Hi Sakura ! Your life thus far has certainly been sad. I'm sorry for your losses, and especially that of your innocence. It is a hard load to bear. Telling these things to a mother is difficult, and then she has to process it all and comes out at the end without a clue as to what to say to you anymore. You would do better to go to a therapist or counselor who can help you express yourself, and who is sharp enough to catch little things you say and help you sort it out. But first, maybe a trip to your regular doctor, who might give you some medication that would help, and a referral for the therapy.
It sounds like you are young. There is so much more of life for you to experience, good things. I was so glad that I didn't end my life though I wanted to because my life did come together eventually, and I have seen ups and downs after, but still life is good. Don't chat yourself out of this.
Please check in with the doctor. You need to be better before deciding, do I get a job, go to Uni, what?
Hope you are getting enough rest, eating good food, not junk, play some music, get outside in the fresh air a little.
We care about you. Please post again.