (GMT -6)   
Good post, TtU. Yes please, at least talk to us about your troubles. Sometimes there are answers where you thought there were none.
DX fibromyalgia 2007, OCD, depression, anxiety, sleep apnea, hysterectomy, gallbladder surgery.
meds - fluoxetine (prozac), abilify, trazodone, lorazepam, nabumetone, hydrocodone, c-pap machine.
A friend loves at all times. Proverbs 17:17

david0123
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 9/29/2010 9:08 AM (GMT -6)   
At this point, I don't want to have to deal with anything, or anyone...

stkitt
Elite Member


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 9/29/2010 10:55 AM (GMT -6)   
Hello,
 
I have a 28 year history of Major Depressive Disorder and I know how bad the really low times feel.  Many of us here know where you have been and what your going through.

When your fears have the best of you, it is easy to feel that things will not get any better. This is not true. There is much help available in today’s society and the best way to deal with your fears is to find effective ways to overcome them. Instead of focusing on doom, stay in the moment. Give yourself breathing space. Consider what matters to you. Establish a few manageable goals, then take small steps toward achieving them. Don’t try to stop everything as once as you may be setting yourself up for failure. 

Please know coming here is a wonderful and courageous step. You are voicing your fears so you know what they are.

You will find support here so keep talking with us.

Kindly,

Kitt


~~Kitt~~
Moderator: Anxiety/Panic, Osteoarthritis, GERD/Heartburn and Heart/Cardiovascular Disease.
www.healingwell.com

"If you can't change the world, change your world"

david0123
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 9/29/2010 10:29 PM (GMT -6)   
Sometimes...well, a lot of times, I feel almost like I don't want to get better, because I know I'm going to end up back where I started soon enough. It's happened to me many times before, and it will happen again...

Trying to Understand
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 776
   Posted 9/29/2010 11:42 PM (GMT -6)   
Please tell us more. I think that putting your feelings into words helps. Someone told me that thoughts are better than going by feelings. Does that make any sense? As in you feel it might get better, but whats the use. When you're feeling better you KNOW in your brain that there are still some good times that you can still enjoy.
Please identify the things that are getting you down, the people, etc. We want to help. Are you taking care of yourself, regular meals, no alcohol or street drugs (contributes tons to depression), daily hygiene? I always liked taking walks after dark if you are in a safe area, its cool, crisp, starry, and no one to have to stop and chat with. Sometimes just saying hi takes too much energy when you don't have any to spare. Get yourself cleaned up and go get something to eat at a restaurant. Tell them you're in a bit of a hurry, sometimes it works to get served promptly., but don't count on it, ha ha. I used to like to go out for breakfast any time of the day or night if nothing else. I enjoyed smelling the food and coffee, hearing the clink of the china. Somehow soothing.
Please continue to post. What's worse? Let us know what is discouraging you so. We care.
Sandy

david0123
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 9/29/2010 11:48 PM (GMT -6)   
Without going too much into detail, I've been feeling...I guess 'apathetic' and nihilistic increasingly over the last few years. I really dislike almost everything about myself, and try as I might, I can't let go of things that have happened in my past that have helped to place me in this situation.
Normally I'm quite a hearty eater, but lately I've been eating only one or maybe two meals a day...I don't feel hungry anymore. In addition, although I try to get a fair bit of sleep, I've been falling asleep in class, something I never used to do.

Trying to Understand
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 776
   Posted 9/30/2010 12:18 AM (GMT -6)   
Nihilistic, that can mean a few things. Break it down for me.

This is a quote from another post, which I thought might apply to your situation.
"When I am in the stage of, 'why bother, I won't make it anyway', the very next fighting thought is, why give up, I might just make it! When I was your age, I was very much stuck in that frame of mind" This person had suffered from abuse, and major depression. Years later, she is still going, doing well in spite of it all. Deals with her depression, takes good care of herself.

Remember that you are looking at this from you level of maturity, age, now, and that later on if you re-examine your beliefs, understanding, etc. of the current situation , you will see it differently. And sometimes you will see that you were on a roll of disappointment and disbelief at the time, with good reason, and it does grind to a halt eventually. There will be better times interspersed in with the not so good times of depression. I can't count the times thru my life that I felt it was too unbearable to go on. Many. And I just endured. And a good thing, because there were a lot of GREAT things that happened, although I still had trouble with recurrent depression.
Great things? I travelled to Africa twice and went on photographic safaris. What a different life. After 50, I went to Mexico a couple times, learned to snorkel and see the beautiful colored fish, made friends with some locals who were very attentive to my whims, went parasailing, lived in a foreign country for a year while my husband #1 was in the Army, gave birth twice and have 2 successful adult children now. They have not shown to be struggling as I did. I've had pets that have given me so much joy. Raised a blue and gold macaw from a featherless baby. Had a canary that lived for 9 years, serenading me at sunrise and sunset every day. My dogs adored me. Built a small fish pond and put koi in it. Planted many flower gardens that were spectacular. Good times do come to an end. Then its life as usual. And maybe bouts of depression.
Life always goes on. Don't be too quick to bail out on yourself.
Now, if you're falling asleep in class it might be because you aren't eating enough. That used to happen to me. I had toast and jelly for breakfast, donuts and milk for lunch. A very hard sugar high, and rock bottom low. Figure out something to eat, cheese and crackers, microwave soup, go have a real breakfast. You know what you can do. Do it. I don't think that its because you're tired tho I may be wrong. You're very depressed. Feed yourself good food, even if its not very much.
Post again.

