Loving from a Distance....

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annie.d12345
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 106
   Posted 9/30/2010 2:26 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi,
I've been away for a bit trying to deal with things alone. Though it's been pretty unsuccessful I'm back on here. It really feels positive when you feel that there are people out there you don't even know but who care to hear (read) your problems and at times provide positive thoughts and hopes and advice. I've found a friend in healing well.

So well things were going so wrong between me and my boyfriend. ( ref.- my boyfriend lives in another city. We were friends for 5 years before we got together. It started just after my breakup from my boyfriend of two years so initial months were tough for me dealing with two completely different individuals).
Anyhow my boyfriend is really in a demanding job,has debts and a lot of family issues, he would never share them with me saying I wouldn't understand. I tried initially to make him talk but he wouldn't. Eventually I kept away from trying to get to know them and tried my best to love him and support him. At times my insecurities got better of me. On one such day I accused him of cheating on me,I had no idea about his problems back then and felt he never gave me time an fought too badly with me. He just lost his cool that day and he dumped me saying I was immature and a kid. And a very manipulative and selfish person. It hurt me caz I never would know what he was facing. We aren't together anymore but I do know about his problem,mostly his demanding job,time limits etc are taking a toll on his health and stressing him out. I'm younger to him hence I don't know what to say to him when he talks about his office troubles. I don't have any advices for him and I try to do all I can to make sure he has a good evening and put him to sleep every night even if it takes me to hum him to sleep. He doesn't want a relationship I suppose but I love him and I want to make him happy and make his life a bit ether. What do I do to make him know I'm there for him? And how do I respond when he tells me about his work problems?
It stresses me out at times caz I messed up a lot in my last relation. I want to make myself a better person now and I'm trying but when my depression hits I just so low I worry and hence keep away from him so as not to pass my negativity to him.
Hope to get some help.

Love,
Annie
“Faith isn't faith until it's all you're holding on to”

Annie

Trying to Understand
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 776
   Posted 9/30/2010 2:40 PM (GMT -6)   
Don't think its necessarily your fault. Although being accused of cheating is like TNT to a relationship if you're not, maybe thats a good sign that he really hasn't. There isn't much you can say if he won't confide in you. Be affectionate as you are. When you are keepimg away because you are depressed, you can still embrace and comfort each other.

annie.d12345
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 106
   Posted 9/30/2010 2:51 PM (GMT -6)   
The problem is when he cofides in me I don't really have an advice for him all I do is comfort him by my affection. But I feel like a loser who can't take care of a mans troubles. It's just all along I have looked upto him I have been with men who took care of me and now it's me whose taking care it gets me worried that I'm not going to be able to help him. I mean what do I say when he says i have a deadline so much tension got to finish the releases of guides etc etc. I mean I can't say do it this way and do it that way he's utilising all he has already.
I'm scared.
“Faith isn't faith until it's all you're holding on to”

Annie

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 9/30/2010 5:56 PM (GMT -6)   
Annie,
 
I am sorry you are feeling down about  breaking up with your boyfreind.  Sometimes relationships do not work out but do not let that stop you from moving on.  Every relationship is built on a thin cord of trust. Unless it is treated intricately, even a good relationship would cease to remain. Trust develops from an understanding and respecting the differences that do exist in every relationship.
 
You will find the right person if you just let yourself learn and grow from this experience.  It always take two people to make or break a relationship in my opinion.
 
Gentle Hugs,
Kitt
~~Kitt~~
Moderator: Anxiety/Panic, Osteoarthritis, GERD/Heartburn and Heart/Cardiovascular Disease.
www.healingwell.com

"If you can't change the world, change your world"

Trying to Understand
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 776
   Posted 9/30/2010 6:08 PM (GMT -6)   
Annie, everybody has their problems to bear. A loving partner sure helps. But you can't solve problems for him. And if he happens to tell you about it, its hard to tell him what to do, because you just aren't there. It often comes out too simplistic.
Quit beating yourself up over it. I hope this passes. Do you really want to live your whole life tap dancing around his problems?

annie.d12345
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 106
   Posted 9/30/2010 7:11 PM (GMT -6)   
I'm trying so hard to make him happy but he just avoids me I guess !
“Faith isn't faith until it's all you're holding on to”

Annie

annie.d12345
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 106
   Posted 9/30/2010 7:31 PM (GMT -6)   
@stkitt-
Hi there ! It's just not about break up it's about the fact that I love him seeing him suffer pains me ! I wanna be there for him but the problem is he feels I'm incapable of doing so. Maybe I'm but what does a capable person do? I helped him financially as much as I could I don't even earn,I don't call and nag him nothing !

