i dont have anyone to talk to about certain things, i wish i did but i dont want to tell anyone anything because i feel theyre going to use the information against me, look down on me, or maybe even tell me the obvious which is something i dont think i want to hear. i dont even feel okay to put details in here.
sometimes i think my problems r insignificant and im just blowing them out of proportion or that i have bigger problems then i think but im just trying to hide it. part of me wants know more and try to figure out or understand myself with the hope of a resolution, and another wishes i could just go back to being blissfully ignorant. i dont know what im doing anymore as cliche as it sounds. i feel the plans or ideas i have are useless or going to fail and i end up going back and forth on what i think i should do almost all the time now...
either way, alot of people, some are friends, some are people i've never heard of, talk behind my back and even happened to almost completely destroy many things in my life but whenever i talk to people or try to find out whos talking about me everyone lies. Person A will go "Person B is talking about you" and ill ask person b and they'll tell me that it was person a who was talking about me or they say that they dont understand what im talking about. i feel crazy, i know theres no point in trying to figure any of this out since its obvious most people are going to lie but who ever it is spreading rumours is actually starting to ruin anything i enjoy, going outside, relationships with people, my reputation and even sanity.all i hear all day is "i heard from so and so you did...", "why would you lie to me i thought we were friends..", and the list is neverending. i dont know what i did to piss whoever off so badly cause i've heard who ever it is hates me alot but its caused me to be suspicious of everyone now, i dont know who to trust and the people i do trust enough are never available to talk to and now im getting into arguments with people i care about only because "someone" keeps talking about me to them and i dont even know who it is.
how am i suppose to ignore the words people are throwing in my face. i try to ignore them since supposedly your always going to have someone talking behind your back but when i do, it ends up in an argument with someone yelling at me how im a liar or a ***** or something and me crying for hours on end. i feel stupid for doing it...i wasnt always like this, i didnt always let what people say bother me and i dont know how things got this way or what weak spot someone might be hitting. i dont even know what to think anymore,i almost feel it has be my fault since im the one letting this effect me and i feel putting the blame somewhere besides on me isnt going to help even if it did happened to be that i was innocent in the matter. i never talked about my problems before but for some reason now i feel like i want to get certain things off my chest and i dont know why.
im just really tired of hearing im a *****, b*tch, a loose b*tch, a ****, hoe, dick sucker, skank, stupid , worthless, a bad influence, peer pressurer, cheater, user, stupid c*nt, someone who'd **** anything, etc. etc.
i really thought the hs drama would end...maybe i just need new friends unno i get told i should think about what i couldve done to make all this happened or who i could've pissed off enough to make them this angry at me...how am i supose to figure that out if no one tells me the truth