Feeling Misunderstood / Like a Total Ingrate

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Regular Member

Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 243
   Posted 10/17/2010 4:07 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Everyone,

I'm writing because I don't know where else to vent my feelings. I have hit a new low in my motivation level. In September, I attended graduate school for a week before deciding it was not the degree or program I thought it was, and to not continue my stuides. Since then, I have been trying to piece together the semblance of a productive life. Following my withdrawal from school, I applied to scores of jobs in a city 2,500 miles away (where I have family and would much rather be living than where I live now, with my parents). I received a couple phone calls, but no solid leads or job offers. I then became ill with an unrelated stomach condition. My parents now argue that I have to stay here and figure out what's going on before I can even think about moving away. I don't want to put roots down here, so I am resistant to the idea that I have to be stuck here. My problem is that I'm not motivated to do anything. It's never been this bad before. I have all these great plans for moving to this far-away city, but I realized today I have no idea what I would actually do if I ever got there. I have been going over it in my head, and am subconsciously moving there for bad reasons. There's a boy that I know there, who I feel like sort of wanted to make sure I wasn't moving there because of him. I couldn't convince myself that I wasn't. On the other hand, I worked there before I knew him, and since 2006 have had this dream of moving out there and seeing if I could make it on my own. I had a long-term boyfriend until May 2009 (we were together in college for two years, which, for me, is long-term). I'm afraid I have too high expectations for this crush in the far-away city and that I believe that if I go out there we'll magically be together and I won't have to figure out all this icky real-life stuff by myself. Meanwhile, I'm stuck living with my parents and feeling totally unmotivated to do anything. I don't believe that anyone will ever just *give* me a job, I realize that I have to put forth effort to get one. The stupid thing is, I don't feel like trying anymore. I dread waking up in the morning, because it's so anxiety-provoking. I feel so incredibly guilty 24/7 because I don't contribute as much as I should to the household I live in, I don't go work out at the gym, I'm afraid / resistant to getting a job here... I don't know why I feel the way I feel! I don't feel like doing anything which would not change if I moved to far-away city. My parents asked me what I would say if an employer asked me what I'd been doing since graduating in May. I don't have a good answer. The only thing I want to say is "I was depressed and anxious and angry", but obviously know that I can't say that. If I'm depressed or anxious I have to find a way to deal with it and still compete with people that don't have to deal with these problems. I know it would be smart and would behoove me to go to a temp agency and find work or go to the local elementary school and see if I could volunteer, but I don't feel like I'm of any use to anyone. I don't have any skills, and I feel like total crap. I'm so anxious I can't get out of bed in the morning. I know this won't change if I move to far-away city, but at least then I'll be forced to do things. Here, I just feel like a total ingrate. My parents are supporting me while I eat them out of house and home, and I am so selfish I can't contribute because I'm anxious?! It makes no sense. I wouldn't believe me if I told myself my symptoms. I feel at once like my parents don't understand me and that they couldn't possibly, because my explanation of how I'm feeling is so irrational. I want a job, a life, friends in far-away city, but can't see that happening if I can't even get it together to get temp work at home, with my parents supporting my laziness. I don't feel lazy, but I feel like that's how people see me. I don't know... help?!

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Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 10/17/2010 5:19 PM (GMT -6)   
BlueMoon,  Hello and I believe you do have sx of depression as well as anxiety.  You are into the "what its".  Do you have a Family Doctor you can talk to about how you have no motivation to get out and do things?  Perhaps seeing a counselor would help you work through your feelings.  I tend to agree with your parents, if your not feeling good physically or mentally right now it may not be wise to move 2500 miles to a new city where you are truly on your own without a job,  a place to live etc. 
When you started graduate school what did you plan on doing when you completed school ?  Maybe you need to make a list of what you like to do,  and explore what field of work would be a good match for you.
The market is tight for high paying beginners right now so know you will have to work to impress an employer to hire you becuase you will stand out above other applicants.
I am glad you voiced your fears here in the forum and I know others will be along to give you support and input.
Moderator: Anxiety/Panic, Osteoarthritis, GERD/Heartburn and Heart/Cardiovascular Disease.

"If you can't change the world, change your world"

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2317
   Posted 10/17/2010 8:49 PM (GMT -6)   
Can you look for work in the city where you want to live? I kinda agree with your parents that it's not a great idea in this market to just move & hope for the best. Sadly it's really hard to find work right now. If you could at least find a job in the city, that would be something. It still might be tough to have no family & friends around if it doesn't work out or falls apart with the guy, but at least if you had a job you could continue to rent a place there until you figured out what the next step would be.
I feel for you with just being so discouraged. My counselor encouraged me to take some risks & try to find a job in teaching (which I love, but was sick for several years so I'm a bit nervous about whether anyone will want to hire me). And I've found that now I have all kinds of energy to look for work & take care of housework & finances. I do struggle with depression but in this case it was just that being a secretary really sucked for me. I had nothing to keep my mind occupied for 8 hours of the day so I would just think dark thoughts & make plans to end my life at 5:00. Yeah. Seriously.
The thought of going back to that was just too much. But things are somewhat looking up. I met with an Asst. Principal the other day & though she didn't have anything for me she was very encouraging about my qualifications & portfolio.
So I guess before going to the doctor I would suggest seeing if there isn't something that can get you out of the slump. If not, then maybe a trip to the doctor or counselor would be helpful. Just know that you are useful in this world & it's just a matter of finding out what you love & doing it.

best wishes,

Trying to Understand
Veteran Member

Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 776
   Posted 10/19/2010 2:17 PM (GMT -6)   
Yes, Blue with all above, and your folks, this is not the time to move far, far, away, especially with no job, and the haunting possibility of reuniting with old flame. Bad idea.

Long term, goal to be independent is a good one. Where you are, then elsewhere.

You do sound as depressed as anxious. Go to the GP and get checked out, maybe an antidepressant.

Short term goal, get on your feet and help around the house. Set an alarm to get up same time every day, go to bed same time every night. Eat 3 x/day, a little something healthy.

Do you journal? You have lots to say. I make lists of thoughts, plans ideas, pros/cons, etc. Re-read, revise, re-write.

Good luck,

Post Edited (Trying to Understand) : 10/19/2010 2:21:18 PM (GMT-6)

Regular Member

Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 243
   Posted 10/23/2010 11:30 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you all.

I want to be adventurous, and I think that's what's spurring my want to move cross-country; however, I talked to a friend today who very astutely pointed out that "my problems would just follow me to the other coast." I'm considering school again, but I feel like such a flip-flopper. It's hard to know what my exact feelings are about school. Did I quit this semester because it was too hard? Because it wasn't the program I wanted? I don't know. What if I decide I do want to apply to the program again? Will I have to wait until next year? Will I have to re-submit another formal application? I didn't leave for medical reasons, but ended up getting sick two weeks after I quit. I don't think this guarantees my admission in future semesters. Do I want to be stuck here if they do let me back in the program? There are a lot of things I don't have control over, and it feels really awful to feel so rotten physically at the same time I feel bad mentally. It's a double whammy. I can't make good decisions, but these decisions are going to shape the coming years. Every attempt I've made at writing Pro/Con lists has failed. Maybe I should go to law school; I could argue my way out of or into anything. AAAAGGGH!!!!
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