Trying to Understand
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 776
   Posted 9/30/2010 12:20 AM (GMT -6)   
What is it about yourself that you don't like? Don't be afraid to confide, no one knows who you are, and we can't find out.
Everyone is a little dissatisfied with themselves unless they're Narcissists.
Please explain.

david0123
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 9/30/2010 12:27 AM (GMT -6)   
I acknowledge that there are good things in my life; indeed, I'm much better off than most people in the world. The thing is, sometimes it feels like there's no point to anything I do. Anything I've tried to fix to this point has either failed or ended badly.

When I said I was feeling nihilistic, I meant that I really feel life has no point whatsoever; we are born, we live, and we die. Anything we do in the short time we're here ceases to matter quickly.

I don't like the way I blindly stumble into making the same mistakes I have before, despite dwelling on my mistakes constantly. I don't like how I am unable to let go of anything negative in my past. I don't like how it's becoming harder and harder for me to talk to people. I don't like how I act in front of others. I don't like the way I look. I don't like how I have never been able to see the positive side of things, despite my best efforts. I don't like how I can't even talk to most people for more than a few seconds. The list goes on...

Trying to Understand
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 776
   Posted 9/30/2010 12:48 AM (GMT -6)   
I don't know how old you are, but a lot of people go thru those feelings. And acting that way. There is something called Social Anxiety and it sounds like you have it. Your self-esteem is low. We all repeatedly do things we should know better than repeating, like building friendships or relationships that are unsuitable for us. Getting jobs that are doomed to failure from the start. Taking classes that are disappointing. Taking on responsibilities that shouldn't be ours.
Twelve step programs, which now extend to a lot of things other than drugs and alcohol, have a saying . Insanity is doing the same things over again and expecting different results. It's popular because we can all relate to it, not that we're insane. Its human nature to a certain extent. I always hated hearing people say, oh, she's so sweet, lots of fun and bubbly. I wanted so bad to be "that", but was for the most part depressed, quiet, withdrawn, shy, you name it. Now, I know those qualities came from having a poor upbringing, negative environment which in the face of huge amts of emotional stress, turned into Bipolar Depression. I couldn't have been bubbly if I was a pot of water on the stove. Now, I have lightened up A LOT, time does that. I avoid people like the plague, not good, but works for me in my current depression. I don't recommend it. When I have to I can make small talk, be pleasant, and even smile. Not for very long tho, its tiring. And I freak out when photos are being taken, totally unable to smile on command. Since I'm old, it doesn't matter so much. But you have your life ahead of you. You can tackle these things. If you went to a therapist every week, I think you would feel progress. Maybe you wouldn't like the therapist, go to another one. Get to the bottom of this problem. I waited too long and wish I didn't. But in those days we didn't have social anxiety, anxiety-panic attacks identified in so many words. We went thru psycho analysis, the slowest way to go.
Post some more. I'm here.

david0123
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 9/30/2010 12:53 AM (GMT -6)   
Well, the weirdest thing is, I'm never happier than when I'm with someone I care about, be it a good friend (don't really have any anymore), a family member (rarely), or a girlfriend (also rarely). I know I want to be with people, but at the same time I can't deal with them...I am socially adept enough to tell when people don't really want to be around me.

Trying to Understand
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 776
   Posted 9/30/2010 1:02 AM (GMT -6)   
Well, why would not want to be with you? You're intelligent, caring, self-aware. I don't like to be with people who tell me dirty jokes, the joke may be funny, but I am embarrassed. Also, using very "colorful" language, although I use the same language in my thoughts. People who go into detail about very personal physical health problems, yuk.
What could you possibly be talking about? Answer me that please.
Its probably more like you think you don't have anything worthy enough to talk about. Or, you're sabotaging yourself.
I'm encouraged that you said you're the happiest when you're with people you like.
Post as much as you like, I'm on the west coast and its still early. You may have to get up however.
I'm here.

david0123
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 9/30/2010 9:11 AM (GMT -6)   
I feel like pretty much whenever I do or say something, people generally either ignore it or give me the quickest, most concise response they can. Recently, I've pretty much just given up on starting conversations. Almost nobody talks to me (even the people I consider to be friends) unless I initiate the conversation, and even then it's brief. This doesn't apply just to face-to-face verbal conversation, but also to the phone, texting, email, Facebook, and the like.

wolflover
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 222
   Posted 9/30/2010 12:28 PM (GMT -6)   
I know how you feel. You can't help that you feel that way. Maybe your like me and the reason you don't talk is because you feel like you don't know what to say. Maybe there is just to much hurt sometimes. Maybe you feel as if you will be judged.Do you trust yourself David?

