Abused, Absent Mother

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paigel
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2010
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 10/19/2010 9:52 PM (GMT -6)   
I guess I just need somebody that has a response besides "let it go already".

In two weeks it will be one year since the last time I had a conversation with my mom. In this one year, I've torn myself up about it. Felt every emotion possible, sad, angry, forgiving, back to mad again. The whole reason we haven't spoke is because of the horrendous person she has become, and the lack of responsibility she has for being this way. She has always had issues, but everybody has their issues, I was always able to forgive everything until that night. Her boyfriend came home screaming about how worthless she was, and how much of mistakes me and my siblings were. I love those kids with everything in me, I'd do, anything for them. I told him, "You know they are kids, it's extremely uncalled for to say things like that" He returned by screaming at me an inch from my face yelling every horrible thing you could think of. She just stood there. Didn't tell him to stop, didn't help me. Just stood there and watched. It didn't stop, so I called the cops. They told him to leave. She came upstairs, told me that nobody asked me to call the cops, that it wasn't any of my business. I told her flat out, it is my business when I live here and when these kids live here, that if you want to let someone talk to you like that then thats your choose. But you're not dragging us down with you. She tried to explain to me that people fight, and I said not everyday like you guys do and not like that. I told her that she needed to choose between getting help and having her kids around or her boyfriend. She choose her boyfriend. A mother, of four kids, choose an abusive drug and drinking boyfriend over her family. It KILLS me. But at the same time, I am not the least bit surprised.

She has never really been around. She was eighteen when she had me and was absent at best. I stayed with my aunt, and my dad, and then she came back, then she dropped me off at my grandpas house and left for a year. She finally came around, married. Things were seemingly good. They divorced, she remarried. Things went from seemingly good, to horrible real fast. I would be left home alone for hours and hours when I was in third grade with my little brother. We wouldn't have anything to eat, I'd only eat when I went to school - when I made it to school. There were times she'd be so passed out drunk that she just wouldn't take me. I'd sit at home crying for them not to leave me home alone again - she'd tell me she'd be back in an hour - I'd wait up crying till I fell asleep because they didn't come back. They eventually divorced, and things got worse. I was the primary caregiver for my brothers, I gave them baths, helped with homework, made them food. She continued to be absent. She left for an entire week and never called to inform anyone of where she was. There was the time she was arrested on my sixteenth birthday for domestic violence - from throwing me down the steps because she was drunk. She'd forget about her kids in a second for any other person. She drinks - heavily. I spent my whole summer after highschool working to buy a computer, and she got drunk and threw it out the window. She's charged things on my credit report. When really, thats the least of what she does.

The boyfriend she has now has only brought out the worse in her. They are toxic to each other. He stabbed my brother with a fork, will lock the kids outside when its ten degrees outside, won't let them eat anything. He treats them horribly. She just sits there and lets him do it. She adds on, and has became this, awful person. She is completely displaced from her entire family. Nobody talks to her, including me, her own daughter. She's already lost custody of one of the boys, and is in the process of losing custody of the two youngest.

I have been dealing with this my whole life. Honestly, I thought it was normal for awhile. I realize it's not. But the amount of pain and hurt that it's caused me is destroying me. It's caused me so much anxiety, problems in my trust with people, sever abandoment issues, eating disorders. You name it, I've probably felt it. I'm strong though, I've always been able to deal and cope. But I'm starting to realize I never coped with anything .. I just pushed it to the side. I' just, need to feel okay again, better again.

help? blush

manyembers
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 424
   Posted 10/19/2010 10:37 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello Paigel,

I'm so sorry. I'm glad you posted here and hope you get lots of wonderful support as that is what you deserve.

Reading your post, it really stands out to me how strong and brave you have been and it sounds like you have a really good head on your shoulders. I know there is great pain and I know the anxiety, anger, heartbreak etc. that goes along with situations like you describe.

I was about 19 when I remember telling a friend that I didn't understand why I wasn't recovered yet from all the pain I'd had with my family (abuse related) and she said "It took a long time for that pain to pile up, so it's going to take time for it to go away." So it's normal that you can't just 'get over it already.' It doesn't work that away. It so okay to feel all that you are feeling and totally normal that you can't just shut it off. Actually, the fact that you are feeling it and not pushing it aside is healthy. Often when that happens it means the mind believes the person is strong enough or ready to start working through things at deeper level.

I really admire you for how you took care of your siblings and told your mother the truth. Wow. At this point, the advice I would have is to look for a counselor, someone you can tell your story to. They can help you work through the pain, and look at the ways it has affected you so that you can get some good coping tools in place, and start to really heal.

I have next to no contact with my family because of the abuse that happened, and that is what has allowed me to heal and grow into the person I am today. I know it's painful. Somehow we always love our mothers, even if they have hurt us terribly. But I just want to say good for you for doing what you needed - for stepping back and letting her go in order to take care of yourself.

Hopefully some other folks here can help you find some good resources and no doubt will give you a warm welcome and lots of encouragment. I'm glad you found the forum. Sometimes it just means a lot to have a place to share how we feel and know people care.

