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Taygeta
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2010
Total Posts : 164
   Posted 10/17/2010 7:48 PM (GMT -6)   
Why is it I feel I can help others, but I feel as if I cannot help myself?
 
The following seems terribly complex to me, and I really don't know if it is, or if my depression is making it seem that way.
 
I have an interview Friday for a job that has me petrified right now.  It's a job that is listed in part as a software developer.  I have done some software development in the past, but I am not a bonafide software developer.  The job also requires someone who uses some specific mapping software, which I have used for a long time.  In fact, I am trying to get a business going with that software because I invested a bunch of money a year ago to purchase it.  Why I am interviewing for this job is that I haven't been able to bring in enough money with the business, and I'm desperate to do anything right now to bring in some money.  A recruiter actually called me about the job, and so I went through him with the resume et al, and the company is interested in interviewing me.  I also teach at a college and teach at an online college right now to bring in a few bucks, but it is not enough money to pay the bills - thus the interview.
 
There is some specific development software the interviewing company uses, and I have downloaded the software, and I have been trying to make sense of it so that I can at least talk like I know something about it on Friday.  But I'm not a software developer, and on top of it I don't like the software.  I am having fits trying to understand it, and I feel like I am doing everything I can to sabotage myself.  I'm a bright guy, but I am utterly overwhelmed here.  I feel too old, too out of sync, and normally I would be picking up some things by now, but I'm not.  In fact, this disfunction has affected an online college class I teach because I struggled to post things all weekend long.  I've found some tutorials on the software online, but even going through them is not helping right now - it's going in, but nothing is sticking.
 
Depression has caused me to have mental lapses from time to time, and the more stress I am under, the worse they get.  My wife didn't help much by telling me maybe I have Alzheimers or something (perhaps she was joking, I didn't take it that way).  Tonight at dinner I told her I was having major issues with understanding the software, didn't like it, and felt I was too old to learn enough of it in time for the interview.  That started an argument - I immediately lost my appetite, which usually happens when we have arguments when I am depressed, and then she told me in private that my saying that in front of my kids was setting a bad example for them.  Maybe it was, but it's exactly how I feel right now, and I needed someone to hear it.   
 
I had to get out of the house after that, which I did, and I set my mind in gear to writing something about it here as soon as I got home.  For one, my wife has never understood my depression (at least I've never seen it that way), and has told me too many times I need to get myself out of it.  Arguments between us, which are sometimes about my depression, cause me to feel worse and more depressed, and despite having told her that hundreds of times, she seems to pay no heed to that.  When I told her I'm going to the pain clinic on the advice of my therapist (cervical neck pain that has troubled me ever since I had disc surgery) - my wife was completely cold to that.  Instead of saying "I hope they can do something for you," she's done nothing but say they're probably not going to give you what you and the therapist want, so expect that.  The other thing she said was I was going to end up a Vicodin addict.
 
I'm completely frustrated tonight.  I know I need to to my best at this interview, but I'm almost afraid of getting the job.  I don't know exactly what they want or need, I just know I'm thinking they need this seasoned developer, and I'm not that guy.  But if they don't need that much development, then I probably am the guy for the job because many aspects of it are related to the work I have been doing for years.  
 
I don't expect help on the job issue itself, but please help me sort out what is going on with me.  Maybe you'll see something in what I wrote that I am not seeing.  I feel insignificant and powerless right now.   The side of me that has confidence and need is battling with the side of me that is anxious and afraid. 
 
Scythia    
 
 

Taygeta
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2010
Total Posts : 164
   Posted 10/17/2010 8:22 PM (GMT -6)   
Siobhan,
 
You're seeing the stressed out anxious me right now.  You reminded me.  I didn't think about my alprazolam.   Just took one.  I've got to calm down.  You are so correct.  I've got to calm down.  I'm going to do that.  Thanks, siobhan.  I'll be back on when I'm calmer.
 
