Love my boyfriend, hate his angry side

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MarDar69
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2010
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 10/17/2010 12:14 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi


I came here wondering what course of action I should take in regards to my boyfriend. We have been together for 1.5 years now and he lives with me and my daughter from a past relationship, she is 6 years old.

Let me paint a picture of my darling dearest for you. He is 34, athletic and intelligent. He works in a high stress environment with law enforcement. He adores me very much, compliments me constantly and appreciates all I do for him and our household. He has a nice vehicle, has a beautiful son who lives with his ex fiance' and a few good friends who I think are quality folk. His life is rather good, could be better if we didn't live in an apartment but otherwise, good.

He plays video games when he wakes up on weekends or days off, or just days that he works an evening shift. He plays video games when he gets home. He will eat his dinner while playing video games. He gets angry at the video games if he dies and has to watch a video scene over and over. He growls loudly, throws the controller, hits items, curses loudly and sometimes pounds his own head. Don't talk to him while he is like this, it will fuel the moment. He plays video games this often because, and I quote him, "my brain is filled with too many fast thoughts and I need something stimulating to focus on". He will waste the day up until the last few minutes and he will be caused to rush or miss out on the plans he made for the day and this will make him angry also. He won't be directly angry at me or my daughter unless we involve ourselves in his tantrum.

His athletic side is wonderful! He likes to run, hike, rock climb, participate in MMA (mixed martial arts) and for hobby, enjoys visiting the firing range and archery course. He also can ski, snowboard, skate and mountaineer. He is a member of the local Search and Rescue. He is his happiest when he is active. But he misses activity and secludes himself when he plays video games. Which is often as you read above. Which usually triggers his mood.

He has a problem with clutter. He has sporting equipment all over the living room and bedroom on his side of the bed. He puts that clutter on his "list" of things to do. He hasn't filed his taxes. He leaves his dishes all over the house. He has an odd assortment of demon action figures displayed in our living room. It's crazy!

He is a military style father figure. He told me recently that he doesn't enjoy being around her because she gets on his nerves. She should be more polite, not whine, not ever lie, not ever steal (she sneaked marshmallows one morning) and do as she is told immediately without arguing about it. One time this past summer we were coming upstairs and when we reached our floor she asked if she could ride the bike down the hall. I normally let her (and he has done that with his bike before too) but he said "No" and she got on her bike anyway. He hauled her off and she started to cry and argue that I let her do it, why can't she now? He just yelled at her and said that she has to listen to him. She was really crying with hurt feelings when we got in the door and she was gonna leave her bike by the door but he called her back to put it in her room (where it belongs, we live in an apartment, it's small) and she was so blinded with tears that it took her a while to bump her way in there. She came back out to take her shoes off and she was still crying. He was so flustered by her crying sounds that he snapped and yelled at her to "SHUT YOUR MOUTH". I had it then. I said "HEY! That's too far!" And he left for awhile. He was gone till after my daughter was in bed and he came back with Quizno's for me. He never apologized for it, he just justified himself with how she should listen and not fight him on it and that she should control her crying. ~excuse me?~ Control?? Look in the mirror honey.

So, he's childlike, active, sedentary, has a brain filled with fast paced thoughts, is self violent and violent towards inanimate objects, disorganized, and a procrastinator.

I find that I have to diffuse him. I have to gently remind him of what needs doing...often. I have to clean up...everything. I have to keep my daughter far from his tantrum to be sure she stays out of it.

He had tried a medication, Celexa, and it worked but it had side effects like night sweats, weight gain, lost libido, fatigue and increased appetite. He had his doctor wean him off and he had it under wraps for awhile and looked into natural remedies. We came up with St. John's Wort and I bought him some but he hasn't tried it yet. He feels that he is being weak if he depends on a substance of any kind to be normal. He feels broken he says.

He can act entirely normal around anyone. Anybody besides me. He says he is comfortable with me, he shouldn't have to himself from me. I take that as rather sweet that he wouldn't hide himself from me but now that my patience is wearing thin with this anger explosion stuff I rather he did hide THAT from me. He broke a cordless phone, the mirror on the back of the bedroom door by slamming it, he has ripped up numerous shirts of his and today his favorite bath towel. I found shards of broken plastic all over the bedroom today after he left for work too, right after another explosion which I am still bewildered about. It was right after he died in Mass Effect. (for XBOX) He was angry the whole time we were taking back the recycling, grocery shopping, having his shower (the towel happened then) and getting dressed for work (the mirror on the back of the door and plastic pieces all the floor) and when he put on his shoes I asked if he was mad at me and he said no. I said I made him a lunch for work and he said he didn't want it. He said thank you and kissed me goodbye 1.5 hours early for work. He really had to get out of the house I guess.

So. What do I do? Force the St. John's Wort? Make him attend counseling? Ask him to move out? Leave him?

%75 of the time he is fun and great to be around but when he goes into that mood my stomach knots up and I begin resenting his presence. Ugh. I was reading some angry husband forum earlier tonight and the women had been married for upwards of 35 years to a monster that ended up turning into abusive ******s! I don't want that. I need a professional to answer this. I need experienced people to share.

Please, thank you.

stkitt
Elite Member


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 10/17/2010 9:25 AM (GMT -6)   
Good Morning and Welcome to HealingWell,
 
I am sorry to read of your situation as I know how difficult this is for you but I suspect you know the answers and you are just looking for validation to your thoughts.
 
