NiceCupofTea Posted Yesterday 7:52 PM (GMT -6) (Copied this part from Crohn's Forum)
What happened yesterday was that I had a falling out with my dad. To put it in its full context I would have to write a novel the length of War and Peace - that's how dysfunctional our family is <_<. Suffice to say, I shall just say that my relationship with my dad is not an easy one, but then nobody has had an easy relationship with my dad. He is a difficult and strange man in so many ways. The last year or so has been particularly strained. Rows were nasty and occasionally violent. My dad was always angry, snapping at my mum for the smallest thing, and going nuts if anybody disagreed with his (extreme) political opinions.
It wore me down. I became sensitised, unable to relax, terrified whenever my mum said something that I thought my provoke my dad. I also got ridiculously irritated by virtually everything he said and did. Such chronic stress didn't do anything for my mental or physical health, I believe. Things got even worse for a while in spring this year when my dad had a stroke. He was relatively lucky in that only his speech was affected, but he could still talk, albeit in a slurred way. I know that's far from ideal, but most stroke victims that I know of have come out faring worse. Anyway, when my mum and I went to see him in hospital he was all beatific, saying his anger had gone. We actually believed him - he sounded actually happy for a change! And we were genuinely thrilled for him. But his new-found joy in life lasted for all of 2 days. (I decided later on that my dad had simply been on a survivor's high.) For a miserable few months afterwards, he was more angry than ever. My brother came to stay for 3 weeks: my dad spent most of the time secluded away in his study then towards the end of his stay, my brother got drunk and decided to confront my dad. It ended about as well as you would expect.
By that time I just pretty much hated my dad. I had forgiven him once, at the hospital. Now I pretty much mentally washed my hands off him, in rage and disappointment. That was in August.
Ever since my brother's stay, I have to say, my dad's anger has been considerably better. I have to admit it. For my mum's sake I sincerely hope that lasts. He still snaps at her more than I would like, but it's not as bad. Tbh, if he went back to talking to her the way he did previously, I would feel like knocking his block off. (Note: I have never hit him and don't suppose I ever will.) At any rate, I've still been very cool around my dad. My mum is her normal and friendly self, but me I've not been able to forget the recent past as easily. I've found myself trying to stay out of his way, to avoid talking to him more than absolutely necessary, etc. without making it blatantly obvious. Obviously I didn't succeed on that front, which is where yesterday comes in. I was making myself lunch, happy in my solitude, when my dad walks into the kitchen. Instant irritation (not said in words.) I must admit, I was the perfect specimen of misery. In the best circumstances, I am no good at hiding my true feelings in front of people. This was not the best of circumstances. My dad said morning (even this irritated me, as it was afternoon!); I grunted something back. My dad begins to question me about the heater; I could've told him what he wanted to know but every cell of my being was itching for him to get out of my space, stop asking me stupid questions, and leave me in peace to finish making my lunch. After muttering something garbled which faintly resembled English, silence descended for a minute or two, then my dad told me, angrily but calmly (progress right there!), that as I obviously didn't want to speak to him, he wanted nothing more to do with me, that I wasn't to go for him for help with anything. I didn't say anything, but went upstairs to my room to eat my lunch.
To finish off a lengthy story, my dad asked me simply today 'shall we begin again'? I said yes, and that was that. I'll have a go at being less woefully miserable and irritable around my dad, but somehow I just can't see it being all happy families from now on... :/
On an entirely different note, I also got very upset last night and this morning when a forum that I had set up 5 years ago decided to take a paddle up **** creek. Normally I wouldn't have got so upset (logically, it was going to get fixed, but I was still worried that it wouldn't), but I think it was the proverbial final straw. I'm not much involved with the forum anymore, but I still feel a loyalty and duty to the regulars and would have been gutted beyond words had it gone for good.
So, that was my day... >_> Well that, and completing a jigsaw puzzle. I actually felt a little bit proud of that accomplishment because I started this puzzle yonks ago, then left it. It took me hours to finish, but it helped to restore my low spirits. On top of that, I also hoovered the entire downstairs for my mum, unasked. Go me :p
Before I click 'submit' collapse, I just would like to say I feel much better than I have done for ages. I know it probably won't last, that the horrible life-sucking depression will probably be back sooner rather than later. But for now just feeling 'normal' feels like a priceless treasure. God, even the Crohn's doesn't seem as bad.
PS: See? Told you it would be long :p