Farm living isn't the life for me = depression

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New Member

Date Joined Oct 2010
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 10/21/2010 11:07 AM (GMT -6)   
I am feeling pretty lonely again so I registered here and am hoping that I can find some like-minded people.  I'm a fifty four year old woman, have been married for twenty something years with two children.  Fifteen years ago, my father in law offered my husband the family farm house ahead of his inheritance.  It is on the same piece of land as my inlaws.  I told him I thought it would be the end of us.  When I met my husband, I was living in NYC.   Farm living isn't the life for me. We lived for ten years in the place where I grew up and where my husband worked.  I knew that I didn't fit into my husband's family and, in fact, at one point his sister wrote me and told me she feared for my marriage because I was "spiritually bereft."   Well, we moved anyway.  For the first three years, my father in law, who is extremely religious and bigotted was working on fixing up the place and spent all day in the house, commenting on how I raised my children, how this one only needed a good spanking, etc.  I have slowly just become more and more and more depressed here.  I left a full life in my old city, with an active poetry writing social network, many old friends, etc.  I tried to make a go of it here but it has just gone from bad to worse.  Sometimes I would just put stuff in a suitcase and get in the car and go. And I am afraid that sometimes my daughter saw that. I haven't worked for a long while now.  What makes it worse is that, even though the farm and 125 acres are also in my name, I wouldn't ever hope to partition the land, sell it and take half the money.  It has been in the family since 1920.  So I have nothing.  And it would be up to me to go and no matter what, my children would always see me as the one who left the marriage.  None of the normal, sell the house and divide the property or let the wife and children stay in house will work here.  To make matters even worse, my daughter has had an extremely rough two years, cutting herself, being hospitalized, hallucinating, etc. and I have had to be here making sure she is okay.  I know I come from a long line of lousy mental health genes, with some of the worst outcomes that can arise from some of that in my family.  I am trying to keep hope.  My daughter is doing much better and I hope she can actually finish her senior year (she was home-hospital the last 18 months where the child goes to school some and gets mostly tutored at home at public school expense)  and I hope she goes on to college and stays stable.  I have been studying for nine months to pass the personal certification training test but it is very hard.  If I don't pass the test by December, I will have to purchase a whole new program because the test is changing.  I decided to try to study since I as home andunable to do a whole lot.  Working out keeps me sane.  Or did until I ended up very down during my daughter's illness.  I stopped working out ,started smoking again after twenty years, etc.  Recently, I started working out and running again and I think that I feel so strongly about exercise and its benefits that I would make a great trainer.  But I am just so sad.  I don't know if I have the energy to go on.  I am crying and crying and I feel that my life is so screwed up that nothing will ever work out.  I mean, it isn't as though I will make enough money to get my own place.  And I haven't worked in so very long.  And this is just the half of the issues facing me.  I can't afford to go to a therapist because my husband's pay has been cut by thirty percent.  I know it could be worse.  All but three of the other 25 workers were fired because of the ecomomy.  But taking my daughter to an out-of- plan psychiatrist and to therapy (it took a year to find the right person and even then we had to wait to see the doctor...the other ones yanked her on and off meds until she was really crazed). I just can't see how I can pay for a therapist.  I get a lot of anxiety attacks but my doctor doesn't believe in giving klonopin for long, even though I never abused it and probably only filled the prescription when I had it every couple of months, only when I was experiencing acute attacks.  So I am sitting here today feeling very lonely and hopeless.  I bought another pack of cigarettes after quitting again for five months once I started running again. I am sorry to unload all this.  But I don't know how to fix any of this.  This is a relatively poor county that doesn't have sliding scale mental health clinics. I am no longer believing that there is way out of this.  And I am just so very lonely.

Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 10/21/2010 4:35:45 PM (GMT-6)

Veteran Member

Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 790
   Posted 10/21/2010 11:51 AM (GMT -6)   
Ok, you are having a bad day!

