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knownotknow
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2010
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 10/14/2010 3:50 PM (GMT -6)   
I've been married for 6 years and we've been together for almost 9. My wife is a good person and when things are good, she can be kind and loving. When life starts to hint at being tough, however, she falls into a pattern.

She will find the sickest person she can, and spend all her time with them, getting involved with them almost to the point of infidelity, but not quite there. I don't believe she's actually cheating on me, but is there such a thing as emotional cheating?

Anyway, the pattern goes that in the end, this person she finds is set up to be a "master manipulater" so that when she's ready to come back, she can place all the blame of everything that transpires on the manipulator and her naivety.

This is the fourth time this has happened in our marriage, and each time it happens I recognize more of this pattern.

She just graduated with a degree in Elementary Education and this time, the person she has found is a 17 year old girl who is bi-curious and I think may have a slight infatuation with my wife (who is 32, by the way). I don't believe my wife will do anything "adult" with her, but their behavior, in my mind, is questionable. For example, the will cuddle and snuggle in close on a couch; as a joke they have a code word "hooking up"; they tell other people they are married, and on and on.

She is in therapy right now, and meets with her therapist once a week. I don't think she talks about this issue with her, however, and I think she is in big-time denial that anything is out of the ordinary, or at least she is pretending to be in denial.

That is the background story. Here is my problem. I cannot stop the obsession about the whole thing and it is driving me crazy. I am not normally an obsessive person and am usually very patient and understanding (or try to be anyway).

I was caught off guard this time, and *feel* betrayed, hurt, unwanted and unloved (though I *know* none of those are true). The obsessive part of my mind will not relent and I don't know what to do about it. I love my wife and want to help her, but it's impossible with my mind revolving around the issue over and over.

What do I do?

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 10/14/2010 4:02 PM (GMT -6)   
I am sorry to hear what is going on with you and your wife.  I am glad to hear your wife is in therapy but it feels to me like you need to take care of you and have a therapist of your own.  Your wife is putting herself in a dangerous situation by getting so involved with a minor.  Something is very wrong with the whole picture.  If she is cuddling and hooking up with others she is cheating on you right in front of you and I feel like you are the one who is being manipulated.  I am not trying to be mean here but I fear for your mental health.
 
I also wonder if she is a safe person to be around elementary children ~ something to consider.
 
I can understand why you are obsessing but I think you need to move from obsessing to making a plan of action to figure out the best course of action for yourself and for you wife.
 
Have you sat down and talked with her re her behavior as from what you have written is appears to be unstable ? 
 
I want to welcome you to healingwell and encourage you to stick with us as the members are truly caring and wise.
 
Kindly,
 
Kitt
~~Kitt~~
Moderator: Anxiety/Panic, Osteoarthritis, GERD/Heartburn and Heart/Cardiovascular Disease.
www.healingwell.com

"If you can't change the world, change your world"

knownotknow
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2010
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 10/14/2010 4:23 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you for your reply. To clarify, I don't think they actually do "hook up", but it is just an off-color joke. I honestly don't believe my wife is in question about her own sexuality wither, but the behavior these two exhibit seems questionable. I could see it from girls around the same age, sitting close, playing with eachothers hair, doing "girly" stuff so to speak, but with a 17 year old and a 32 year old (who looks far younger than 32) it is just weird.

I agree, she is not safe at this point in her life, but she is an amazing person with kids and will make a wonderful teacher when she can get all this stuff worked out. I don't think she realizes that her current behavior could put her chances of that dream coming into fruition in jeopardy.

I also agree that I am being manipulated as well. I have been good to her (not perfect) and loved her. I don't deserve to be treated this way but I also understand that she is just sick right now.

I have been thinking about seeing a therapist, yes. I need to, but it's going to be a little bit of a process (we go through free clinics) and felt I needed relief as I have a physics exam in a couple hours, lol.

The only plan of action I have been able to consider is divorce. I don't want to. I do love her, and I know this only temporary and will pass. I just hate being here again. This time she is in therapy, and I'm doing my very best to stay out of it. In the past, I'd rant and rave until the truth of the situation was obvious to everyone around us and my wife admitted the sickness of what she was doing. My staying out of it might be a contributing factor to my obsession (i.e. I don't have a way to release, no one to talk to)?

It feels good to have a dialogue about this, though. I even feel a little relief. Thank you.

Trying to Understand
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 776
   Posted 10/14/2010 4:24 PM (GMT -6)   
My therapist told me that there is such a thing as emotional incest, when a parent uses a child to share their problems, vent about adult topics, etc., things that they should share with a spouse, or another adult. Unfair to the child who feels like their victim, not the child. The child doesn't know any different and can think that they are "the favorite."
So with that said, emotional cheating is likewise possible, I think. Your wife adopts basket cases, and goes overboard in codependent relationships. I too, think that being in a school/child environment, she may be a dangerous person.
And snuggling, etc on the couch? In front of you? The nerve of her. Is she TRYING to enrage you? Have never known a grown woman to behave that way and isn't that girl still a minor? If I were you I would definitely think she is cheating in more ways than one. Do you think she is hoping for a 3-some?
First step before divorce would be a trial separation. Maybe start thinking about how you can do that. I think you should distance yourself from this ongoing drama. Its not normal.

Please get counseling for yourself ASAP. You are NOT obssessed. You are being emotionally abused

Post Edited (Trying to Understand) : 10/14/2010 4:32:26 PM (GMT-6)


knownotknow
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2010
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 10/14/2010 4:44 PM (GMT -6)   
I just set up a counseling appointment at my school. It's not going to be for another two weeks though. Thanks for the push guys.

Trying to Understand
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 776
   Posted 10/14/2010 7:27 PM (GMT -6)   
Glad you got on it right away.
To push it even harder, see if they will call you if they get a cancellation.

Now, are there some things you could do to help the angst of seeing the "girls" together all the time, in your home. ? Its your home as much as hers.


How could you not have those feelings of hurt and betrayal watching this drama unfold in front of your face. Your mind's not obsessed, its constantly faced with seeing these things happen.

Thinking of you ....
Sandy
BP II
Severe depression

Respect baby steps. Most work gets done an inch at a time. Just break ground.

Some get annoyed that people are so odd; lucky folks know that's the fun part.
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