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MsMalin
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2010
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 10/24/2010 4:25 PM (GMT -6)   
I'm 27 years young, and I must say... it's been a rough life. I have been depressed for as long as I can remember. Middle school and high school were a nightmare, I was teased and called horrible names, I was shy and awkward and was made fun of for it. My parents were concered with their own financial and marriage problems so they didn't even take the time to notice what was going on with me.
 
After high school, I started community college and work part-time. I had never had money or freedom, so things were going okay for awhile. I soon became addicted to trading cars. I would trade about every 3 months, until eventually I was so upside down in a car and had such a high payment that I had to turn it in voluntarily. I now have a $15000 judgement and repo on my credit, it has ruined my credit score and the phone calls that I recieve from bill collectors are harrassing and hurtful.
 
I have never been in a relationship in my entire life. Numerous one night stands end terribly, no one ever calls me back. I came to the realization that a lot of the car trading came from being upset over missed opportunities and sexual encounters that never amounted to even a return phone call. I was trading cars to 'start fresh'- digging a hole for myself all the while.
 
In February of 2009, my financial and depression troubles reached wit's end. My mother was no help, giving generic advice. She was trying, I know, and I know she loves me and cares, but it just wasn't a help. I admitted myself to the hospital with suicidal thoughts. They kept me for a week and put me on several medications that made me hallucinate and gain weight. My insurance ended at my job because I was no longer able to afford it. Coming off of resputin and zoloft was one of the hardest things I have ever gone through, physically AND mentally.
 
Two months ago, the home I was staying in that belonged to a family member was foreclosed. Without many family members or friends who were able to help, I was forced to move in with a friend who has a severe drug problem. She is 35 years old, has 3 small children, and smokes crack cocaine daily. I clean the house, help take care of the kids, and buy groceries. She begs me on a daily basis for money and if I do not give it to her, she takes it from my wallet, or says to me that I should be 'ashamed of myself'.. I am staying in her home, so I should be giving her drug money. I have grown very close to her children and they love me dearly, I want to leave and try to find a roomate but I fear for what will happen to them.
 
I need help desperately. I want to be happy. I want to enjoy the life God has blessed me with, but I can't. I see no light at the end of the tunnel. I used to have ambition and dreams. I no longer do. I focus on the day in front of me and covering basic bills with my part time job. Someone please help me understand my options and come up with a game plan for igniting a passion for life that I've never had. My family members who are financially secure do not understand. I am drowning in debt (and it's no one's fault but my own, I can admit that I was stupid with my car trading, but I do feel that it was based on my mental state that I did such a horrible thing).. I am so tired, I get sleep but I feel drained constantly. This depression is taking EVERYTHING out of me, and I have nothing left.
 
I opened a life insurance policy a couple of years ago, have paid it on time every year. I have sat down and made a list of what would 'happen' if I was to die.. my debts would be paid off, my funeral would be paid for, and I could quietly disappear and not be a burden to myself, society or anyone else any longer. Someone, tell me what to do. I do not love myself, and I do not have the energy or resources to change that.

totesmcgrotes
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 10/24/2010 6:32 PM (GMT -6)   
I know of one very good reason why you would be loved and deserve to love yourself; you have a very caring heart, as evidenced by how you take care of those children. You are going through a very hard time right now and you are depressed and being in that depressed state of mind makes it hard to see things clearly, be optimistic and find that love for yourself. I can tell you, however, after being in the deep bellows of depression myself, that hope is a beacon of light in these dark and terrible times that can guide you to where you need to be.

Beating this is a very very slow, painful, and challenging process, but its doable. Many people have been where you are and have come out stronger and happier than before. It has helped me to have what I call 'blind optimism' and every little worry you have, simply dismiss with the idea that it will all be alright, and it will. Do whatever you can to find that hope and guide yourself home. It's a challenge and its really really rough but I know you'll get there. You also have all of us here at the forum to help you along the way.

Take care, stay strong, and keep us posted.

wearyRAsufferer
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 2504
   Posted 10/24/2010 6:40 PM (GMT -6)   
My prayers will be with you-stay strong. You have a very real and important purpose.

Trying to Understand
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 776
   Posted 10/24/2010 9:10 PM (GMT -6)   
Agree with all above advice. This will pass, tho the financial implications etc will be with you longer. Have you gotten legal advice "free" from county aide or somebody like them?

Have you seen another psychiatrist? All that switching cars/women sounds like something that should be addressed and treated. There is usually free county health.

When you think your meds aren't helping and making you fat, its time to tell the doc, go to another doc, and switch meds. There are meds on the $4 list that work well. There's just a lot of hype to sell the new expensive ones.

Well, there's something to be said for having your affairs in order in the UNLIKELY event of your passing, but since you are so young it isnt very common to do so. You sound suicidal, get the Suicide crisis line # and call them when you feel this way. They can talk you down, they don't judge you or get angry. Things will get better, it takes time.

Please, get the # and write it down and put it somewhere you can find it, like your wallet.


