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SadHoney
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2010
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 10/12/2010 6:44 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Everyone,
 
I have never used a forum for anything before but this morning I came across this one and you all seem so kind and non-judgemental that I thought it would be good for me to join up...
I'm female and in my late twenties, British and live in the UK.
I realised this morning that to a lesser or greater degree I have been suffering from depression since my early teens.  My father died when I was sixteen and since this time I have not felt capable of leading my own life properly. I have had other traumatic experiences too, which I have coped with the best way I know how...I have friends who tell me I'm "amazing" for doing so but they have no idea...I don't feel amazing at all, I feel like a complete failure.  I have so many ideas, so many dreams of the life I want to live but as the years go by I am incapable of instigating any of it...it's like there is a block of concrete in front of me that I can't break through. I am one person when I'm by myself and someone else when I am with other people. I spend a huge amount of time by myself. I have only ever really held temporary office jobs and I HATE working in an office, it makes me feel completely anxious and manic but to do the things I want to do - writing, more study, helping other people - requires money and courage that I don't have. My current contract is due to finish soon and I don't know what to do...I know what I WANT to do but I don't feel I can trust myself if I make the leap...I have had periods of psychosis in the past that nobody else knows about. I have a counsellor who I cannot afford to see regularly but she is always a phonecall away if I need her...but even then I speak as this 'other person', not me.  My mother and brother both live abroad and have done since I was 21. In their own ways they are both very difficult people - my mother often needs me to sort out various messes she has made for herself. My Grandmother lives in this country and I am the only relative here for her. I love her but the pressure is intolerable at times, and she has mental health issues of her own. I don't have a secure place to live and I don't have anyone in my life who I feel is really present for me. All I want is to be me - it's like years of unhappy and traumatic experiences over which I had no control have robbed me from myself. I feel like a fraud. I cannot think clearly, I cannot organise myself, often I hear myself talking and cringe.  Then all these ambitions just seem utterly ludicrous.  I generally agree with the saying that it's strong people who get depression - looking at some of your posts here what comes through is strength, not weakness - and I am good at being strong for other people...but inside I feel about as significant as a twig...I have this internal bully who laughs at me for trying to make plans, trying to get organised. There is nobody to validate me. Most people in life seem so narrow minded and cruel, even if they don't mean to be. I was hoping that if I share my thoughts here I could find some validation. Sorry for the long post rolleyes

wolflover
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 222
   Posted 10/12/2010 7:13 AM (GMT -6)   
hi and welcome to healingwell.I know that feeling of someone laughing at you when you make mistakes. It's like "i told you so". It sucks. You need to work on your self confidence. There is no reason that you shouldn't do what you want to with your life. If you quit being so hard on yourself then you will not worry so much about messing up. hope you can build yourself up a little bit. We are here for you.

Trying to Understand
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 776
   Posted 10/12/2010 8:12 AM (GMT -6)   
Didn't have things as difficult to overcome as you, but did have a rough time growing up. Got married at 19, and moved to Germany with my new husband. Was so glad to be far, far away from my family, and in those days phone calls were not an option, long distance.
Did get long letters from my Dad, complaining about his miserable life in great deal, including my little bro and sis. I wish I had written to him that these things really hurt/effect me, and pls stop sharing them. Might have been a start to standing up for myself, and taking care of me.
Not too long afterward, while washing dishes, I could practically hear my mother blasting me in her sarcastic, judgmental way, it drove me crazy. Like a flashback. Went to the Army doc and he prescribed Tofranil, and it did wonders. I remember telling him that I felt better than I had my entire life (of 19 yrs ) coupled with speed walking to the bus every morning. Was humming "Feeling Groovy" adopted by McDonalds soon after.
The depression did come back later. When I was involved with a toxic person. Re-awakened those old feelings. Therapy is probably the route to go along with the antidepressant therapy while you are young, nip it in the bud, and learn some coping skills for the demands family makes. Learn to set boundaries. Really, do it now. If you're a reader, there are books about Boundaries. Will help you your whole life.
I agree that you have been robbed of your self-esteem and happiness. And its not fair.
Concerning GMA, maybe its time for toughlove, for her to suffer the consequences of her own behavior. Is she of an age that Medicare will pay for at home care? Might get you off the hook so you can heal and be on your way in your own life, without that anchor holding you at bay.
You can vent here, all you want. We understand, and might be able to offer some constructive advice.
Working in an office, or anywhere in close close proximity to others (bank teller), is hard. Its hard not to feel paranoid when others are in a little huddle, and you can hear their stifled "She !" whistled from a mile away, and know they are discussing somebody, and wonder if it is you. Often it is not, but the situation is uncomfortable. Women can be so petty. Found out that once they were discussing a man who would spit his gum into "our" trash instead of using a tissue. Next thing, one of our beloved elder ladies did the same thing, ha ha ha.

Sandy

Post Edited (Trying to Understand) : 10/12/2010 8:16:39 AM (GMT-6)


Taygeta
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2010
Total Posts : 164
   Posted 10/12/2010 8:12 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi SadHoney,
 
Wow!  I can hardly believe how your thoughts hit so close to home for me.  I'd almost think I had written them myself.  You are a bright woman - I hope you realize that.  I can see it in what you write and the way you write.  Your ability to express your feelings the way you do is a gift. 
 
Like you - I am hard on myself.  I strive for perfection and know all along I will never reach it, yet I continue to strive for it.  I spend countless hours of introspection, and I'm told I need to stop it, but I can't.  I've been told too I am "amazing," but inside I feel like a complete loser.  With all of the tools I have available to me, I can't dig myself out of a hole I've been stuck in for years.  I have moments of brilliance, but they are separated by long storms of despair.  For the last two years, just about every plan I have designed, every hope I have held onto - they have been ground into dust.  My action plans are mostly going through the motions right now with the hope I might get lucky.  I used to have faith in my skills and my mind, but with too many walls in front of me, it's like being in a maze with no solution.
 
