Ever felt like you want to scream out loud the bad stuff being stuck inside of you?

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treexie
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2010
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 10/7/2010 9:52 PM (GMT -6)   
I've never had any problems making friends and keeping them and I've got a very closely knit family.  Really can't complain about having no-one to listen to me or support me.  Even my two kitties are providing me all the love I need.  But I keep feeling like I want to scream my desperation in my friends' and family's face but without them really hearing it.  It seems like it would bring me some relief.  This is why I started looking for forums like this one.
 
I've been seeing a great therapist for the past year and few months - she's the first one that I feel really helps me working on my issues. I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder at the beginning of university 8 years ago and strong depression 2 years ago.  I'm on Zoloft and Pristiq and I really can feel that the meds are helping me getting through.  Basically, I've been able to function again at work and at school (I'm doing a Masters) and slowly over the past few months I've been able to almost reach a full time schedule without getting overly tired.  I've started ballet (which I wanted to do for so long) and being sociable with my friends again - getting out of my shell.  But therapy is SO hard, even though I've reach a few turning points since this summer... and I'm so tired of feeling like I'll never be able to be normal...  I'm starting believing that I will be able to finish writing my thesis and get a real job, maybe even buy a house with my bf of 4 years, but at the same time I can feel that great dark overpowering shadow of not seeing the end of the tunnel of the chaotic few years.
 
I think one of the hardest thing is to overcome the guilt of "feeling sorry for myself" (aka my depression/anxiety) because I've always succeeded everything I started and I've got all the love I need.  I'm really tired of being my worst enemy and I'm really working hard to change my negative script to a more realistic one.  But all I feel like I want to do is to scream, roll in a ball, cry and give up... and I hate that giving up had never been a part of my nature coz it would be SO easy.
 
I wished that when I grew up I would have had the psych help I needed coz I realize now that not only my anxiety but my depression has been growin in me since I'm 10.
 
Anyways, I guess I just really wanted to share my black moment with people - I chose to not really bother people around me about it anymore coz I don't want to be always winning and negative around the people I love.  But somehow, even if I'm finding back my functionnality in my life that darkness is never really far away and I hate having it there.
 
Well thanks to anyone that took the time to read my ranting... not sure if this is according to this forum's purpose, but it helped me temporarily.  Now I'm going to go take care of my kitty coz she's been begging my attention for over an hour but I wasn't feeling like I could really be there for her.
 
 

Trying to Understand
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 776
   Posted 10/7/2010 11:30 PM (GMT -6)   
You've taken a huge step in working hard with your therapist. Glad you found someone you hit it off with and is helping you. Its hard work. Sounds like you have accomplished a lot, are in touch with your feelings, and introspective.

I felt like I wanted to scream to my loved ones too that I'm having such a hard time, and difficult struggle, its wearing me thin. Sometimes screamed into my pillow for relief.

You are making progress, doing well on your thesis, taking Ballet. Sociallizing. All very important activities to keep yourself on top of it all. I commend you. You are making quite an effort to help yourself and master your emotions. Depression and anxiety have a way of coming back. Some people have learned to idenfity triggers, things that happen that set them off. Sometimes re-awakens the old stuff. Maybe you could write down a list for yourself of things to remember to do when you feel yourself slipping, things that you could do to comfort and assist yourself. To keep your head above water. And always to reach out to someone like your therapist at the get-go.

You have come to right place here at the forum. Lots of people to vent to, ask questions of, find friendship and understanding. We're all "in the process" just like you. Different ages, backgrounds and experience.

We offer the best support and advice that we can. We aren't docs of therapists.
We really care.

Nighty night for now
Sandy
BP II
Severe depression

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42439
   Posted 10/8/2010 6:16 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi there and welcome to the depression forum.

What you are going through is normal for depression. So don't feel bad about that. Coming here and venting is good. It can help you in those moments that you want to scream at everybody. I know what you mean about not wanting to complain to those who care about you, I am the same way. But we all need a release. Use this forum for that. It will really help.

With this being said. I hope that you have a wonderful day today. Keep posting and know that we care.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20190
   Posted 10/10/2010 2:10 AM (GMT -6)   
I LASH OUT WITH MY MUSIC, AND PLAY THE GIUTAR WITH MY CANE AROUND THE PLACE. I PICTURE MYSELF BEING IN THE BAND LIVE ON STAGE, AND I PLAY IT LOUD!!! YEAH I'M MAD, BUT DEFINATELY ONLY BORDERLINE CRAZY!!! TAKE CARE.

LONG LIVE METAL!!! JAMIE.
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.
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