The Spring in me

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annie.d12345
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 106
   Posted 10/9/2010 11:57 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi
Well today I'm in a better mind set than the posts I have made before. Time and again I have been advised to start taking counselling,and I myself believe it would do me a lot good to have an unbiased person to talk with,clear everything from the beginning,but some or the other reason stops me from going.
I have also been advised to get busy,do classes,go out etc. But honestly, I dunno why nothing interests me,I plan to do something the next day and the next day comes and goes and many other days pass,and I'm still at the same place. Why have I lost interest in everything? Even going out to shop or meeting friends or going to any party which would prior to my breakdown,make me excited,doesn't make me happy.
I hate the person I have become. I have no joy in anything,nothing makes me happy. It's like I constantly keep thinking what's the use of me? Why am I even here?
I know these are the signs of depression and I know I'm depressed,but the getting busy remedy isn't happening because I'm just not able to get up and DO. I just think I can't do.
I'm scared of what I have become,a zombie.

:(((((((
“Faith isn't faith until it's all you're holding on to”

Annie

Trying to Understand
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 776
   Posted 10/9/2010 12:44 PM (GMT -6)   
Good to know that you have been hearing the advice loud and clear. Sometimes, you just have to force yourself to go, and once you get there you get into the swing of things. Like dancing, you had a ball dancing last week. How about karaoke with a friend?
Exercise is so important, so if you can continue the swimming and gym that is as important as taking meds. Again, most people have to drag themselves out of the house. And they don't have depression. But the endorphins are alll the more helpful for us depressed ones.
What about reading? Takes your mind off things because it is difficult to have 2 different things being "thunk" simultaneously. Self-help is good because there's a purpose. Fiction is good because you are escaping your day to day.
You hate the person you have become but you are already taking steps to be comeone better.
Congratulations. Don't be so hard on yourself. We don't know why we're here, we have to make the best of it.

My son got an oriental looking tattoo on his chest. It means
true victory is victory over oneself.

Glad you started a new thread. That other one was a negative title, and you're on the upswing now.

Sandy
BP II
Severe depression

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 10/9/2010 12:54 PM (GMT -6)   
Annie
 
I understand so well what you are feeling.   I have lost so much motivation to get out and do things so I often put it down in writing that I am going to go out but when the time gets here the anxiety kicks in and it is so much easier to just stay home where it is comfortable. 
 
My therapist has been working with me on this issues and asks me if I could go do this or that and I say yes but she does not understand it is the anxiety that holds me back which kick in depression for feeling like I am a huge disappointment to myself and family.  Now I am on the merry-go-round of "stinkin thinkin". 
 
I did go out for a ride today on the motorcycle with my hubby and once I settled down I enjoyed it.  So it is one step at a time.  If I could buy energy in a jar I would purchase a gallon or two. 
 
We shall both continue to put one foot in front of the other. 
 
Many hugs,
Kitt
 
 
~~Kitt~~
Moderator: Anxiety/Panic, Osteoarthritis, GERD/Heartburn and Heart/Cardiovascular Disease.
www.healingwell.com

"If you can't change the world, change your world"

annie.d12345
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 106
   Posted 10/9/2010 2:03 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi sandy,
How are you doing?
I know what you are saying but it's just making me sick to be at home. Your point of reading reminds me I was a avid reader I would finish novels in one day. And now not even novels interest me. Why am I being this way?!?!?
Yeah I did go out last week but this weekend I was to go out with friends but I got so sad and low I have spend the whole day in bed crying and thinking of what I have lost. It's like I know it's wrong but still can't stop it.

Hey Kitt,
Well a bike ride ! Sounds like some adrenaline pumping thing to do made me wish to go on a ride. :) well it's just small things like going to the store few blocks away feels like a task. At times I'm home for weeks I don't even step out of the door. I know IRS wrong but..... :((((
“Faith isn't faith until it's all you're holding on to”

Annie

Trying to Understand
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 776
   Posted 10/9/2010 3:35 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Annie - I've been checking things out on Dummies.com for fun. My daughter got a book Anxiety for Dummies, something like that and says its good, so I was seeing what other stuff they had, and the website has lots of places to click endlessly. Has made hours go by. Also baked something from scratch. Had to do it in more manageable little bursts of forcing myself. Got all the stuff out, pans, bowls, mixer; ingredients. Stopped. Next, Measured the ingredients and left them in the bowl. Stopped. Next turned on the oven and mixed it all. Put it in the pan and set the timer. Went and laid down. Timer went off, so put the bowls etc in the dishwasher while I happened to be in the kitchen. Now its cooling and I'm glad because it smells pretty good. This "burst" of productivity has taken a couple days.
You're describing depression to a T, staying in for days and crying. I try to encourage you to get out, exercise, because it will help you, and you've mentioned things that you like, but I know only to well how difficult it can be. Hope you don't think I'm minimizing the effort required.
When trapped in the depressive rut, sometimes the only way out is counselling and meds. So when you get that happening, the load will lighten sooner or later.

Do you have a bike?

Have a book there to re-read?