Like example its early morning right now- I called him to wake him up, I'm not well myself but still made sure I wake him up and speak with him so his day starts better. He in turn ended the conversation by shouting and saying I'm getting up and all the worries are back. I said don't worry it'll be fine. He just growled and said he is going. Bye. I said don't worry it'll be fine and have a nice day. He asked me to shove the don't worry and nice day !and hung up on me.

This is just how things are. I make him unhappy unintentionally ! I don't know how I could said or done anything in this conversation to make it better for him.
“Faith isn't faith until it's all you're holding on to”

Annie

Post Edited (annie.d12345) : 9/30/2010 7:51:28 PM (GMT-6)


Trying to Understand
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 776
   Posted 9/30/2010 8:45 PM (GMT -6)   
Annie, dear, you aren't making him unhappy. He IS unhappy to begin with and is taking it out on you. Its not right. He resents your happy attitude. Nothing makes him feel better. Its him, not you. If you asked him what would make him happy he wouldn't be able to say.

His job, well there are plenty of people who lost their job, their insurance, their home, and can't get a job. Its a recession. Your guy should be grateful for a paycheck.

His family, boo hoo. He's old enough to cut the umbilical cord. You can't let your family dictate how you feel about your own life. He can disengage himself from the drama.

Bottom line. He is stressed, needs to exercise or have an outlet. He has issues, maybe depression, needs to talk to a counselor. You can't do it for him Annie. He has to help himself.

You are suffering for him. Stop it. He's a big boy.
What about you? Do you have some friends, get out for walks, exercise, listen to music, enjoy your day? You really have to care for yourself.

You are trying hard. Give it a rest, he doesn't appreciate it, he hates it.

Sandy

annie.d12345
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 106
   Posted 10/1/2010 3:52 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi sandy
Firstly thanks alot for supporting it's just getting so hard ! Secondly I do at Times feel he needs help but as of now I'm doing all I can to be with him in every Way he needs me. It's just I love him and it's hurting me to see him slog the way he does. You are right though he should be grateful he has a job but he's crossing his limitations to keep it. It makes me feel crappy that I can't help him advice him. Its taken a lot to make him open unto to me and now when he has I'm speechless and at loss of words to comfort him. I'm not used to this.
He says I don't understand him ! I don't know how I have to . He's financially broke and I have helped him and whenever he needs any help I leave everything and go and get the money transferred. He then says its not about money. Caz I told him not to worry about money that I'm sending him from my savings and that his peace of mind is more important to me than having the money I have to spend on my clothes etc. To this he just says I would never understand him..... :( I'm feeling restless.
“Faith isn't faith until it's all you're holding on to”

Annie

Trying to Understand
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 776
   Posted 10/1/2010 5:59 AM (GMT -6)   
Annie, please don't be sending money to him. For one it usually makes a man feel "less" of a man to take money from a woman. And nothing comforts him. It isn't that you are not good at comforting him.
How do you know he loves you?
I can't understand how he is working and still doesn't have enough money.
Why is he broke?
Please explain it.

awty
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 790
   Posted 10/1/2010 8:21 AM (GMT -6)   
I am late to this thread, but wanted to add a few things.

Annie, I have a philosiphy, and it goes like this. Sometimes people are in our life for a long time, or a short time, but they are there to teach us, or us them. Doesn't matter if what we have to learn is a positive experience, or negitive, as long as we take the lessons we need from it.

That being said, one has to step back and look abjectivly at the situation in order to gain the insight.

At the moment, if I have read this right, (tonight I am struggling to hold onto and read long posts), but he almost has you like a puppet on a string, and I don't understand why? You have broken up, but you still are his alarm clock, and are trying to support him still emotionally and financlly? But all he is doing is hurting you in return. And by continuing the way you are, (still allowing him to be a part of your day), he will continue to hurt you I think.