From reading your post I feel your boyfriend has an anger management problem as well as controlling issues.  Your said 75% of the time he is good ~ you need to decide how to deal with the 25 % that is not good.  Putting yourself and your daughter in a situation where you are being verbally abused is not safe. 
 
I am going to toss a few questions at you to help you think about what you have shared ~ "father figure" !  Do you want him to be the father figure to your daughter so when she grows up she will remember things like being hauled off her bike and yelled at to "SHUT YOUR MOUTH"?  From your post I can see that you are very aware that this man is perhaps a bad choice for you as you are worth love and respect and never should you be a whipping post for someone else's anger.
 
Your daughter, IMHO, needs to be your number one priority.  I left my first husband and took my 3 young children and got out of Dodge............verbal abuse and physical abuse are never right. No, I did not have much money and I got a job in a factory.  No, I did not have family to support me so I moved to a new town and started over. 
 
I would suggest that you talk with your boyfriend and let him know that you feel he needs help in dealing with his anger and controlling issues.  His job, most likely,  feeds his controlling issue as he works in law enforcement where he most likely has a license to be the top gun. However he needs to leave his job at work and not bring it home to keep you and your daughter in-line. 
 
In no way am I criticizing you but I have been where you are and made some not so wise choices so I am here to support you and let you know I understand what your going through.
 
Gentle Hugs to you,
 
Kitt
 
 
~~Kitt~~
Moderator: Anxiety/Panic, Osteoarthritis, GERD/Heartburn and Heart/Cardiovascular Disease.
www.healingwell.com

"If you can't change the world, change your world"

MMMNAVY
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 6927
   Posted 10/17/2010 10:31 AM (GMT -6)   
I absolutely agree with Kitt here. You might be putting your daughter and you in a dangerous situation here by being with this man. There are better men out there. I am former military myself and would not treat a child in such a manner, so that EXCUSE for his behavior is really piss poor.  Furthermore, since he is in the law enforcement arena he should know that that kind of behavior around a child is getting to the point of borderline/is illegal depending on the jurisdiction. 
Granted he may have some PTSD issues, but when it is putting you and your daughter in danger that is not ok.
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Post Edited (MMMNAVY) : 10/17/2010 9:47:26 AM (GMT-6)


PsychologyNarcissist
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2010
Total Posts : 16
   Posted 10/17/2010 3:30 PM (GMT -6)   
I completely agree with the two above posters. Anger management counseling seems like the best course of action in this situation. You said that he has a problem taking medicine for his anger but he might be willing to go to counseling for his problem. Really im just emphasizing what stkitt said.

MarDar69
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2010
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 10/17/2010 10:28 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you all so far :)


Medically his problem is that his brain needs aid from an SSIR because his brain cannot process serotonin properly so his emotions flare whether he tries to control it or not. Sometimes he can fake his way through beautifully but most times...not so much. This is why he was on Celexa and St. John's Wort is so far the only herb I've found that can act as a mild version of an SSIR but he hasn't tried that yet. A naturalist suggested Lithium?! Whoa.

He's most often a sweetheart but ya, that other %25 of the time is wearing me down. It's not a personal attack ever, he normally says that he is having trouble within himself and can't stand that no matter what he does he has an endless tirade of consequences chasing each other in his head like a snake eating it's own tail. He runs a course of self bashing in there. It's all things he could change if he put effort into it but he's too much the procrastinator to get it done.

~~Today's Big Issue

I bought a car from the local Buy & Sell, it's my first car. I'm 27 folks. My step dad helped me find and buy the car. I never once wanted my boyfriend along because 1-I wanted to do this on my own
2-I knew his input would be negative

I knew his input would be negative because all along since I told him I was in the process of finding and buying a car he has had nothing but negative things to say. Like, why not drive other people's cars instead to get practice? I don't want to help you get your license because you are rushing into this. I think you should have a standard and not an automatic because you should know how the car works, not just make it go. I don't think you understand the financial burden a car brings.
Then he gets frustrated when I don't invite him to come car hunting with me. Now he's really mad because he thinks I find his driving know-how valuable but not his advice on buying a car. Duh!! Look at how he has been trying to squash the car buying since the get go! I didn't hear even ONE supportive mention the whole time. All the cars I told him I looked at he scoffed at too. He called them ALL Fords which he views as low end crap. He drives a Toyota. He believes that and Volkswagen or Audi are the way to go. Whatever, it's my first car!! I bought it cheap! It's also nice and a Buick!

I told my sister on the phone today that I am coming to realize that I am going to have to talk to him about getting himself under control and help him to establish that and if that can't be managed then there is only one thing left to do. I refuse to live with somebody I can't live with! I am young, beautiful and intelligent. I deserve what makes me and my daughter happy. So I will first work for it and if that can't happen then I did what I could and that's that.

Please continue to advise if you know anything about SSIR and how to help someone with that issue. Also on how I might constructively help him as well.

Thanks :)

Hara
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 900
   Posted 10/18/2010 2:40 AM (GMT -6)   
MarDar69, I've read your story It kind of sounded like a couple of my EX-Bf's and EX-husband. I decided the last time I dated any man if they weren't nice to my child and me they were out the door. I've been in and out of good and bad relationships.  I have been divorced for 17 almost 18 years now and only have 1 special child.
 
So I decided that I had to do what was right for my son. I've tried to teach him not to make a woman mad. Every woman on here knows what I mean...lol I've been trying to teach him what he is suppose to know and what to do and not do around women.
 
Maybe sit him down and give him an altamatem (sp). See if he steps up to the challange. If he doesn't then kick  him out.                   JUST PROTECT YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILD FIRST AND FORMOST. 
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