Posted 10/17/2010 12:14 AM (GMT -6)
I came here wondering what course of action I should take in regards to my boyfriend. We have been together for 1.5 years now and he lives with me and my daughter from a past relationship, she is 6 years old.
Let me paint a picture of my darling dearest for you. He is 34, athletic and intelligent. He works in a high stress environment with law enforcement. He adores me very much, compliments me constantly and appreciates all I do for him and our household. He has a nice vehicle, has a beautiful son who lives with his ex fiance' and a few good friends who I think are quality folk. His life is rather good, could be better if we didn't live in an apartment but otherwise, good.
He plays video games when he wakes up on weekends or days off, or just days that he works an evening shift. He plays video games when he gets home. He will eat his dinner while playing video games. He gets angry at the video games if he dies and has to watch a video scene over and over. He growls loudly, throws the controller, hits items, curses loudly and sometimes pounds his own head. Don't talk to him while he is like this, it will fuel the moment. He plays video games this often because, and I quote him, "my brain is filled with too many fast thoughts and I need something stimulating to focus on". He will waste the day up until the last few minutes and he will be caused to rush or miss out on the plans he made for the day and this will make him angry also. He won't be directly angry at me or my daughter unless we involve ourselves in his tantrum.
His athletic side is wonderful! He likes to run, hike, rock climb, participate in MMA (mixed martial arts) and for hobby, enjoys visiting the firing range and archery course. He also can ski, snowboard, skate and mountaineer. He is a member of the local Search and Rescue. He is his happiest when he is active. But he misses activity and secludes himself when he plays video games. Which is often as you read above. Which usually triggers his mood.
He has a problem with clutter. He has sporting equipment all over the living room and bedroom on his side of the bed. He puts that clutter on his "list" of things to do. He hasn't filed his taxes. He leaves his dishes all over the house. He has an odd assortment of demon action figures displayed in our living room. It's crazy!
He is a military style father figure. He told me recently that he doesn't enjoy being around her because she gets on his nerves. She should be more polite, not whine, not ever lie, not ever steal (she sneaked marshmallows one morning) and do as she is told immediately without arguing about it. One time this past summer we were coming upstairs and when we reached our floor she asked if she could ride the bike down the hall. I normally let her (and he has done that with his bike before too) but he said "No" and she got on her bike anyway. He hauled her off and she started to cry and argue that I let her do it, why can't she now? He just yelled at her and said that she has to listen to him. She was really crying with hurt feelings when we got in the door and she was gonna leave her bike by the door but he called her back to put it in her room (where it belongs, we live in an apartment, it's small) and she was so blinded with tears that it took her a while to bump her way in there. She came back out to take her shoes off and she was still crying. He was so flustered by her crying sounds that he snapped and yelled at her to "SHUT YOUR MOUTH". I had it then. I said "HEY! That's too far!" And he left for awhile. He was gone till after my daughter was in bed and he came back with Quizno's for me. He never apologized for it, he just justified himself with how she should listen and not fight him on it and that she should control her crying. ~excuse me?~ Control?? Look in the mirror honey.
So, he's childlike, active, sedentary, has a brain filled with fast paced thoughts, is self violent and violent towards inanimate objects, disorganized, and a procrastinator.
I find that I have to diffuse him. I have to gently remind him of what needs doing...often. I have to clean up...everything. I have to keep my daughter far from his tantrum to be sure she stays out of it.
He had tried a medication, Celexa, and it worked but it had side effects like night sweats, weight gain, lost libido, fatigue and increased appetite. He had his doctor wean him off and he had it under wraps for awhile and looked into natural remedies. We came up with St. John's Wort and I bought him some but he hasn't tried it yet. He feels that he is being weak if he depends on a substance of any kind to be normal. He feels broken he says.
He can act entirely normal around anyone. Anybody besides me. He says he is comfortable with me, he shouldn't have to himself from me. I take that as rather sweet that he wouldn't hide himself from me but now that my patience is wearing thin with this anger explosion stuff I rather he did hide THAT from me. He broke a cordless phone, the mirror on the back of the bedroom door by slamming it, he has ripped up numerous shirts of his and today his favorite bath towel. I found shards of broken plastic all over the bedroom today after he left for work too, right after another explosion which I am still bewildered about. It was right after he died in Mass Effect. (for XBOX) He was angry the whole time we were taking back the recycling, grocery shopping, having his shower (the towel happened then) and getting dressed for work (the mirror on the back of the door and plastic pieces all the floor) and when he put on his shoes I asked if he was mad at me and he said no. I said I made him a lunch for work and he said he didn't want it. He said thank you and kissed me goodbye 1.5 hours early for work. He really had to get out of the house I guess.
So. What do I do? Force the St. John's Wort? Make him attend counseling? Ask him to move out? Leave him?
%75 of the time he is fun and great to be around but when he goes into that mood my stomach knots up and I begin resenting his presence. Ugh. I was reading some angry husband forum earlier tonight and the women had been married for upwards of 35 years to a monster that ended up turning into abusive ******s! I don't want that. I need a professional to answer this. I need experienced people to share.
Please, thank you.