I've never had any problems making friends and keeping them and I've got a very closely knit family. Really can't complain about having no-one to listen to me or support me. Even my two kitties are providing me all the love I need. But I keep feeling like I want to scream my desperation in my friends' and family's face but without them really hearing it. It seems like it would bring me some relief. This is why I started looking for forums like this one.
I've been seeing a great therapist for the past year and few months - she's the first one that I feel really helps me working on my issues. I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder at the beginning of university 8 years ago and strong depression 2 years ago. I'm on Zoloft and Pristiq and I really can feel that the meds are helping me getting through. Basically, I've been able to function again at work and at school (I'm doing a Masters) and slowly over the past few months I've been able to almost reach a full time schedule without getting overly tired. I've started ballet (which I wanted to do for so long) and being sociable with my friends again - getting out of my shell. But therapy is SO hard, even though I've reach a few turning points since this summer... and I'm so tired of feeling like I'll never be able to be normal... I'm starting believing that I will be able to finish writing my thesis and get a real job, maybe even buy a house with my bf of 4 years, but at the same time I can feel that great dark overpowering shadow of not seeing the end of the tunnel of the chaotic few years.
I think one of the hardest thing is to overcome the guilt of "feeling sorry for myself" (aka my depression/anxiety) because I've always succeeded everything I started and I've got all the love I need. I'm really tired of being my worst enemy and I'm really working hard to change my negative script to a more realistic one. But all I feel like I want to do is to scream, roll in a ball, cry and give up... and I hate that giving up had never been a part of my nature coz it would be SO easy.
I wished that when I grew up I would have had the psych help I needed coz I realize now that not only my anxiety but my depression has been growin in me since I'm 10.
Anyways, I guess I just really wanted to share my black moment with people - I chose to not really bother people around me about it anymore coz I don't want to be always winning and negative around the people I love. But somehow, even if I'm finding back my functionnality in my life that darkness is never really far away and I hate having it there.
Well thanks to anyone that took the time to read my ranting... not sure if this is according to this forum's purpose, but it helped me temporarily. Now I'm going to go take care of my kitty coz she's been begging my attention for over an hour but I wasn't feeling like I could really be there for her.