 

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20193
   Posted 10/17/2010 10:43 PM (GMT -6)   
good work siobhan!!! scythia, remember your attributes, tie them into the job. take an extra cv just in case someone else wants a look. beleive in you, we do!!! always request a ph call from the employer, this shows that you really want it. say it at the end, something like, may i request a ph call to advise me of the outcome please. they love it!!
all the best, jamie.
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 10/18/2010 9:23 AM (GMT -6)   
scythia
 
I have been where you are right now and I understand how the thoughts can spin out of control. 

Oh, what’s that you say?  You’re not qualified for the position?  Well maybe you are or maybe you are not but you can learn and remember to ask at the interview the expectaions of the job position  ?  Just go to this interview without all the cramming to learn how to do the duties as you will just keep your anxeity and fear in high gear by trying to qualify yourself at the last minute.
 
Keep an open mind as it is just an interview and do the best you can.  Many people learn on the job as it is a new position for you.  Be kind to yourself.
 
Do not let your wife or anyone define who you are and I really don't believe you have Alzheimer's Disease but you do have depression and anxiety which is causing your mind to play tricks on you.  Beleive in yourself and know you are wise and caring.  If the job interview doesn't work out,  consider it a good experience as you went and you made it through.  Great practice for your next interview.  If you get the position,  give it a try and if you really don't like the job  it is OK to give yourself permission to change your mind and move on.
 
Remember when you get those wild and spinning thoughts to picture that STOP sign and kick the stinkin thinkin to the curb my friend.
 
Kindly,
Kitt
 
 
 
 
~~Kitt~~
Moderator: Anxiety/Panic, Osteoarthritis, GERD/Heartburn and Heart/Cardiovascular Disease.
www.healingwell.com

"If you can't change the world, change your world"

Taygeta
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2010
Total Posts : 164
   Posted 10/19/2010 9:06 AM (GMT -6)   
Hey All,
 
You have given me some good things to think about.  I'm a lot calmer now - Thanks, Siobhan.  I'm off the spinning thought ride now and have thrown the cramming ideas into the trash- Thanks, Kitt.  Going to just look at my positives and use them at the interview - Thanks, Jamie.  
 
Scythia 

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 10/19/2010 9:15 AM (GMT -6)   
 
I wish you the best with your interview and remember no matter what the outcome you are a winner.  We are right here to support you always.
 
Kindly,
Kitt

~~Kitt~~
Moderator: Anxiety/Panic, Osteoarthritis, GERD/Heartburn and Heart/Cardiovascular Disease.
www.healingwell.com

"If you can't change the world, change your world"

Geosojda
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 262
   Posted 10/19/2010 11:37 AM (GMT -6)   
Glad to read your reply this morning! i'm happy you are feeling better and that you have a game plan for the interview!!! Good luck and no matter what happens we are here for you! turn

Taygeta
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2010
Total Posts : 164
   Posted 10/19/2010 6:50 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Siobhan,
 
Not had it yet.  It is friday.  Thanks for the support.
 
Scythia

Fakingit
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2010
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 10/21/2010 9:30 AM (GMT -6)   
In this market, they looked at your resume and wanted to interview you. The headhunter called you, not the other way around. You aren't pretending to be something you aren't. They liked what they saw. Perhaps it will work out, perhaps not. But it is a pretty darn good sign that they want to talk to you. And I suppose it would be a good thing if we could raise children without letting them see much human self-doubt and anxiety. Or would it? I don't know any families where that is possible and I sure feel sorry for the families that are determined to set that standard for their parental behavior. Well, let me be honest. Yes. I wish I could be like Mary Ellen at the end of the block with her perfect family. But I'm not and nor are ninety five percent of the rest of the families (I am guessing here). Going to the interview despite self-doubt is the real example. Good for you on that end. I haven't always been able to go there, but when I did, it usually just felt really good to have done it. And it sure is great to get the heck out there afterwards!

Taygeta
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2010
Total Posts : 164
   Posted 10/21/2010 8:45 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Fakingit,
 
No.  Definitely not pretending to be something I am not.  Told the recruiter that development was not my forte.  I do it, have done it, but it has not been a common task for me.  The job may require more development experience than I have, but I've gotten over that worry now.  The listing does not go into detail.  We shall see what we shall see.  Thanks for your post.
 
Scythia 
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