Why is it I feel I can help others, but I feel as if I cannot help myself?
The following seems terribly complex to me, and I really don't know if it is, or if my depression is making it seem that way.
I have an interview Friday for a job that has me petrified right now. It's a job that is listed in part as a software developer. I have done some software development in the past, but I am not a bonafide software developer. The job also requires someone who uses some specific mapping software, which I have used for a long time. In fact, I am trying to get a business going with that software because I invested a bunch of money a year ago to purchase it. Why I am interviewing for this job is that I haven't been able to bring in enough money with the business, and I'm desperate to do anything right now to bring in some money. A recruiter actually called me about the job, and so I went through him with the resume et al, and the company is interested in interviewing me. I also teach at a college and teach at an online college right now to bring in a few bucks, but it is not enough money to pay the bills - thus the interview.
There is some specific development software the interviewing company uses, and I have downloaded the software, and I have been trying to make sense of it so that I can at least talk like I know something about it on Friday. But I'm not a software developer, and on top of it I don't like the software. I am having fits trying to understand it, and I feel like I am doing everything I can to sabotage myself. I'm a bright guy, but I am utterly overwhelmed here. I feel too old, too out of sync, and normally I would be picking up some things by now, but I'm not. In fact, this disfunction has affected an online college class I teach because I struggled to post things all weekend long. I've found some tutorials on the software online, but even going through them is not helping right now - it's going in, but nothing is sticking.
Depression has caused me to have mental lapses from time to time, and the more stress I am under, the worse they get. My wife didn't help much by telling me maybe I have Alzheimers or something (perhaps she was joking, I didn't take it that way). Tonight at dinner I told her I was having major issues with understanding the software, didn't like it, and felt I was too old to learn enough of it in time for the interview. That started an argument - I immediately lost my appetite, which usually happens when we have arguments when I am depressed, and then she told me in private that my saying that in front of my kids was setting a bad example for them. Maybe it was, but it's exactly how I feel right now, and I needed someone to hear it.
I had to get out of the house after that, which I did, and I set my mind in gear to writing something about it here as soon as I got home. For one, my wife has never understood my depression (at least I've never seen it that way), and has told me too many times I need to get myself out of it. Arguments between us, which are sometimes about my depression, cause me to feel worse and more depressed, and despite having told her that hundreds of times, she seems to pay no heed to that. When I told her I'm going to the pain clinic on the advice of my therapist (cervical neck pain that has troubled me ever since I had disc surgery) - my wife was completely cold to that. Instead of saying "I hope they can do something for you," she's done nothing but say they're probably not going to give you what you and the therapist want, so expect that. The other thing she said was I was going to end up a Vicodin addict.
I'm completely frustrated tonight. I know I need to to my best at this interview, but I'm almost afraid of getting the job. I don't know exactly what they want or need, I just know I'm thinking they need this seasoned developer, and I'm not that guy. But if they don't need that much development, then I probably am the guy for the job because many aspects of it are related to the work I have been doing for years.
I don't expect help on the job issue itself, but please help me sort out what is going on with me. Maybe you'll see something in what I wrote that I am not seeing. I feel insignificant and powerless right now. The side of me that has confidence and need is battling with the side of me that is anxious and afraid.