I really think you deserve to NOT be hurt, NOT be chastised, NOT be verbally abused, NOT be belittled!

I really hope you can see this clearly soon Annie, though my words maybe hurtful, my intent was not to hurt you, but to empower you.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 10/1/2010 9:25 AM (GMT -6)   
Dear Annie,
 
I have been in your place more then once and it  took  me many years to realize even if I love someone I sometimes had to let them go.  I was crushed and I did some of the same things you did only to be put down and told off.  In the end I just felt humilated and my self esteem fell a long ways.......I questioned what was wrong with me that this person loved me one day and not the next.  I looked for the flaws in me instead of him.  In reality he was the person that was not truthful or caring and he walked away so was it truly love for him ?  And yes I gave him money to help him out so we could be together  - I was so sure at the time it was the right thing to do.
 
There are so many times in life when you have to let go of someone you love, but that doesn't mean letting go of love.
 
Relationships are complicated some times and may cause you pain, but don't give up. I've been told more than once "You don't know what it's like to be hurt so deep." I have been cheated on, walked on, rejected by some, and assaulted by others. I know what it's like be "hurt so deep". If I had let go of love I would never have found the one I married for time and all eternity.
 
I do know where your coming from and I am here to support you.  You are a kind and caring young woman who is going through a tough time.  Please take care of you and keep on talking with us.
 
I wish you peace and happiness.
 
Kitt

~~Kitt~~
Moderator: Anxiety/Panic, Osteoarthritis, GERD/Heartburn and Heart/Cardiovascular Disease.
www.healingwell.com

"If you can't change the world, change your world"

annie.d12345
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 106
   Posted 10/1/2010 1:26 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi...

@Sandy- I understand the complexities of him asking me for money as he is completely the I'm the man kind of guy hence I knew when he asked me for money that he was in dire need. He's never taken a single penny from me before this not even when we were friends or even when I bought things for myself he do pay. He takes cares of his family etc. and this month he lost some money and has also lended people money. I trust him with my money all that Im trying is to make him peaceful and money isn't a way but it's a problem I could solve among all others.

@awty-
I'm just trying to take care of him firstly caz I love him it hurts me to see him in pain I can't even be there to see him. Secondly when I was in my depression he do helped me alot stayed up all night next to me taken offs from his job to be with me( I was in his city for a month and went into a depression on losing my gran father and also back than my bf was just my friend and I was left by my bf of 2 years....for another girl) it's just he's done so much for me..... Im not paying him back but I'm trying to take care of him the way he took care of me.
“Faith isn't faith until it's all you're holding on to”

Annie

Post Edited (annie.d12345) : 10/1/2010 1:31:41 PM (GMT-6)


annie.d12345
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 106
   Posted 10/1/2010 1:34 PM (GMT -6)   
@kitt-
I've let go off so much but for once I want to be responsible. All along some man took care of me and pampered me today I'm doing so. He's doing exactly what I did.... I used to snap at the guys I dated, fight and throw tantrums and cry about my problems never asking what they were doing. But today I love a man who needs me the way I need the men I dated.
“Faith isn't faith until it's all you're holding on to”

Annie

Trying to Understand
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 776
   Posted 10/1/2010 1:45 PM (GMT -6)   
Annie, get ahold of yourself dear and reread what you just wrote. You're off the deep end on this thing. Didn't it dawn on you when you read what the others wrote about their experiences? The last ones were so clearcut and applied to YOU.

Please reread them, print them out for easy reference.

You are being a martyr on the altar of false "love".
Google what is a codependent.
PLEASE, learn from our experience.
Do you think that your destiny is continual rejection?
Wake up Sweetie. The more time you spend lamenting over this DUD of a man, you are missing out on making yourself stronger, and find the man of your dreams.
Some of us have married someone, thinking, well he''l change with my tender loving care. It NEVER does. Do you crave heartache?
Counselling would be a benefit.

annie.d12345
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 106
   Posted 10/1/2010 3:04 PM (GMT -6)   
I think you are right I'm just not in the right frame of mind. Losing my ex boyfriend to another girl and all along people kept saying I'm selfish. It's been hurting me so much.

