I am feeling pretty lonely again so I registered here and am hoping that I can find some like-minded people. I'm a fifty four year old woman, have been married for twenty something years with two children. Fifteen years ago, my father in law offered my husband the family farm house ahead of his inheritance. It is on the same piece of land as my inlaws. I told him I thought it would be the end of us. When I met my husband, I was living in NYC. Farm living isn't the life for me. We lived for ten years in the place where I grew up and where my husband worked. I knew that I didn't fit into my husband's family and, in fact, at one point his sister wrote me and told me she feared for my marriage because I was "spiritually bereft." Well, we moved anyway. For the first three years, my father in law, who is extremely religious and bigotted was working on fixing up the place and spent all day in the house, commenting on how I raised my children, how this one only needed a good spanking, etc. I have slowly just become more and more and more depressed here. I left a full life in my old city, with an active poetry writing social network, many old friends, etc. I tried to make a go of it here but it has just gone from bad to worse. Sometimes I would just put stuff in a suitcase and get in the car and go. And I am afraid that sometimes my daughter saw that. I haven't worked for a long while now. What makes it worse is that, even though the farm and 125 acres are also in my name, I wouldn't ever hope to partition the land, sell it and take half the money. It has been in the family since 1920. So I have nothing. And it would be up to me to go and no matter what, my children would always see me as the one who left the marriage. None of the normal, sell the house and divide the property or let the wife and children stay in house will work here. To make matters even worse, my daughter has had an extremely rough two years, cutting herself, being hospitalized, hallucinating, etc. and I have had to be here making sure she is okay. I know I come from a long line of lousy mental health genes, with some of the worst outcomes that can arise from some of that in my family. I am trying to keep hope. My daughter is doing much better and I hope she can actually finish her senior year (she was home-hospital the last 18 months where the child goes to school some and gets mostly tutored at home at public school expense) and I hope she goes on to college and stays stable. I have been studying for nine months to pass the personal certification training test but it is very hard. If I don't pass the test by December, I will have to purchase a whole new program because the test is changing. I decided to try to study since I as home andunable to do a whole lot. Working out keeps me sane. Or did until I ended up very down during my daughter's illness. I stopped working out ,started smoking again after twenty years, etc. Recently, I started working out and running again and I think that I feel so strongly about exercise and its benefits that I would make a great trainer. But I am just so sad. I don't know if I have the energy to go on. I am crying and crying and I feel that my life is so screwed up that nothing will ever work out. I mean, it isn't as though I will make enough money to get my own place. And I haven't worked in so very long. And this is just the half of the issues facing me. I can't afford to go to a therapist because my husband's pay has been cut by thirty percent. I know it could be worse. All but three of the other 25 workers were fired because of the ecomomy. But taking my daughter to an out-of- plan psychiatrist and to therapy (it took a year to find the right person and even then we had to wait to see the doctor...the other ones yanked her on and off meds until she was really crazed). I just can't see how I can pay for a therapist. I get a lot of anxiety attacks but my doctor doesn't believe in giving klonopin for long, even though I never abused it and probably only filled the prescription when I had it every couple of months, only when I was experiencing acute attacks. So I am sitting here today feeling very lonely and hopeless. I bought another pack of cigarettes after quitting again for five months once I started running again. I am sorry to unload all this. But I don't know how to fix any of this. This is a relatively poor county that doesn't have sliding scale mental health clinics. I am no longer believing that there is way out of this. And I am just so very lonely.
Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 10/21/2010 4:35:45 PM (GMT-6)