I know what you are going through, though I only know of the ****ography that my husband was addicted to. My husband is also an alcoholic. I am so sorry that you are suffering so much because of your husband, who should be your best friend.
I am a Christian, and the only thing that kept me going was my faith in God - that He is all powerful and that He could change my husband. If God allowed my husband to continue on as he was, then there was no way that I could ever change him. So I prayed my heart out, asking God to change me and increase my faith in Him.
It took 21 years of prayer and suffering - until I finally realized that I had such a tremendous amount of anger and resentment in my heart towards my husband. I realized that I had been holding in my bitterness, and it had turned into hatred. (This was just this past April.) I could not love my husband no matter how hard I tried.
So I sat him down one afternoon, and told him that "the best I feel for you is apathy." I decided that I would stay with him (even though our 2 kids, 19 and 17, don't live with us) and I would be his cook, secretary, maid, ect. But that I was not interested in pretending anymore that we are married.
I took my anger and bitterness to God, and asked Him to heal me - and for the past 5 months, He has been doing just that! And the amazing thing is that my husband has had a complete change of character since that day. At first he was very angry and hurt, but then he realized that I had every right to be angry and bitter. He had been such a horrible husband. We are now learning to be friends, and possibly soon, our separation may end.
I say all of this to encourage you with hope and challenge you to be honest, even if it hurts your husband. Wearing a mask and pretending - acting strong and patient when you are really destroyed inside - will hurt you in the long run. Be honest with yourself and your husband, and see what happens. I wish that I had not waited so long to get honest.
Also a big support for me was that I joined a Celebrate Recovery Group that meets once a week. ( http://www.celebraterecovery.com/?page_id=7
) It is a 12 step group to support people through addictions, depressions, and any issue you can think of. I attended because of my depression and anger issues.
Hang in there! You are doing a very courageous thing by reaching out for support! I am praying for you.
Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.