I am one of 6 children, I have two older sisters (same mother and father), and one brother and two sisters (same mom different dad). My mother left my biological father, and shortly after met a man I'll call Sam when I was two, at first things were just how I had always wished they could be. As I got a little older things with Sam were anything but good, he began sexually abusing me and my older sisters, often more than one each day. He was intent on proving to us that he would kill us if we told anyone, so he forced us to box him everyday. To say the least I felt like I was in hell. My mother, who knew of the physical abuse did nothing, and to this day I can not comprehend why she did not do anything, for she was hardly ever struck. After seven years of marriage she divorced him, (within those 7 years, my younger brother and sisters were born) I thought finally, maybe we can have a normal life....well that was not what would happen, she sent us to is house everyday after school, and every other weekend. And when her and I disagreed on things she would send me to live at his house, having no where to go I had to go there. The torment of being raped nearly everyday, and being so helpless is a feeling you could never know unless you were in a similar situation, so please if you have kids do WHATEVER it takes to protect them. I was 15 and after years of living back and forth with Sam and my mother, she kicked me out once again and I went to live with Sam's father and step mother, his step mother was the kind of woman where if she ever did anything for you, you owed her for the rest of your life. She was aware that I would not have a menstrual cycle for atleast 6 months at a time, so she set me up to go to a clinic and figure out what was wrong, although nervous I went. I know the woman will know, but they ask you a whole bunch of questions about
you sexual and personal health before your appointment, and when the nurse asked when I lost my virginity, I hesitated because Sam's step mother told me to lie, but I wanted to tell her so I could get the most accurate results from my appointment. When I told her I had been 5 at the time, and then I explained I could see the tears in her eyes and I almost felt ashamed. However she instructed me that she would have to report it and gave me a reason to tell Sam's step mother why I could not complete the appointment. Soon after, Sam's step mother's son (who's bipolar) tried to kill his step father and sister, so needless to say I felt scared. My older sister Sasha found out and demanded I live with her, so I did. Sasha and I have always been like Bonnie and Clyde, we have been through everything together. I moved in with her and my other older sister. Once the lease was up Sasha and myself moved in with my mom and my other sister moved in with a friend. As the nurse had said she would report it, and soon I was speaking with Child protective services and the state pressed charges, after convincing my sisters that this was the right thing to do, we should think about
our younger sisters no matter how hard it may be, they agreed and our bond was as close as ever. In June of 2009, ''Sam'' took a plea bargain, charged with 3 counts of rape, and sentenced to 42 years. On that day my family seemed unbreakable....however shortly after my mother kicked Sasha and I out and on my 17th birthday we moved into our own apartment...her working to jobs, and me going from a straight A student to a dropout and full time employee. Times were hard, but no matter how broke we were we knew as long as we had each other we would be fine. Well, that November we both found boyfriends, this being her first boyfriend ever, and my second, things started moving very fast, within 3 months we were all living together. In June her boyfriend ''Fred'' proposed, which I thought was a little soon. Then the worst came....she was asking my opinion of Fred and I told her the truth, that he was an alcoholic and I dont trust him because I had witnessed him putting his hands on her when he was drunk, I dont think she liked that because we stopped speaking....its been three months and I cant see how we went from best friends to not even talking. I dont speak to my family very often it , they dont agree that I told her the truth instead of supporting her. Now I;m 18 and living in TN with my boyfriend, and I seem happy but, I feel like I feel as though I should be happy and not that I am. I cry myself to sleep at night, and I dont know why. Nearly every week I have a sudden streak of anger in which I'll say hurtful things to my boyfriend ''Bob", I dont mean them and I dont know why even say them, when he asks why I'm mad I have no answer. I don't want to push the only person who is trying to help me, and that truely loves me. I just cant control myself, and often dont even remember it. I've tried to think of things to do to try to keep myself calm, so I keep myself busy so once I get into bed I'm so tired I cant stay awake to cry, and when I think I might be getting mad for nothing I go and be alone...but now I just feel empty. I have a boyfriend that is my world, that I honestly couldnt live without and is madly in love with me and a best friend that I can call at anytime....but why do I feel so empty?
Post Edited (lskjjaj7) : 10/21/2010 8:45:43 PM (GMT-6)