I wish you all the very best in life! yeah

embers

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20134
   Posted 10/20/2010 5:16 AM (GMT -6)   
hi paigel. jamie here. welcome. you have been very brave in sharing, alike embers keep being brave and find some good support. with healing compassion, jamie.
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 10/20/2010 9:03 AM (GMT -6)   
Hello paigel,
 
Welcome to HealingWell and the Depression Forum.  I am so sorry for what you have lived through and how it continues to rule your life.  From your description, I feel you 1) have experienced an abusive childhood, 2) continue to have problems with the upbringing due to the emotionally traumatic memories, 3) have weak support system , and 4) are probably clinically depressed.
 
Obsessive thoughts about our past, especially our “bad” past, is a classic sign of depression.
 
Adult survivors of child abuse may never forget what happened to them but they can live healthy powerful lives.   I do hope you will see a therapist and get help in working through your feelings.
 
You did the best you could when you were a child living in an abusive relationship and I admire you for calling the police when you felt you needed too.  I hope your siblings are away from your Mother now and not still under her abusive behavior. 
 
Paigel,  I will not tell you to just let it go as I know from my own experience with an abusive stepmother that it does not always work so easily.  I feel the best option in terms of emotional growth/health is probably to remember that she may be your mom, but she's also a person, and some people are deeply flawed and don't deserve to be a part of your life. You'll never totally shake the bad feelings, but hopefully over time you'll realize that you aren't the problem here in any way, shape or form.
 
Abuse is never OK. 
 
Gentle Hugs to you,
 
Kitt

~~Kitt~~
Moderator: Anxiety/Panic, Osteoarthritis, GERD/Heartburn and Heart/Cardiovascular Disease.
www.healingwell.com

"If you can't change the world, change your world"

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20134
   Posted 10/20/2010 6:54 PM (GMT -6)   
yes kitt. we are not and never to blame. abuse in any form is not ok. i am a survivor, a sequale of abuse, (means all encompassing) but with help i have dealt with it. still penetrates my mind every so often, but i have forgiven my perpertrator, this is not for everyone, but by doing this i forgave myself. i did go through hell, but with specialised counselling i am much, much better. jamie.
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

Aurora60
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1257
   Posted 10/20/2010 7:42 PM (GMT -6)   
Paigel, It is not OK for someone to abuse you the way you have been. Not by your mother's boyfriends or by her. I hope you have informed child protective services about what has happened in your family. Your brothers need protection and need to be taken away from your mother. My mother was abusive to me as a child but not as terrible to me as to my sisters who suffered terribly. I became the good child. Years later when my mother became ill and could no longer be alone I took her into my house and cared for her for 10yrs. Despite the abuse, I did it because she was sick and I felt it was the right thing to do. She is gone now but the memories have never faded. I have struggled with depression and panic disorder because of her. My oldest sister died and I have another sister who lives in another state. I always thought she and I were so close. After my mom died and my sister found out I was to get my mother's posessions my sister became very verbally abusive to me. I haven't spoken to her in 8 yrs and never will. I have seen a therapist for years and am still trying to let go. I think if you can get some counselling it would be a big help for you. You do not say how old you are or if you are in school or working. I am assuming you are no longer a minor. If you are under 18 then you need child protective services for yourself. I truly believe the best start for you is to get some type of therapy. Is there a local family service agency where you live? They always have sliding scale fees. I think it is something for you to look in to. You need help and a way to heal yourself. It is true that just because she is your mother doesn't mean that you have to have her in your life. And do you really want to? I believe the pain you have been through will ease if you can find a good counselor you can talk to about this. If you are in school there may be someone who can help you. I know you can't just forget about this and those of us who have been through abuse don't forget but as time goes by the the pain is less and you become stronger. You mentioned your mother was drinking. A wonderful organization that can help you is
Al-Anon. They offer wonderful support and will give you others to talk to who have experienced similar problems. If your mother has alchohol problems she is not going to change. I think for your own protection and well being you are best staying away from her. Where is your father? Is he still in your life and is he aware of all you have been through? If he is still in touch with you can you go to him for support? Also,are you able to see your brothers? They have been through so much too and it might be good for them to know you still care about them and want to have them in your life. I would never tell you to try to forget about this and move on. You need some professional help. I hope you have some friends in your life so that you have companionship. You have come to a good place where people will respond to you and try to help you, but most of all be here to give you support. Please post anytime you need to talk. There is always someone here to help you. PLease try to take good care of you.
 
Gentle hugs,
 
Aurora

vixen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 794
   Posted 10/22/2010 10:18 AM (GMT -6)   
hello.
Don't usually 'visit' here(usually Crohns forum) I read your post and it hit a nerve with me too. Not totally the same situation but I do understand and it is hard! In 3 weeks time it will be one year since I last spoke to my mum(and half sister) and I do not believe that we will ever speak again! She is ,as good as dead to me now. I have been carrying emotional baggage around with me for a good 40 odd years(45 now) and I simply got to the point where I could either accept that she would never be what I wanted but to continue some sort of relationship or cut my losses(which I did after a particularly nasty letter from her) I still mull on it esp coming up to anniversary date and I still wonder 'why' she is as she is and I do feel rejected/unwanted/hurt/depressed but in the same vein know that I am better off out of it all.
I can't offer any advice or solutions-but  I do understand  ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) 
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