I was(and still am) very unsure about posting on boards like this one. I have Lurked for a while. This is not the first time I have experienced deep or prolonged depression. It seems that I will go through times in my life when everything is perfect, usually based on a job, friendship, or relationship that is in my life but once that thing that holds me together is gone from my life I seem to sink back into a state of depression. (and trust me I always tend to loose those things that are most dear to me. I guess nothing good lasts forever) I feel like those things validate me and I am worthless when they are taken away. About a year ago I got the perfect job for me and my depression seemed to disappear. I was a public speaker for a nonprofit org that fought for worthy causes. With this job came a new sense of security, self esteem, a feeling that I was helping others, and the feeling that I would NEVER EVER be in this dark place again. I felt like i had finally won my battle with depression. I never even thought about it anymore when i used to dwell on it all the time. I was laid off about 6 months ago. I was fine for a while, trailing off that residual confidence I had somehow built up from that job's positive asmosphere. I thought "I can do this on my own, I will find something new and wonderful and build a resume, go back to school, make something of my self". Up until a few months ago when I just out of nowhere began feeling a deep sense of despair. This was very sudden. It just hit me, and i am pretty sure I know what triggered it. I have been dealing with it sense before Thanksgiving. I have seen the light, how life can be, and should be, with out carrying this pain. That almost makes it worse in a sense, because I know that I have accomplished happiness before, and that makes me feel guilty and insecure about not pulling my self up for a second time. Why cant I do it again?? Why did I fall in the first place. I feel weak. I think that i was always depressed. When I got this job it was the first time that I felt true freedom from depression. That is very significant in my life. I was once depressed with out help for over 2 years on a constant basis. I know what that pain is like and I am desperate not to go back there, but I feel my self sinking. The more I try to pull my self out the deeper I sink into hopelessness. I am unable to control my emotions, even when good things happen to me I feel they are not good enough(because they are not the same good things that happened to me when I was happy) and I often wake up in the morning feeling a sense of gloom and wishing I hadn't woken at all. I am so ashamed because I was once known as a peppy, perky, positive person. I feel guilty asking for help and ashamed to talk to anyone about these feelings. I would like to get some type of help, but do not trust drugs(I am also a Vegetarian/Vegan and only like to put organic things into my body) and am too embarrassed to go to a doctor. I also have no health insurence so treatment in not an option for me. I thought this might help.