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BlueMoon878
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 243
   Posted 10/14/2010 8:10 AM (GMT -6)   
I don't even know where to start, because I feel like I'm just complaining. I'm posting because, after reading the post "What are you proud of?", I realized how little I think of myself. I'm not proud of anything, and feel like nothing is going right. I was recently diagnosed with and hospitalized for what is suspected to be ulcerative colitis or crohn's disease. I chose not to go to grad school this september, and don't have a job, and feel like all I'm doing is waiting for my next doctor's appointment. It doesn't seem fair that I am already depressed and now am saddled with this new weird disease. I want so badly to be productive, but feel like I can't do anything. I don't have any skills, and I feel like any friends I had have all abandoned me. My parents know I'm depressed, but don't know how to deal with me. I've been to several therapists and DBT, and nothing helps. I've tried every drug and counting to ten, but feel more depressed and hopeless. Since I was dumped in May 2009 by a serious boyfriend, I feel worthless and unlovable. I tried to tell myself that in my future I will be happy and there will be a man that will love me and respect me and want to stay with me, but I know that it is just as possible if not more that there won't be and I will be alone and sad my entire life. All day, every day these days I sit, catatonic, and cry. I can't motivate myself to do anything, so have no right to complain, but I feel terrible. All I want is friends, a life, a job - is that so much to ask? I feel expendable, and worthless.

Taygeta
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2010
Total Posts : 164
   Posted 10/14/2010 10:37 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi BlueMoon,
 
I've got to run out for a short time, but I want to post something quick to you.  Don't despair!  Honestly!  What you feel - I have felt and do feel.  I would not want you to be sad the rest of your life - and none of the folks in this forum do either.  We are a group that has a common ailment, and we are a group determined to fight it.  Coming here is a major step for you - and that takes courage.  I think highly of you already just because you did that.  I'll post more when I get back.
 
Scythia

Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2317
   Posted 10/14/2010 12:04 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Blue,
I agree with Scythia. There will be some better days ahead. I can't say whether you will find a future husband, but clearly you ARE lovable since the last guy stayed with you for so long. Some people just take longer to find the right person. A lady at my church just got married for the first time in her 50's. It took a while, but she is the happiest bride I have ever seen in my life.
I am going back to grad school next semester after 7 years of struggle. I started school 8 years ago, but then between neurological issues & thyroid & related depression, I could barely manage to work (and for some months at a time I was not even able to manage a part-time job). But as the saying goes "nothing lasts forever" & I think that applies to just about everything (my faith says there are some things that are eternal, but those are few & far between). So try to keep battling the depression & UC for now. Those are enough for today. But know in the back of your mind that there are very successful people who have struggled or are continuing to struggle with both those illnesses. All hope is not lost, you're just on a long and miserable detour. Know that we are all pulling for you & hope you get to the rainbow at the end of this stormy season of your life very soon. :)

peace,
frances

Taygeta
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2010
Total Posts : 164
   Posted 10/14/2010 2:43 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi BlueMoon,
 
Back.  Luckily.  Some maniac driver decided to use the berm to get ahead of us on the freeway ramp.  Nearly clipped the front of our car - it had to have missed us by just inches  - would have sent us spinning into freeway traffic.  Besides almost causing a major wreck, he would have delayed me from coming back to post what I said I would post to you.  You might have lost your faith in Scythia.  You might have never come back to this particular forum.  What that driver could have caused . . .  nono  
 
But it didn't work out that way - and I'm here to continue.  You are lovable, BlueMoon.  And you do have at least two new friends now - Frances and me.      
 
I lost most of my friends, too.  But I've gained a wealth of friends here in just a very short time, and they are way better than the friends I lost.  They are very caring and very cooool people!  I used to worry constantly about losing my friends, but in just a week here, my worries now are only if I'll remember their names . . . 
 
You say you can't be proud of anything - you should be proud that you posted here.  Like I said in my first reply.  That takes a lot of courage!  You are stronger than you realize, with time you will see that is true.   Sure, it's possible that you might never find a man who really loves you, but it was also possible for me to have met a quick demise on the freeway today - but that didn't happen, and I know in my heart that you will find someone who loves you.  Believe in hope.  Believe in inner strength.  I know you don't feel like you have any, but I am sure you do.
 
Stay here.  Come back and vent and chat.  Tell others how you feel, and you will see that they have been through what hurts you now.  I'm a scientist by profession.  I deal in probabilities all the time.  I believe there is a high probability that just because you dropped in here, met Frances and me (God, Frances has such a positive attitude for having gone what she's been through, doesn't she  turn   - you will stay, you will find help, and you will turn your life around.  I'm counting on it.

stkitt
Elite Member


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 10/14/2010 2:52 PM (GMT -6)   
 
Ouch,  I remember when we learned my husband had Crohn's and when he was dx it was the first case in our small city so we did not have much for resources or support groups. He was 29, we had 4 children and I was a stay at home Mom back then.  It is normal to feel the way you are re this new medical dx but please know that you are cared about and do not feel you are worthless and hopeless.  I have been where you are way to often and I want to offer you support so know I am here for you and I believe in you. 
 
I'm  sorry that you feel so down! All I can say is to bring your chin up and take these circumstances one at a time - trying to tackle having friends, love, your dreams, and a new illness  is impossible to handle at once. It's like if you wanted to clean your house: you have to handle one corner, one room at at time and then eventually you clean the entire house...baby steps.
 
