Anyone Have An Answer? Idea?

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lskjjaj7
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2010
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 10/21/2010 9:07 PM (GMT -6)   
I am one of 6 children, I have two older sisters (same mother and father), and one brother and two sisters (same mom different dad). My mother left my biological father, and shortly after met a man I'll call Sam when I was two, at first things were just how I had always wished they could be. As I got a little older things with Sam were anything but good, he began sexually abusing me and my older sisters, often more than one each day. He was intent on proving to us that he would kill us if we told anyone, so he forced us to box him everyday. To say the least I felt like I was in hell. My mother, who knew of the physical abuse did nothing, and to this day I can not comprehend why she did not do anything, for she was hardly ever struck. After seven years of marriage she divorced him, (within those 7 years, my younger brother and sisters were born) I thought finally, maybe we can have a normal life....well that was not what would happen, she sent us to is house everyday after school, and every other weekend. And when her and I disagreed on things she would send me to live at his house, having no where to go I had to go there. The torment of being raped nearly everyday, and being so helpless is a feeling you could never know unless you were in a similar situation, so please if you have kids do WHATEVER it takes to protect them. I was 15 and after years of living back and forth with Sam and my mother, she kicked me out once again and I went to live with Sam's father and step mother, his step mother was the kind of woman where if she ever did anything for you, you owed her for the rest of your life. She was aware that I would not have a menstrual cycle for atleast 6 months at a time, so she set me up to go to a clinic and figure out what was wrong, although nervous I went. I know the woman will know, but they ask you a whole bunch of questions about you sexual and personal health before your appointment, and when the nurse asked when I lost my virginity, I hesitated because Sam's step mother told me to lie, but I wanted to tell her so I could get the most accurate results from my appointment. When I told her I had been 5 at the time, and then I explained I could see the tears in her eyes and I almost felt ashamed. However she instructed me that she would have to report it and gave me a reason to tell Sam's step mother why I could not complete the appointment. Soon after, Sam's step mother's son (who's bipolar) tried to kill his step father and sister, so needless to say I felt scared. My older sister Sasha found out and demanded I live with her, so I did. Sasha and I have always been like Bonnie and Clyde, we have been through everything together. I moved in with her and my other older sister. Once the lease was up Sasha and myself moved in with my mom and my other sister moved in with a friend. As the nurse had said she would report it, and soon I was speaking with Child protective services and the state pressed charges, after convincing my sisters that this was the right thing to do, we should think about our younger sisters no matter how hard it may be, they agreed and our bond was as close as ever. In June of 2009, ''Sam'' took a plea bargain, charged with 3 counts of rape, and sentenced to 42 years. On that day my family seemed unbreakable....however shortly after my mother kicked Sasha and I out and on my 17th birthday we moved into our own apartment...her working to jobs, and me going from a straight A student to a dropout and full time employee. Times were hard, but no matter how broke we were we knew as long as we had each other we would be fine. Well, that November we both found boyfriends, this being her first boyfriend ever, and my second, things started moving very fast, within 3 months we were all living together. In June her boyfriend ''Fred'' proposed, which I thought was a little soon. Then the worst came....she was asking my opinion of Fred and I told her the truth, that he was an alcoholic and I dont trust him because I had witnessed him putting his hands on her when he was drunk, I dont think she liked that because we stopped speaking....its been three months and I cant see how we went from best friends to not even talking. I dont speak to my family very often it , they dont agree that I told her the truth instead of supporting her. Now I;m 18 and living in TN with my boyfriend, and I seem happy but, I feel like I feel as though I should be happy and not that I am. I cry myself to sleep at night, and I dont know why. Nearly every week I have a sudden streak of anger in which I'll say hurtful things to my boyfriend ''Bob", I dont mean them and I dont know why even say them, when he asks why I'm mad I have no answer. I don't want to push the only person who is trying to help me, and that truely loves me. I just cant control myself, and often dont even remember it. I've tried to think of things to do to try to keep myself calm, so I keep myself busy so once I get into bed I'm so tired I cant stay awake to cry, and when I think I might be getting mad for nothing I go and be alone...but now I just feel empty. I have a boyfriend that is my world, that I honestly couldnt live without and is madly in love with me and a best friend that I can call at anytime....but why do I feel so empty?

Post Edited (lskjjaj7) : 10/21/2010 8:45:43 PM (GMT-6)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42610
   Posted 10/22/2010 5:53 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi There,

Welcome to HealingWell. I am so glad that you have chose to join us. I am so proud of you for stepping up to the plate and prosecuting your step father. And I am glad that he got 42 years. What he did was wrong. But I am worried about you. You could use some counseling right now. What you went though was huge. And it might be time to get it out and in the open with a psychologist or therapist. You can free yourself of the way that you are feeling now. KNow that you did the right thing. Coming here helps too. Just typing things out must have made you feel a little better. So please stick with us and heal.