Trying to Understand
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 776
   Posted 9/30/2010 12:33 PM (GMT -6)   
Giving up is not the answer.
I sort of push myself to continue dialoguing with certain people, refusing to let it die.
I chime in on FB, saying "what, you're xxxx ! Didn't know that. Great news. " or "Hey, xxx, guess what we're having a thunderstorm. Yay. How's your weather?"
I had 3 friends who kept sending me email fwds, when and if they wrote, went on and on about someone else, like their kids lives and troubles, and didn't ever say how they were or what they were doing. I told them so, and they didn't like it. I mean, I don't even know their adult kids. And that was the end of that. They refuse to really communicate.

Don't forget, you can't read people's minds. You may think you can tell they don't want to talk to you, but you're not always right. What could be such that they aren't responding to you anymore? Why would they shy away from you?

david0123
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 9/30/2010 5:30 PM (GMT -6)   
I've had several friends, and my ex-girlfriend, who I thought genuinely liked me. In the case of my ex, I though she shared the same feelings for me as I had for her. I found out later on that she never really liked me all that much, although she led me to believe so. I don't know why she got together with me in the first place...I've just learned I'm a poor judge of people's feelings. That's why I don't bother talking much.

Trying to Understand
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 776
   Posted 9/30/2010 6:48 PM (GMT -6)   
Well, that's still giving up. Is her opinion that important? Look at the young and famous celebrities, the most attractive and seemingly perfect couples split up. Young folk are fickle. It isn't like she dumped you at the altar. Keep your eyes open and try again.
It would be helpful if you thought more of yourself. A counselor would help. Can you do some reading on the subject of self esteem and social anxiety. If you can't find enough on the internet, check the library (online) so you can put a hold on some books. I go to Amazon and look for ones that look good, five stars, read the review, and put them on a wish list, then print that and go to the library site. You can get some cheap paperbacks from Amazon, used. Try about.com
If you refuse counseling, you'll have to learn this stuff yourself.
Not only that you sound depressed. There are 2 books that I read reviews on, "The Depression Cure" and "Unstuck" by the same author. Rather doubt that it should be called a cure. But he has suggestions for recovery not using meds, but things that are important to do for yourself to maintain mental health in these trying times. Like meditation. All those who meditate think it works great, those who do not try will never know. And socializing. Since you're not into that right now, what about a part time job. Will keep you busy and you have just a little time to chit chat with people and crawl out of your shell. Not just for the money. The reviews I read were on Psych Central.
So you thought your friends liked you, build on that. Friends come and friends go. Its a fact of life. You may never know why. Move on.

stkitt
Elite Member


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 9/30/2010 6:50 PM (GMT -6)   
Good Evening,
 
If social anxeity is making you sick and isolated then it is time to change the behavior.  You have all of us here in the forum to support you with your change. 
 
Even if you tend to see the negative or look at life with pessimistic eyes it is possible to change your viewpoint. Learn to love yourself as you are a very important person and deserving of happiness. Self-love may be the greatest and most important love you  ever experience in this lifetime.
 
A way to enhance  self-love and self-esteem is to be aware of your self-talk (those things that you say to yourself inside your head). Speak to yourself in ways that are more kind, and less mean or abusive. Many of us have very harsh inner critics: When we make a mistake, this critical voice inside our head beats up on us, saying things like, "That was so stupid! ... I can't do anything right! ... What a loser!" We need to replace these negative messages with other, more positive ones. For example, "I made a mistake. That's okay: That is how I learn. I'll know better the next time." With awareness, over time, you can "catch yourself" when your self-talk is negative, and change the message to something more positive and "ego-enhancing."
I am my own worse enemy on a bad day and if I keep beating myself up I am bound to feel depresssed and wonder at my purpose here in the world.  This is when I get out my paper and pen and write down all of my achievements - no matter how important or how simple.
 
Please learn to accept yourself and stick with us.
 
Kindly,
Kitt
 
 
~~Kitt~~
Moderator: Anxiety/Panic, Osteoarthritis, GERD/Heartburn and Heart/Cardiovascular Disease.
www.healingwell.com

"If you can't change the world, change your world"

Trying to Understand
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 776
   Posted 9/30/2010 7:02 PM (GMT -6)   
Great advice Kitt. You can destroy yourself and your life with negative self talk.

There is a book titled Self Talk. Really good.

david0123
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 9/30/2010 7:06 PM (GMT -6)   
I judge myself by what others say and do around me.

Trying to Understand
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 776
   Posted 9/30/2010 7:12 PM (GMT -6)   
Well, thats counterproductive and unhealthy. At least you know thats what you;ve been doing. Its time to change.
Develop your own self esteem. Check your self-talk. Read about it and do it. I think it will work.
OR, get counselling. Its fruitless to continue down the same path to no where.
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