You are looking at life as a whole, when we do this, it all gets way WAY too big for us to deal with. Brake things up a little, focus only on what is really going on at the moment.

I know it is very dangerous for me to look at my life as a whole, I have to keep things smaller in order to manage whats up today.

Best of luck to you, you are very much not alone when you stick around here

New Member

Date Joined Oct 2010
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 10/21/2010 11:59 AM (GMT -6)   
Thanks for that. I appreciate it. Good advice. Maybe I will just try to run tomorrow. I can't do it today but I think tomorrow I can do that. Might be all I can do tomorrow. But I can do that. I appreciate you taking the time to answer....

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 6927
   Posted 10/21/2010 12:06 PM (GMT -6)   
I wonder if your daughter's psych would be able to refer you to someone who would work within your finicial constraints? The worse thing that they could say is no.
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I will find a way or make one. –Phillip Sidney 1554-1586
All that I am and all that I shall ever be, I owe to my Angel Mother.
The Bucket List- Have you found joy in your life? Has your life brought joy to others?
Make sure your suffering has meaning…

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2317
   Posted 10/21/2010 6:31 PM (GMT -6)   
Your husband/his family could always buy out your half of the property. Assuming you don't owe a huge mortgage, that can be done by him mortgaging the property or taking out a second mortgage. Rates are really good right now so that's definitely do-able if the two of you have a little equity in the property.

I don't really encourage divorce but if you & your daughter are so bad off maybe looking into that would be for the best. Many attorneys are willing to provide an initial consult at no charge (I'm not sure about divorce attorneys, but that's pretty standard in all other areas of law) so you might try contacting someone to find out what your options are. Even if you're really not wanting to go the divorce route, I would still suggest meeting with someone to discuss that option so at least you understand how it would work, what it is, what it is not, etc. Some people find that just knowing that they could get divorced helps them feel more happy & positive about their marriage and more willing to try for a little longer to make things work.

Please do try to find a counselor somehow. My mom used to get in the car & leave for hours on end. It was horribly stressful for my sibs & me. As time went on, she got more & more stressed and would leave for longer periods of time -- sometimes 1-2 days at a time (it took years to get to that point, but it was still rough feeling that our mom must hate us a lot to feel like she had to get out, unplanned & not tell us where she was going or when she was coming back). It started off as just a drive around the block a couple times when we were young (anyone 2 or younger got to go with her, the rest of us were on our own). Then she would be gone for 30 minutes, then an hour or two, then the whole evening & eventually a day or two.

So kids do notice & you owe it to your kids to find some kind of help (and you owe it to yourself as well). Your primary care doctor/family doctor might also be able to help you search for a counselor who can work with you for very little money. Also, have you talked with your husband about how miserable you are & that you are thinking of getting a divorce if the two of you can't move back to the city? Maybe he doesn't realize that it's gotten to that point. You could always rent out the country house -- at least until your daughter's illness is stabilized & you have some time to sort through your own issues/thoughts/feelings to see if maybe there is something that would allow you to enjoy living in the country (or at least not be totally overwhelmed and miserable). Perhaps there are certain things about the city that you love & those could be re-created in the country? idk, but it sounds like you may need some time to rest/recover & get your daughter stable before trying to tackle that huge task. But there are some things that can be re-created (some of the most delicious restaurants will ship their signature dishes, frozen, to anywhere in the US if you miss the food; there are some hidden gems in the country as far as salons/spas that are not easy to find [sometimes they're in someone's home] that can mimic even very nice spas in the city; though country people tend to be more private & keep to their own families, maybe it would be possible to find coordinated activities during the week & travel to stay with friends on the weekends). I'm not saying those are the things that you miss about the city, just pointing out that once you are feeling happy, peaceful & secure you might be able to brainstorm some ideas that would make you feel more happy & alive, and allow your husband the joy of living on his family's land. But one step at a time. First, contact a divorce attorney just to understand how that works. Second, find a counselor. Third, set a next step towards bringing happiness, peace & stability to your family.

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