Scythia - thanks for the double post; you didn't have to do that. I'm sorry about your scary highway experience (sorry, I'm from the east coast, I can't bring myself to say 'freeway'...), I'm glad you're okay. I've posted here in the past, but never felt like I had confidantes. These feelings are horrible, and I would never wish them on anyone, so I hope you don't think it's awful that I say it is encouraging in a way to know I'm not alone. I don't think any of my friends intentionally left my life; I probably haven't been the best friend I could be, so it's just as much, if not more, my fault, than theirs.
Frances - you are so nice to say what you said. I've been thinking about it, and you make a good point. I can't be totally damaged if someone stayed with me for two years (long term in my book, I'm a recent college grad). Right? I don't know. He did break up with me because I wasn't good enough to have a long-term or long-distance relationship. Doesn't inspire confidence, but I should shut up because it's been so long.
Kitt - it's funny you should compare this to cleaning the house, as that was the task at hand today. Major anxiety there. I live with my parents who are out of town (on separate trips, on separate coasts), and promised that I would clean the house and can't bring myself to do it. I feel so selfish because my mom is 2,500 miles away because her mom just died and I can't even get it together to drag around the vacuum or dust a table? What is wrong with me?
Sorry, sorry. I don't mean to ramble and complain. I don't deserve air time here. I guess I just always thought that if one part of my life was bad (i.e. romance) another might be at least a little bit better (job?). I have no job, I live with my parents, I have no true friends, and I have an irrational crush that I am afraid is influencing a want to move to the other coast (yes, as I write this, I realize how stupid this sounds - it's a long story...) Speaking of everything falling apart at the same time (read: fusterclucks) it doesn't seem fair that I should be sick while my grandmother is dying or that I am both mentally and physically ill. I read something today that I wrote almost a year ago, and I haven't progressed at all in my feelings. In fact, I think I might actually feel like I took a few steps backwards. I know that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results (Einstein? Edison? I forget...), but as of late, I have no reason to try to change anything. The reality mimcs my beliefs (you're not paranoid if something's chasing you), so there is no reason in my mind to try. And that feels horrible. I don't want to sit around all day doing nothing and stewing and feeling anxious - I just do. I want to be indepedent, but my mental and physical illnesses have convinced my parents and myself that I can't. Or that I can't move as far away as I want, because I'll need supervision. Sorry, I'll shut up now.
"I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better."
Clonazepam .5mg 4x/day (anxiety), EMSAM patches 6mg/day (depression)