For what I am about
to share is all true, I need to vent....and I need help. I have been depressed for about
7 years now, I am only 18. I think a huge part of being depressed has to do with being raised in a low income family. A lot of my depression is because of my emotional problems I developed when I was younger. I'm a child of four, I was and still am the black sheep of the family. family - wasn't emotional, they didn't know how to express their emotions, like hug,kiss, say I love you. When I was growing up I always searched for being loved and wanted. I am a little overweight and my siblings and even my mother would call me fat and say I wouldn't have a prom date. I was the youngest, until my little brother was born. He was the only boy so he got spoiled. He never had to earn his things, they were handed to him. Anyways let me fast forward, my depression started when I was in 7th grade, I realized my family is poor and nonfunctional.
I realized my life was crap, I had no social life because my mother was too busy getting high and would ***** at me every time I asked for rides. So social life outside of school was cut off. Although my family life was ****ed up, I didn't let it keep me from my school work. I have always been an A+ to B- Student. I had dreams.....of being a vet....I adore animals. I would always tell my teachers that my mom was coming in for parent teacher night....but every year I came up with a new excuse of why she didn't show because my second grade teacher caught me because I had her twice in two years and gave the excuse for the year before that. Ok so I switched high schools and lost all of my friends to make my drug addict mother proud of me. haha silly right? Well at the time my mom would brag about
how my oldest sister was going into college and my second oldest sister was in an ag school.
and meh I was in a regular high school, not much to brag about
....even tho I told her I wanted to be a vet all the time! So I transferred to a tech school,and she bragged about
me...for like 3months..then it stopped. This past June I graduated and she still didn't know what shop I took. I was hard going to school with depression. I would randomly go in the bathroom and cry. Though I would sleep most of the day because Of my depression. My depression hit me the most when the economy crap the bed. That's when my family was falling apart.My mother was taking money for her drugs and my dad barely raked in any money. Oh also I never had a boyfriend irl, all of my bf's have been online. I always thought I was ugly and fat and didn't approve by them. hmm oh back in 04 When the economy was OK I spent like $700 online from my dad's CC because he didn't care about
me, and well I was jealous of my brother getting everything so I spent some money to make me feel happy. So my dad told me that was my sweet 16 present. Even though my oldest sisters get a laptop and a little min pin dog. Which is well over $1000, where's the rest of my gift? lol. I was going to kill myself on the day I turned 16.....but my sister took my to NYC....surprising...
It was my first time in the city, but I hated it because I hardly had money...Like a good daughter I am, I bought my mom and dad something from grand central....and when I got home I gave it to them...and went to my room and cried. I was crying on the train home too. I share a room with my second oldest sister. I hate it. My brother has his own room but he doesnt even sleep in it...lemme fast forward to this past year. Even in high school, I had no social life because my parents wouldn't let me drive until I was 18. and none of my friends drove. So sadly to say I would exchange a hand job or making out with someone for a ride. Mostly older guys....This past christmas I knew I wasn't getting anything from my parents....because we had no money.....and It was depressing when my friends in school would ask me what I was getting for christmas...even my closest friends didnt know about
my life....my depression...I knew I had to get presents some way....so I showed myself on cam for money.....and I saved up like 225 in paypal and just bought me crap for christmas....bought my ownself my christmas presents...
Well when I went back to school and my friends had new cell phones and all sorts of gifts I had some too...My father bought my two older sisters cars.....and I had to buy my own. I'm currently saving up money for college.....Oh ya let me get into that! Like I said I had dreams....I wanted to go to college.....both of my parents didn't go to college....I thought I was going to go.....but my mother filed her taxes late....and I didn't get financial aid...so now I have to save up....and my dad just paid for my second oldest sister's college...lol and I have to help with the "bills" because my parents are going through a divorce and my mom needs help paying the bills. I cry about
every night because of the situation I am in. I have gone to therapy nothing works.....One therapist couldn't help me and told me things will get better over time and to bite the bullet. lol that made me laugh! So now shopping is my medication to my depression...all though it helps the pain for a little while....it doesn't cure it..
There's more to it but I'm getting tired....although I never sleep at night because I just cry. I am very nice and I put others in front of me, my other friends ask me why I buy my friends birthday gifts if they don't do the same for me, and I reply with "I treat others how I want to be treated." even though I dont get treated that way. Well I'm going to bed...night....hopefully tomorrow I'll come on and read good up taking comments! :) niight
Post Edited (Cookielips) : 10/14/2010 1:06:46 AM (GMT-6)