I hadn't read in years, after having read a lot when I was young because it was my escape from reality. A nice break. Then someone told me what she was reading, became relentless about reading, and I went to the library and got a pile of books. Got into it. I didn't want to buy the books because I thought I might not get anywhere and then have to look at them piled there. With the library, you have weeks to keep the books, and if you don't read them, so what, when you return them at least you don't have to see them staring at you. Or, maybe a simple shopping trip, just going to the one store, a book store, and getting one book. You could get a best seller of the week or something from Oprah's list, she's an avid reader. Or maybe its her staff.
My friend also wanted me to learn to knit, not a bad idea, but didn't interest me. I drew the line there. She signed me up for a bunch of yarn and pattern catalogs. Like I even had the energy to look at them. Just made a pile of them and called the 800# to make them stop. The nerve of her.

Talk later
Sandy

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20134
   Posted 10/10/2010 2:06 AM (GMT -6)   
JUST WANTED TO SAY HI AND THAT I FULLY UNDERSTAND. SET JUST ONE GOAL FOR EACH DAY. I FIND WALKING VERY HELPFUL. I AM HOPING LIKE MAD THAT YOU FEEL BETTER REAL SOON. HANG IN THERE, IT DOES PASS. BELEIVE IN YOU. WITH LOVING COMPASSION, JAMIE.
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

annie.d12345
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 106
   Posted 10/10/2010 4:10 AM (GMT -6)   
Hey Sandy,
Well you did some stuff this weekend. But you didn't tell what is it that you baked? I could suggest you some Indian recipe if you plan to cook up sometime again. :)
I will try and get some books today evening,spend some time in the mall and buy books. That way I guess I would have an outing as well.
I dunno how to get out of my house,my mood changes at the last moment and I sit back.
I hope I can take help sooner.

Hey Jamie,
Hi..... hope you are doing fine.. the best thing about this forum is there are people who understand how you feel and you don't have to break your head to explain to them how it really is.

hugs,
Annie.
“Faith isn't faith until it's all you're holding on to”

Annie

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20134
   Posted 10/10/2010 6:45 PM (GMT -6)   
thx annie. return hugs. jamie.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

Trying to Understand
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 776
   Posted 10/10/2010 6:50 PM (GMT -6)   
HI ANNIE -
I MADE PUMPKIN PIE FILLING IN A 13 X 9 PAN WITH NO CRUST BECAUSE I LOVE THE PUMPKIN AND MADE LOTS OF SUBSTITUTIONS TO CUT THE SUGAR AND FAT CALORIES. ALSO PIE CRUST IS SUCH AN EFFORT. IF I GO TO THE STORE WILL GET READY-MADE CRUST FOR THE FAMILY.

I LEARNED A NEW WORD TODAY: NAMASTE

SANDY

annie.d12345
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 106
   Posted 10/11/2010 8:32 AM (GMT -6)   
Namaste Sandy ! :)
“Faith isn't faith until it's all you're holding on to”

Annie

annie.d12345
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 106
   Posted 10/12/2010 1:33 PM (GMT -6)   
I'm a media student,I lost an year caz of severe depression and nervous breakdown,and I'm currently on a break. My uni. starts in a couple of months. The past one year I have been home,majorly handling my depression,I haven't been able to do anything constructive,because I keep feeling in pit at times. I wanted to do an internship but it needed regularity which I was not sure of.
I have been seen my boyfriend past 10 months,and well we had our shares of ups and downs. Majorly due to my depression,I have always wanted him with me,needed him etc. Until recently when we broke up and I had a reality check about needing to grow up.
I realize his responsibilities as he has a hectic job and a family to take care of plus he lives alone,we live in different cities. I on other hand have been home.
He's really succesful in his field and is at a high position at a young age. I on the other hand am stuck doing nothing. Though he never points it out,but he always says ...when you are older and mature and have responsibilities etc...
this kind of hits me. I know I'm a loser and worse I realize I'm not even worth him in any way. But I love him and he loves me to.
We both are very similar I have prior to my depression left guys who had no aims in their life caz it was a put off for me,today I'm someone with no aims. And he could leave me any moment for being so worthless.
I don't know why I just plan to do this and that and I end up in bed with my crying and sleeping.
I hate the depression which hits in.
I don't know what to do...

I wrote this letter to a counsellor my psychiatrist suggested me ! It's something I wish to share hope Sandy and Kitt you can help me ! :((
“Faith isn't faith until it's all you're holding on to”

Annie

Trying to Understand
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 776
   Posted 10/12/2010 1:44 PM (GMT -6)   
And when I read this:
have always wanted him with me,needed him etc. Until recently when we broke up and I had a reality check about needing to grow up.
I was impressed at your new found insight.

But then:
he always says ...when you are older and mature and have responsibilities etc...
this kind of hits me. I know I'm a loser and worse I realize I'm not even worth him in any way.
Pa-leez dear, don't be so self-deprecating. You are not a loser, just on a temporary detour. These things happen to everyone in life.

Uh, what !
today I'm someone with no aims. And he could leave me any moment for being so worthless.
You are aiming to go back to college, graduate, and have a career.

You talk so nasty to yourself, my friend. Things are moving on. Glad you are preparing to go to the therapist and have an idea of what to talk about.

Sandy
BP II
Severe depression
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