Ref.- I was in a relationship for two years before I started dating my best friend. In the two years of the relationship I had to let go off alot of things including the person I was. I paid a heavy price when the day I went to meet my boyfriend after six months of planning he told me he was seeing this other girl. Said I had changed for him but now he do found a girl who didn't need to change and was just like what he wanted. Maybe he had a point but it broke me and I was under counselling as I had a breakdown. Today I feel lonely I lost all my friends in two years even the guy in question he was my best friend I left talking to him for my ex but when my ex left me and I was all alone in a new city my best friend just took me set from it.

I have been told earlier here that I have to get to counselling but my parents don't let me even my psychiatrist wanted me to continue because at some days it just gets so hard for me. But my parents won't listen to me or anyone.

I wish I wasn't so alone and people saw that I care. Everyone says I'm selfish.
“Faith isn't faith until it's all you're holding on to”

Annie

Trying to Understand
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 776
   Posted 10/1/2010 3:29 PM (GMT -6)   
Well, you do have insight. How old are you? If your parents knew you were sending away money they'd hit the roof. (Don't tell them) Where do you get your money, are you working?
Can you get to the psychiatrist on your own? And get some meds? I mean, do you have a health ins card and a way to pay your co-payment without the folks being aware?
Sometimes the pdoc will have a sliding scale payment arrangement. Ask the receptionist or leave the doc a msg on his answering machine.
I am so glad you know from your previous trip to the pdoc that you know you need help getting this THING out of your life, low self-esteem, self-defeating behavior, codependency.
You are already wasting your money behind your parents back. It isn't such a stretch to use the same money to help yourself.
YOU ARE IMPORTANT. Look to the future.
I found this site, but have just started reading it. It has a chapter on Marriage, Love, etc. Don't know if it would help you, but its free and downloadable from a renowned psychologist.
http://www.psychologicalselfhelp.org Chapter 10.

annie.d12345
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 106
   Posted 10/2/2010 2:57 AM (GMT -6)   
Well my parents give me money whenever I'm depressed say I should go out and spend and buy stuff. Even after buying so much I have no use of it. I don't go out and I have bags full of clothes I have never worn. So I save the money that's left and that's what I sent him. My mom knows about it.
I'm 21. I can't take it on my own,I have tried to ask a few counselors but they need my parents to fill in a form or I have to have someone come with me. I don't know what to do.
He's been behaving well so I thought I would be ok but I'm not.....Maybe the problem lies in me.
“Faith isn't faith until it's all you're holding on to”

Annie

Trying to Understand
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 776
   Posted 10/2/2010 3:51 AM (GMT -6)   
YOU ARE IMPORTANT. Look to the future.
I found this site, but have just started reading it. It has a chapter on Marriage, Love, etc. Don't know if it would help you, but its free and downloadable from a renowned psychologist.
http://www.psychologicalselfhelp.org Chapter 10.

This is from yesterday. Did you read it? I think it might help.
Didn't see your post on this topic, so I asked you the same questions again. At 21, I don't think you need your parents to fill out any form. Tell the office NO. Perhaps you could fill it out yourself. Take a look. You have to want to change this. Get help. You seem to be prolonging your pain. I really don't think that you know what mature love is. You seem needy. It isn't healthy to sit at home all alone. Why aren't you working? Why aren't you taking any kind of class. It doesn't have to be academic. If you get a part-time job, you will be forced to go out. You will be forced to talk to others on light topics. To go out for your lunch. Thinking about something other than your BFs. Growing up and moving towards independence. You could tell your mom, no, I don't want to spend money shopping. I want to see our doctor, and get some counselling. I can't stand living this way in my mind.

That is unless you want to stay where you are, wallowing in confusion.

Read what I have recommended. Think about what I have said. Don't pick up that phone and call your BF tomorrow. You insist that you have to help him because he needs help. NO, you need to help you.
Get in touch with yourself and say "Hello, Annie. Today is a new start for you. You are going to face life without a BF for now. You will get yourself together before you do another thing. You are an important young lady, you matter. You will take care of your problems and manage yourself today". Tell yourself you love YOU.
Don't think about the old BF. That's over. Get on with your life.

I have to go now tonight. Its so late. Maybe you would care to post again tomorrow. Say something different.
You know i care for you and am concerned.
Sandy
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