As for your living arrangement, you are making yourself useful, that's good. I would under no circumstances give money for drugs. Hide your cash better. She should be ashamed of "herself" for doing such a despicable thing being a mother of 3 kids. What happens if she goes to jail? If you find another roommate that would be better for you.

Keep posting, people are here for you.
Sandy
BP II
Severe depression

Respect baby steps. Most work gets done an inch at a time. Just break ground.

Some get annoyed that people are so odd; lucky folks know that's the fun part.

Trying to Understand
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 776
   Posted 10/24/2010 9:11 PM (GMT -6)   
Agree with all above advice. This will pass, tho the financial implications etc will be with you longer. Have you gotten legal advice "free" from county aide or somebody like them?

Have you seen another psychiatrist? All that switching cars/women sounds like something that should be addressed and treated. There is usually free county health.

When you think your meds aren't helping and making you fat, its time to tell the doc, go to another doc, and switch meds. There are meds on the $4 list that work well. There's just a lot of hype to sell the new expensive ones.

Well, there's something to be said for having your affairs in order in the UNLIKELY event of your passing, but since you are so young it isnt very common to do so. You sound suicidal, get the Suicide crisis line # and call them when you feel this way. They can talk you down, they don't judge you or get angry. Things will get better, it takes time.

Please, get the # and write it down and put it somewhere you can find it, like your wallet.


As for your living arrangement, you are making yourself useful, that's good. I would under no circumstances give money for drugs. Hide your cash better. She should be ashamed of "herself" for doing such a despicable thing being a mother of 3 kids. What happens if she goes to jail? If you find another roommate that would be better for you.

Keep posting, people are here for you.
Sandy
BP II
Severe depression

Respect baby steps. Most work gets done an inch at a time. Just break ground.

Some get annoyed that people are so odd; lucky folks know that's the fun part.

MsMalin
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2010
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 10/26/2010 10:23 AM (GMT -6)   
Thank you so much.. I think I am going to gain a lot from joining this board. I appreciate your prayers, and I will continue to take baby steps until I can eventually see SOME TRACE of light. Baby steps are better than no steps. Love you all, Be Blessed.

Aurora60
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1257
   Posted 10/26/2010 2:26 PM (GMT -6)   
MsMalin, Do you have a family service agency in your community where you could get some counseling? They usually have a sliding fee scale. You do sound very depressed and I think talking to a neutral person might help you and give you ideas on how you should take the right direction in your life right now. You say your family is fine financially. Can someone in your family help you out of your debt situation, such as loan you the money and then you can pay them back? Also, do you know someone who can give you some financial advice? At your age and with no dependents you most likely do not need a life insurance policy. And who is the beneficiary of this policy? Some advisors try to sell people life insurance who don't need it at all. Whoever your beneficiary is have you specifically spelled out that the money is to pay your expenses, etc.? If this person is just going to get the money then this will not help you at all and you are spending money very unecessary on premiums that will not help you at all. Do you have legal aid where you are or a law school where law students work to give free advice to people who need help? Please try to check on these things as you may find some very helpful answers. Hve you considered bankruptcy? If your credit scores are ruined this isn't going to matter and you may be absolved of this debt.
Next, I do think you should move out of the house where you are staying. Can you find a roommate to move in with or even find a place where you can just rent a room with kitchen privileges? You should not have to put up with someone who is a drug addict and steals from you. Just because this person has given you a roof over your head does not mean you should be subjected to such treatment. I know you care about the kids. And this is what I would do once you move. I would contact child support services and report all that has been going on and get these children away from this terrible situation. Children should not be subjected to life with a drug addicted mother. You will be doing them a favor. And it might force your friend to seek help for her addiction. Without help, addiction such as this worsens and can lead to a terrible outcome.
Do you have a health clinic where you can go and see a dr. and find out if you can get on an anti-depressant med? Maybe the zoloft wasn't good for you but there are many meds that do help. Maybe a therapist can find a dr. who will prescribe you an a/d med if you feel you need it.
Right now I know you feel very alone and see no future. But you have to remember that God loves you and is always by your side every day. I am not trying to be preachy. Faith goes a long way in helping us out of our problems. You say you see no light at the end of the tunnel. It is there. You need to make a new start to help yourself and slowly that light will start to appear.
Last year at this time I saw no hope, was just out of the hospital after major surgery and was just thankful to be alive. I took time to heal and then I set about changing the things in my life I could. Slowly things have turned around for me and I have made a new and good life for myself. No one showed up at my door and said come on, i'll help you. I went out and found what I needed to do to start feeling good about myself and I have had good success. You will too. Just take baby steps. You can't accomplish this all in a day. But I promise you will change your life if you start to do one small thing at a time. I know this is going to be very hard but the hardest part is taking that first step towards change. Please keep posting here on the forum. There are many caring people who are willing to give you support. Try to take good care of you.
 
