Ladies (and some gentlemen),
You are more awesome than you let yourself think!
And depression/anxiety can allow you to hold yourself back from the wonderful opportunities that are out there for you!
My depression began in 1996 after having a melanoma removed in June followed by an immobilizing ankle sprain and then a cycle crash in July which resulted in a ruptured spleen and internal bleeding for 3 days before someone figured it out... all this for a 17 yr old was a little overwhelming.
My mom didn't know what to do with a daughter who was self-depreciating, withdrawn and angry but thankfully her friends that had been through it before stepped up and shared their knowledge.
However without meds there was nothing that could comfort ME!
So college was a bust, between my inability to concentrate, seeking valadation from the opposit sex, lack of attention, and lack of "normal" confidence, I never had a chance.
The next few years were filled with multiple seasonal jobs, many acquantices but no close friends, numerous boyfriends who told me what I thought I wanted to hear, thoughts of suicide, self-mutilation and many other things. Usually not all at once and generally in cycles. I've been on almost all the different medication out there. Some worked, some didn't, some needed to be combined with another prescription.
I got married, then pregnant right away... I was told it would be difficult if not impossible to concieve. Not wanting to hurt the baby I went off medication. I got angry again. Angry dreams where I hit people/things repeatedly. The worst was when I couldn't slam a door. My husband didn't understand and got protective of his kids(3 from the previous marriage). I don't blame him.
I started bottle-feeding so I could get back on meds when I realized how much of a monster I had become. How did I realize things were out of control? CPS called. My husband had taken a lie-detector test for a potential job and to make sure he passed it every skeleton came out of the closet. Really? I was that bad? I couldn't remember some of the things they were asking me about(typical when I'm not on medication), others I remembered too vividly and pray the children will outgrow the memories.
But how do you start that conversation with someone? "Hey, I beat the kids"? 'I'm sorry but things got out of control again'? 'The kids aren't safe around me right now'? Especially when they're step children and there's the posibility of them being given to their mother who I've been conditioned to hate?
Hindsight's 20/20 and the meeting with CPS was a blessing in disguise. Admitting how bad things were was my first step back up and out of the pit of despair. Doesn't mean there weren't trials... job loss, inadequate income when he got another job, cranky kids, unrealistic expectations from my husband and subsequentally completely impossible goals/rules for myself...
So last year I finally got hooked up with a mental health center. I am humbly grateful for the government program available to those in need, without their help I never would've been able to afford it on my own. And yes, there's a whole other post I could write on that!
We were finally looking at being able to support ourselves and loosing our government assistance so I asked to be switched to a generic med. It was really affordable but I was started at 25mg. Definitely not enough. then 50, 75 and 100mg. It's the generic Zoloft. I gained TONS of weight!
Then came the words 'even at your best I don't want you'. From my husband. As I'm home watching all four of the kids handling playdates, school assignments, church callings and so much more while he's working out of town. First, the denial. Then came my pitiful pleadings to not walk out on our daughter like his first wife had done to him. Next was anger... thankfully at this point I was coherent enough to ask someone to come get the kids. His family was ready, he'd been telling them for months he was planning to leave.
Alright, enough bitterness. He took his kids, there have been protection orders filed, me and our baby moved to a safer environment and I doubled my meds cause stuff was going to his the fan. ***Disclaimer*** I'm not a fan of self-dosing/medicating or removal from meds without doctor's approval***
a dose of 200mg is absolutely amazing. It was like my body woke up and started working again, I dropped a significant amount of weight, I could have a complete conversation again and not feel like I was rambling, I had confidence and while his decision got to be the final one I don't internalize it and hate myself. Now, having said this, I was running out of product and my refills were out so I had to go back to 100mg again...ick! Bloating, fatigue, low energy, wanting to sleep during the day and stay up at night...so many of the symptoms I had for the past year were back. I didn't realize it was a possible side effect of the meds until I read a post on here. I have an appt Wednesday to hopefully up my dose. But the real message here is...
Keep trying, YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!!
If you're at 100mg Zoloft there's probably a good reason for it... quitting it cold turkey to loose weight/get happy and other reasons might not be the best answers. Will it outweigh(no pun intended) the benefits of your emotions being regulated? Mothers, there are people out there who want to help! Try emotions anonoymous, a church group, heck, even a book from the library. Educate yourself. When you let other people make the decisions for you, you are giving up your free will to them!
This isn't a success story, yet, but it is mine.
P.S. I need to clarify that I do have an extremely HUGELY AWESOME support group in my family and Church friends.
P.S.S. If you need help then LET PEOPLE KNOW! My family had no idea how bad it was. His family did but no one stepped in to help. I guess everyone was trying to hard to be polite. I NEEDED HELP! The kids needed help! How could my husband just sit back and watch?