Your self-confidence is in the sewer - as is mine.  Wolfover is right about working on self-confidence.  Right too about not being so hard on yourself.   
 
You made a good choice though - coming here - this group is full of people who really do care and really do understand.  As well, you've run across someone who thinks very much in the same way you do.  That may not seem like much, but I am finding the more I learn about others who feel the way I do, the more I am beginning to accept that something has to change for the better. 
 
Scythia
 
 
 

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 10/12/2010 8:18 AM (GMT -6)   
SadHoney,
 
A warm welcome to HealingWell. 

I have found the support, validation and encouragement that I receive here, to be so helpful and healing. I hope and trust that will be your experience as a member of the HW family.

I have had a dx of depression for 28 years so I do know where you are coming from and what you are going through.  You have a lot going on and I hope you know we care and are here to help you. 

Depression sometimes makes me feel like Iam never going to be the "old me again" so why keep on fighting it  ~ what's the use? nobody really cares ~ whatever I do, it's not going to be right !

Depression can make me stay at home, alone, sad, even crying because I want to go out but I just can't... nothing feels right, something will go wrong, and it's safer to stay put.

You can't fight depression all by yourself.  You must have support in some way - you must have other(s) that know of your depression and who are willing to be there to help you fight it.  Maybe that's a therapist of some kind; maybe that's a doctor who can prescribe something; maybe that's an alternative or holistic healer; maybe it's even just some great friends who've been there and done that and know what's needed at a given time. :) Let us be a support to you.

The is an online free site that may help you work through some of your issues.  It is called e-couch. 

e-couch is a self-help interactive program with modules for depression, generalised anxiety & worry, social anxiety, relationship breakdown, and loss & grief.

It provides evidence-based information and teaches strategies drawn from cognitive, behavioural and interpersonal therapies as well as relaxation and physical activity. Do take a look as all you have to do is sign up and your on your way.  It is one of those programs that you have to keep on working it at your own pace.  Here is the link ~ just click on it.

http://ecouch.anu.edu.au/welcome

Gentle Hugs and stick with us.

Kitt

 


~~Kitt~~
Moderator: Anxiety/Panic, Osteoarthritis, GERD/Heartburn and Heart/Cardiovascular Disease.
www.healingwell.com

"If you can't change the world, change your world"

SadHoney
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2010
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 10/13/2010 6:46 AM (GMT -6)   
Wow, thanks for responding :-)
 
@ wolflover - Yes, my confidence is pretty shot down at the moment. 
 
@ Trying to Understand - Sorry you've had such a hard time, thank you for sharing it with me.  My Grandmother is lovely except when she gets in a state about something (she and my mother are very antagonistic) and she is very prone to being jealous when my attention is elsewhere.  She really does love me though, and helps me in many ways.  The problem is more with other members of my family not doing their bit by visiting her, or even phoning.  She has had some very tough times in her life (was Blitzed during the war, had a handicapped child, lost her mother young) and it upsets me that nobody else but me seems capable of compassion. She has always been difficult, and other people probably have issues because of this, but if I can deal with it...you know? It just seems it suits them that I am here taking care of her, and that's very unfair and makes me have very unpleasant thoughts about some of them!
 
@ Scythia - Yes, snap, that's exactly how I feel about things...I overthink things to a ridiculous degree and because of this end up second guessing almost every good idea that I have...plus feeling mentally exhausted and tied up in knots...over analysing things rather than actually taking any action. Hence this horrible feeling that I can't trust myself, or even that I'm two people, always fighting each other.  So I exist between a rock and hard place with everything: wanting stability, but wanting to be free. This makes me stuck in the mud with everything, career, relationships, the lot sad
 
@stkitt - Thanks for the welcome and I will check out the e-couch link.  I have hardly any social life because I panic at the thought of going out.  I like going to restaurants because the food is a comfort (and not in a bad way, I am pretty healthy with food!) and I like having conversations knowing that there is a time limit and a structure due to the meal.  I barely drink and when I was young had some awful experiences with alcohol, but none of my friends seem to get this.  None of them are big drinkers but it seems such a socially acceptable thing, drinking, which drives me nuts, it's dangerous! I can't stand crowds, or rowdiness, or unwanted attention from men (which is one of the few things that will bring out violence in me) but people seem to think I'm mad when I prefer quieter social activities.  Sometimes even doing something I usually enjoy, though, can bring a sense of panic, and I can't always predict this until I'm in the moment. Sometimes it takes all of my energy and several hours loitering at home until I can face going to the supermarket five minutes away to get some milk. I just can't stand being around other people sometimes.  Another reason working in office is NOT for me!
 
I might post again later so I can get down some of the experiences that have created my depression...I think it would help me to do this.  If that's OK rolleyes
 
Hope everyone is OK today :-)
 
SadHoney

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 10/13/2010 8:57 AM (GMT -6)   
SadHoney,
 
You may post as often as you like as you are a member here and we are here to support you.
 
As for the social drinking,  I simply say no thank you to a drink as state alcohol does not mix well with my medications.  I do not have to explain what or why but that usually shuts them down when someone is insisting I have just "one"  glass of whatever.  Diet Coke is my beverage of choice at any affair. cool
 
Kindly,
Kitt
~~Kitt~~
Moderator: Anxiety/Panic, Osteoarthritis, GERD/Heartburn and Heart/Cardiovascular Disease.
www.healingwell.com

"If you can't change the world, change your world"
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