I guess I just need somebody that has a response besides "let it go already".
In two weeks it will be one year since the last time I had a conversation with my mom. In this one year, I've torn myself up about
it. Felt every emotion possible, sad, angry, forgiving, back to mad again. The whole reason we haven't spoke is because of the horrendous person she has become, and the lack of responsibility she has for being this way. She has always had issues, but everybody has their issues, I was always able to forgive everything until that night. Her boyfriend came home screaming about
how worthless she was, and how much of mistakes me and my siblings were. I love those kids with everything in me, I'd do, anything for them. I told him, "You know they are kids, it's extremely uncalled for to say things like that" He returned by screaming at me an inch from my face yelling every horrible thing you could think of. She just stood there. Didn't tell him to stop, didn't help me. Just stood there and watched. It didn't stop, so I called the cops. They told him to leave. She came upstairs, told me that nobody asked me to call the cops, that it wasn't any of my business. I told her flat out, it is my business when I live here and when these kids live here, that if you want to let someone talk to you like that then thats your choose. But you're not dragging us down with you. She tried to explain to me that people fight, and I said not everyday like you guys do and not like that. I told her that she needed to choose between getting help and having her kids around or her boyfriend. She choose her boyfriend. A mother, of four kids, choose an abusive drug and drinking boyfriend over her family. It KILLS me. But at the same time, I am not the least bit surprised.
She has never really been around. She was eighteen when she had me and was absent at best. I stayed with my aunt, and my dad, and then she came back, then she dropped me off at my grandpas house and left for a year. She finally came around, married. Things were seemingly good. They divorced, she remarried. Things went from seemingly good, to horrible real fast. I would be left home alone for hours and hours when I was in third grade with my little brother. We wouldn't have anything to eat, I'd only eat when I went to school - when I made it to school. There were times she'd be so passed out drunk that she just wouldn't take me. I'd sit at home crying for them not to leave me home alone again - she'd tell me she'd be back in an hour - I'd wait up crying till I fell asleep because they didn't come back. They eventually divorced, and things got worse. I was the primary caregiver for my brothers, I gave them baths, helped with homework, made them food. She continued to be absent. She left for an entire week and never called to inform anyone of where she was. There was the time she was arrested on my sixteenth birthday for domestic violence - from throwing me down the steps because she was drunk. She'd forget about
her kids in a second for any other person. She drinks - heavily. I spent my whole summer after highschool working to buy a computer, and she got drunk and threw it out the window. She's charged things on my credit report. When really, thats the least of what she does.
The boyfriend she has now has only brought out the worse in her. They are toxic to each other. He stabbed my brother with a fork, will lock the kids outside when its ten degrees outside, won't let them eat anything. He treats them horribly. She just sits there and lets him do it. She adds on, and has became this, awful person. She is completely displaced from her entire family. Nobody talks to her, including me, her own daughter. She's already lost custody of one of the boys, and is in the process of losing custody of the two youngest.
I have been dealing with this my whole life. Honestly, I thought it was normal for awhile. I realize it's not. But the amount of pain and hurt that it's caused me is destroying me. It's caused me so much anxiety, problems in my trust with people, sever abandoment issues, eating disorders. You name it, I've probably felt it. I'm strong though, I've always been able to deal and cope. But I'm starting to realize I never coped with anything .. I just pushed it to the side. I' just, need to feel okay again, better again.