Kindly,
Kitt
~~Kitt~~
Moderator: Anxiety/Panic, Osteoarthritis, GERD/Heartburn and Heart/Cardiovascular Disease.
www.healingwell.com

"If you can't change the world, change your world"

BlueMoon878
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 243
   Posted 10/14/2010 3:15 PM (GMT -6)   
Scythia - thanks for the double post; you didn't have to do that. I'm sorry about your scary highway experience (sorry, I'm from the east coast, I can't bring myself to say 'freeway'...), I'm glad you're okay. I've posted here in the past, but never felt like I had confidantes. These feelings are horrible, and I would never wish them on anyone, so I hope you don't think it's awful that I say it is encouraging in a way to know I'm not alone. I don't think any of my friends intentionally left my life; I probably haven't been the best friend I could be, so it's just as much, if not more, my fault, than theirs.

Frances - you are so nice to say what you said. I've been thinking about it, and you make a good point. I can't be totally damaged if someone stayed with me for two years (long term in my book, I'm a recent college grad). Right? I don't know. He did break up with me because I wasn't good enough to have a long-term or long-distance relationship. Doesn't inspire confidence, but I should shut up because it's been so long.

Kitt - it's funny you should compare this to cleaning the house, as that was the task at hand today. Major anxiety there. I live with my parents who are out of town (on separate trips, on separate coasts), and promised that I would clean the house and can't bring myself to do it. I feel so selfish because my mom is 2,500 miles away because her mom just died and I can't even get it together to drag around the vacuum or dust a table? What is wrong with me?

Sorry, sorry. I don't mean to ramble and complain. I don't deserve air time here. I guess I just always thought that if one part of my life was bad (i.e. romance) another might be at least a little bit better (job?). I have no job, I live with my parents, I have no true friends, and I have an irrational crush that I am afraid is influencing a want to move to the other coast (yes, as I write this, I realize how stupid this sounds - it's a long story...) Speaking of everything falling apart at the same time (read: fusterclucks) it doesn't seem fair that I should be sick while my grandmother is dying or that I am both mentally and physically ill. I read something today that I wrote almost a year ago, and I haven't progressed at all in my feelings. In fact, I think I might actually feel like I took a few steps backwards. I know that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results (Einstein? Edison? I forget...), but as of late, I have no reason to try to change anything. The reality mimcs my beliefs (you're not paranoid if something's chasing you), so there is no reason in my mind to try. And that feels horrible. I don't want to sit around all day doing nothing and stewing and feeling anxious - I just do. I want to be indepedent, but my mental and physical illnesses have convinced my parents and myself that I can't. Or that I can't move as far away as I want, because I'll need supervision. Sorry, I'll shut up now.

T
"I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better."

Clonazepam .5mg 4x/day (anxiety), EMSAM patches 6mg/day (depression)

Taygeta
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2010
Total Posts : 164
   Posted 10/14/2010 4:12 PM (GMT -6)   
BlueMoon,
 
It was my pleasure to double-post for you.  :-)    I am depressed often, and I have a large suitcase of similar stuff to deal with - just like your suitcase, but I had a very good day yesterday and a pretty good day to follow.  When that happens, I get a bit punchy because when I'm depressed humor is the last thing I can put out (see what I mean, there it goes again). 
 
Seriously, I was hoping just to make you smile.  You shouldn't feel like you need to shut up, nor should you feel that you are complaining  One of my favorite lines is from the movie Alien.  The one woman astronaut is whining and complaining about having to go over to the "alien" spacecraft to investigate it.  The commander tells her to shut up, all you do is complain, and she snaps back with something like "Why?  I like complaining."  Touche' commander!
 
I don't think it's awful for you to say you are encouraged by knowing there are others that are going through the same pain as you.
 
You do "deserve air time here."  I don't have the skills and resourcefullness of members like Kitt and Frances when it comes to encouragement and sound advice, and there actually is quite a bit of fear behind my posts (I also have that wonderful friend of depression - Anxiety), which makes me second guess just about everything I do - but you know that because that happens to you too . . . 
 
Don't go away- please?  I would love to hear more from you, if only for me to respond I understand what you are going through because I've gone through that too, and if that would help you in even the slightest way, that would be a good thing - right?
 
You have a friend in Scythia. 
     
     
 
 
 
 

stkitt
Elite Member


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 10/14/2010 4:49 PM (GMT -6)   
Bluemoon,
 
There is good in everyone and you even posted you are a nice person  :)  I am going to ask you to answer these questions on you own and then go back to the thread "What are you proud of ?" take a chance and post a couple of things you have done in your 18 years that you were happy about and remember anything counts even if it is the same as someone elses.  turn
 
Questions for thought:
 

1) If you could do anything you want to tomorrow, what would it be?

The answer should not be something that is an escape from what you ordinarily would be doing, but in more positive terms of a true dream.

2) What are your core values?

Core values became yours in childhood and you would not be you if you did not respect those. Make a list and then pare it down to the 5 that speak to you most strongly.

3) What are your special talents?

4) What do you do better than most people you know?

5) What were your dreams as a child?

6) What is the thing you are most proud of accomplishing in your life so far?

7) What will you regret not doing in your life if you continue as you are now?

Remember you will YOU will always be a WORK IN PROGRESS. You have joined a great forum where all of us struggle with our depression and we keep on taking those babysteps moving forward inch by inch. 

As Scythia said, "Please Don't Go Away "

Gentle Hugs,

Kitt


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