I don't know what to do feel so lost

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New Member

Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 9/29/2010 5:44 AM (GMT -6)   
What am I? Who am I? Am I really alive? I wonder what is it exactly that makes you alive does breathing equal being alive. I don’t have any motivation I don’t feel like doing anything I feel empty and tired all I want to do is sleep.
I recently found out that I may have been sexually abuse as a child by my older step brother I know I was physically abused but I don’t recall much of my childhood I think I just blocked it all out.
When I was 8 I was almost raped on holiday by someone I had previously trusted but when my aunts found out about it they seemed to think it was humorous making me feel ashamed as if I done something wrong. I had also had other men who would grope me but I never understood what they were doing until I was much older. I had also lost my father when I was on holiday an after my family came back to England it was like our entire family fell apart.
I developed more quickly than others which always attracted the wrong types of attention an again when I was ten an uncle who came to visit my family, whilst I was walking him back to the train station with my younger brother an sister he had kissed me. I’m not able to talk to my mom fully about it because every time I try there’s a language barrier, I’m not good at speaking my home language to make her understand how I feel. But more than that my mom was brought up in a way where any type of abuse is brushed under the carpet in order not to bring shame on the family. She does try to protect me by keeping me away from the guys but half of them I’d never see again anyways. I get that she's trying her hardest an I've never blamed her for anything and tried understanding her because she hasn't had the greatest life. But its frustrating I wish that she didn't have that type of upbringing so when I talk to her because all I want is her to listen but it keeps proving impossible that I don’t any more, now it just feels like I don’t really have a mom any more. Instead I just keep everything to myself and never tell her anything.
I’m rather unsociable I’m not good with people, every friend I ever had has always left me because I don’t talk much I presume, but now every friend I make I keep at an length, I don’t trust people nor do I have any desire to be intimate with any one. I keep everyone at a distance, I’m afraid to let them in. My relationships with my family are more we live together see each other but we don’t necessarily interact. I’m always in my room or at school if they want to talk they come to me I don’t go to them.
Everyone in my family in someway or another has problems to deal with an sometimes I just feel guilty thinking about my own because I know my older sisters ha also suffered different forms of abuse an I think I’m being selfish if I go on about my own problems. I tried to get on with life but it just never really worked. I had in the past self harmed because I wanted attention from them but it never worked and I stopped but the anger that has seemed to grow inside me at my family never disappeared nor has the idea of hurting myself and making them feel guilty for it.
Now I’ve just been living my life going through motions of going to school coming home ECT but I’ve never really felt alive. I’ve gotten to the point where emotionally I’m just blank, no aspirations no desires, I’m doing my a levels only for the sake of doing them but next year I nee to go Uni or get a job and I just don’t think I can all I want to do nowadays is sleep I’m even too exhausted to cry. I’ve contemplated taking my own life because in reality that’s what I am a living corpse.
I know logically that I need to do something in order to stop feeling so low but I just don’t know anymore, I’ve tried counselling when I was younger but it didn’t help much it’s hard to express yourself and sometimes I wonder what exactly is it that’s effecting me there’s so much that I have blocked out and so much I don’t understand about myself anymore. I just don’t know. What am I suppose to do?

Veteran Member

Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 790
   Posted 9/29/2010 8:34 AM (GMT -6)   
I am sorry to hear that things are so confusing for you at the moment Sakura, and awfully sorry to hear another person has experienced such mis trust but for good reason. I wish you still had your innocence.

Because you are so dis-connected from your feelings at the moment, can you 'check in' with yourselve every hour, and ask yourself, what you are feeling, and why. This was the only way I learn't how to name my feelings, and understand the differences.

Would you consider looking at the counselling again, but try it a little differently this time. When you have something to say, and you can't find the words to say it, can you write it instead? You are clearly able to write, and may find this an easier way to get some of the stuff out.

Elite Member

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 9/29/2010 10:59 AM (GMT -6)   
Hello and welcome,
I am sorry to read of your feelings and I would really like to see you consider one on one therapy again and stick with it.  Also have you talked with a medical Dr. re your feelings.  I feel it is the time for you do be proactive and search out help from a professional. 
Coming here and talking to us is a great way to get your feelings out.
Know we care and I wish you the very best,
Moderator: Anxiety/Panic, Osteoarthritis, GERD/Heartburn and Heart/Cardiovascular Disease.

"If you can't change the world, change your world"

Trying to Understand
Veteran Member

Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 776
   Posted 9/30/2010 2:28 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Sakura ! Your life thus far has certainly been sad. I'm sorry for your losses, and especially that of your innocence. It is a hard load to bear. Telling these things to a mother is difficult, and then she has to process it all and comes out at the end without a clue as to what to say to you anymore. You would do better to go to a therapist or counselor who can help you express yourself, and who is sharp enough to catch little things you say and help you sort it out. But first, maybe a trip to your regular doctor, who might give you some medication that would help, and a referral for the therapy.
It sounds like you are young. There is so much more of life for you to experience, good things. I was so glad that I didn't end my life though I wanted to because my life did come together eventually, and I have seen ups and downs after, but still life is good. Don't chat yourself out of this.
Please check in with the doctor. You need to be better before deciding, do I get a job, go to Uni, what?
Hope you are getting enough rest, eating good food, not junk, play some music, get outside in the fresh air a little.
We care about you. Please post again.

Trying to Understand
Veteran Member

Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 776
   Posted 9/30/2010 2:30 AM (GMT -6)   
If you are feeling up to it, writing in a journal is good, as suggested previously.
Can you write up a timeline of your life, when these unfortunate things happened. This will help you in therapy.
Thinking of you !
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