I'm writing because I don't know where else to vent my feelings. I have hit a new low in my motivation level. In September, I attended graduate school for a week before deciding it was not the degree or program I thought it was, and to not continue my stuides. Since then, I have been trying to piece together the semblance of a productive life. Following my withdrawal from school, I applied to scores of jobs in a city 2,500 miles away (where I have family and would much rather be living than where I live now, with my parents). I received a couple phone calls, but no solid leads or job offers. I then became ill with an unrelated stomach condition. My parents now argue that I have to stay here and figure out what's going on before I can even think about moving away. I don't want to put roots down here, so I am resistant to the idea that I have to be stuck here. My problem is that I'm not motivated to do anything. It's never been this bad before. I have all these great plans for moving to this far-away city, but I realized today I have no idea what I would actually do if I ever got there. I have been going over it in my head, and am subconsciously moving there for bad reasons. There's a boy that I know there, who I feel like sort of wanted to make sure I wasn't moving there because of him. I couldn't convince myself that I wasn't. On the other hand, I worked there before I knew him, and since 2006 have had this dream of moving out there and seeing if I could make it on my own. I had a long-term boyfriend until May 2009 (we were together in college for two years, which, for me, is long-term). I'm afraid I have too high expectations for this crush in the far-away city and that I believe that if I go out there we'll magically be together and I won't have to figure out all this icky real-life stuff by myself. Meanwhile, I'm stuck living with my parents and feeling totally unmotivated to do anything. I don't believe that anyone will ever just *give* me a job, I realize that I have to put forth effort to get one. The stupid thing is, I don't feel like trying anymore. I dread waking up in the morning, because it's so anxiety-provoking. I feel so incredibly guilty 24/7 because I don't contribute as much as I should to the household I live in, I don't go work out at the gym, I'm afraid / resistant to getting a job here... I don't know why I feel the way I feel! I don't feel like doing anything which would not change if I moved to far-away city. My parents asked me what I would say if an employer asked me what I'd been doing since graduating in May. I don't have a good answer. The only thing I want to say is "I was depressed and anxious and angry", but obviously know that I can't say that. If I'm depressed or anxious I have to find a way to deal with it and still compete with people that don't have to deal with these problems. I know it would be smart and would behoove me to go to a temp agency and find work or go to the local elementary school and see if I could volunteer, but I don't feel like I'm of any use to anyone. I don't have any skills, and I feel like total crap. I'm so anxious I can't get out of bed in the morning. I know this won't change if I move to far-away city, but at least then I'll be forced to do things. Here, I just feel like a total ingrate. My parents are supporting me while I eat them out of house and home, and I am so selfish I can't contribute because I'm anxious?! It makes no sense. I wouldn't believe me if I told myself my symptoms. I feel at once like my parents don't understand me and that they couldn't possibly, because my explanation of how I'm feeling is so irrational. I want a job, a life, friends in far-away city, but can't see that happening if I can't even get it together to get temp work at home, with my parents supporting my laziness. I don't feel lazy, but I feel like that's how people see me. I don't know... help?!