I hope that this finds you having a good day. Let us know how you are doing. Keep on keeping on.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

lskjjaj7
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2010
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 10/23/2010 2:36 AM (GMT -6)   
Thank you Karen, I do agree with you I just wish I could afford it=/. Your feedback really made me feel a lot better. Thanks so much, Kemily

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42610
   Posted 10/23/2010 3:29 AM (GMT -6)   
Here is a free mental health site, well, two of them.
 
 
 
I hope that they are both working.  But they are free and many members find this helpful.
 
Hugs, Karen
 
The links are working now ~  Kitt :-)

Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 10/23/2010 7:22:20 AM (GMT-6)


livenlaugh
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 387
   Posted 10/23/2010 7:52 AM (GMT -6)   
Hello sweetie,
First, I am so proud of you for having the courage to do what you did. And with your sister, I would have done the same thing. Sometimes love is blind and it is difficult for you to see someone you love do something that could be not so good for them.
Second, I agree that you need to speak with a therapist to help you sort through things. She/he is an can listen objectively and tell you what they think. I went to one and she gave me something to think about that I wouldn't have otherwise. Print your first post here and give it to your therapist. Sometimes it is difficult to touch on everything when you are talking but your post is very articulate. Also perhaps share it with your boyfriend. That way he knows that you are trying to get help and love him deeply.
And lastly, you are a survivor. You have gone through hell and back ((hugs)) to you. Start a notebook and write what you are feeling the good and the bad...It helps get the tension and anxiety out.
Hope this helps.
Lisa

PS...I spoke with my therapist about my financial situation and she cut my cost in half..She would rather me get treatment than go without. That is a sign of a good therapist!

lskjjaj7
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2010
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 10/24/2010 10:56 PM (GMT -6)   
Livenlaugh,
Thanks a lot. Talking to him really helped. Although he doesnt know how it feels, he could understand how I get so angry sometimes. Also, I'm looking into finding an affordable therapist in my area. You guys on here are really helping me through all my feelings.

-Kemily=)

livenlaugh
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 387
   Posted 10/25/2010 5:47 AM (GMT -6)   
My husband hears me but doesn't really hear me if it makes any sense. Unless you experience it, it is difficult to understand the feelings that go with depression. Good for you for talking to your boyfriend. That took alot of courage. Please keep posting and as I said, feel free to email me.
Keep in touch,
Lisa ;)

livenlaugh
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 387
   Posted 10/25/2010 5:47 AM (GMT -6)   
My husband hears me but doesn't really hear me if it makes any sense. Unless you experience it, it is difficult to understand the feelings that go with depression. Good for you for talking to your boyfriend. That took alot of courage. Please keep posting and as I said, feel free to email me.
Keep in touch,
Lisa ;)

lskjjaj7
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2010
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 10/25/2010 6:41 PM (GMT -6)   
I'm so gald I joined this site. I completely understand what you mean by that Lisa, it feels good to let it all out, but he cant completely say he understands because it hasnt happened to him. Id love you e-mail you, your feedback makes me feel like someone else understands exactly what I'm saying, but I cant figure it out on here lol. I click on it to send one and it asks a bunch of questions I dont know what to answer. Til next time...

Keep your head up,

Kemily

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42610
   Posted 10/25/2010 8:51 PM (GMT -6)   
If you click on the member's name, it will take you to their profile and give you the email address. Just thought that I would mention.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

lskjjaj7
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2010
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 10/25/2010 9:03 PM (GMT -6)   

lol thanks karen

 


livenlaugh
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 387
   Posted 10/27/2010 1:36 PM (GMT -6)   
Look forward to hearing from you.:)

Trying to Understand
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 776
   Posted 10/27/2010 3:59 PM (GMT -6)   
Do you have any hospitalization? Can you go to a GP and see if he would prescribe something for your sadness? Free clinic?
It would be ideal if you could find a professional to talk to, you are a survivor of incest and suffered a very traumatic childhood.
You are very courageous, and keep on trying.
Too bad about your relationship with Sasha. Have you tried to reconcile? She might be in denial concerning her BF, and what you pointed out is so true she's in sort of a shock. Someday, hopefully before something bad happens, she will see the light and move on. It was so brave and kind of you to tell her the truth. That was the right thing to do.
Women who were abused as children, tend to have a difficult time with relationships later in life. Tend to "find" men/friends that are very needy, codependent, narcissists, and slowly get into the rut of being abused again.
With counselling, soul-searching, reading, maybe a support group, you will have the skills and strength to move into a happier productive life.
Am glad Sam got 42 yrs...and hope his fellow prisoners will enjoy "boxing" him around. He is a bad man. That was a hard thing for you to go thru, being at the courtroom, testifying, you are VERY STRONG.
You have a wonderful future ahead of you. Be brave.
Sandy
BP II
Severe depression
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