Gentle hugs,
 
Aurora

maxoman
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2010
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 10/26/2010 7:55 PM (GMT -6)   
Just hold on to the thought , that God placed everyone where they need to be. You are here and so r we. Remember baby steps, you will stumble, but u will survive. I have dealt with depression/anxiety for 20 yrs or more. I know where u r and I know where u want to be. I started out under the bed covers and now I have been working strong for about 8 yrs. No one will understand what u r going thru , unless they have been thru it. I still have problems every now and then, so don't think, I feel good, I'm done. This is a lifelong battle and we r here for u. I'll add you to my prayer list, but u must also pray, have faith of a mustard seed and believe. I fight this fight everyday. So don't give up.

MsMalin
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2010
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 10/29/2010 2:00 PM (GMT -6)   
Aurora, and others, thank you for the support and suggestions. There is a mental health facility in my city that offers psychiatric and medical help on a sliding scale, but sitting in the lobby for 3+ hours and hearing others sob stories brought me no relief. I have the life insurance policy just 'in case' anything happens to me. It is not very expensive and I have detailed notes on what to do with the money in the event of my passing. Who knows if it will be done, but I at least have it set up to where I actually WANT my debts paid off after I am gone. I do not like being in debt, some have the attitude 'Who cares? You can't bleed a turnip, if you don't have the money then there is nothing they can do.' But I feel like it is MY fault that I traded cars in my depressed state, I want my debts gone and I want for my bill collectors to recieve what they are owed, I am the one who signed for the car, I should've held up my end of the bargain, no matter what my mental state.
 
I must admit that I opened the insurance policy in the event of my planning to commit suicide. I have had the thoughts often, have not acted on them, want help desperately, and don't know if I could ever even go through with it... what I do know is that it scares me that I opened the policy for this very reason.

Trying to Understand
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 776
   Posted 10/30/2010 11:56 AM (GMT -6)   
Just FYI, most life insurance doesn't pay on suicide, they know that one.
It would be a shame to be paying premiums only to have it be a complete waste of time if you took things into your own hands.
I tried to get life insurance, but since I have Bipolar, they refused me. Yeah, straight out, State Farm, whom I have been dealing with for 30 years.
The cheap policies you see advertised usually are for accidental death, many loopholes.

Regarding the long wait at the clinic, been there, it really is a bummer when everybody relates their "story". People gravitate to me like I'm some sort of magnet. So, if possible, don't look so open, avoid eye contact, where headphones even if they aren't on. Say excuse me, not in a frame of mind to hear this. Change seats. You aren't there to make friends.

Feel strongly that you will benefit from this clinic. Take a deep breath and bite the bullet. Take something to read. Journal. Listen to music. MAKE the time pass. Hopefully subsequent visits will be scheduled in a more timely fashion.

Have you contacted Social Services in your area?

Thinking about and hoping for the BEST !

Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2317
   Posted 10/30/2010 4:02 PM (GMT -6)   
M-
I see you've been given a lot of great advice. Aurora is right that it is important to try to find a counselor who works on a sliding scale. In addition to clinics, sometimes private therapists will work on a sliding scale basis. You just need to call around.
And Sandy is right. I used to work in insurance and there is absolutely no one who will pay out if you take your own life. Many insurers won't even cover someone with depression but in any case there will be no pay out if you are responsible for your own death -- in fact, a lot of policies won't even pay out if you fail to take reasonable preventative actions to keep an illness from becoming fatal. So put that thought out of your head b/c it will not benefit anyone.

Have you talked with a bankruptcy attorney? I am in the process now & while it is quite unpleasant it is not nearly as awful as I expected. During my required pre-filing classes I learned that I can actually get my credit back on track faster by declaring bankruptcy than by continuing to try to pay what I can. And as soon as you file -- whether it's Chapter 7 liquidation or Chapter 13 reorganization, they MUST stop calling you by law. Learning to deal with stress is important, but sometimes we need to work to try to eliminate some stress as well. Bankruptcy might be a way to do that. Consultations are usually free (call & ask). You can find court-approved attorneys from your local bankruptcy court. Here's a link to the US Bankruptcy Courts website: www.uscourts.gov/FederalCourts/Bankruptcy.aspx.

I agree with the others that you need to get out of the drug addict's home. That is going to become an increasingly unsafe place for you. She will steal more & more money and become increasingly violent as she needs more drugs and can't get her hands on enough money to buy them. Call Child Protective Services & file a report. They take claims filed by an adult living in the same home quite seriously & are very likely to investigate (no guarantees, but you're the children's best bet). You can also contact your local city representative (councilman or alderman) for help getting the police involved with a drug investigation. I am helping a friend of mine right now get help with her crack addiction & the one thing I hear over and over at CA meetings is that most of them were only clean b/c they went to prison & had to get clean. They tried everything else but prison was when they finally hit rock bottom. So you might consider involving the police as well so that she can get clean & have some time to really think about the changes she needs to make to her life.
There really isn't anywhere that you can hide your money in the house where she won't find it. Addicts are very persistent & she will find it no matter how well you hide it. The only place where you will be safe is another home. The only place where the children will be safe until their mother gets clean is in another home (if you think the dealers won't use the children to try to shake down their mother for money, you're wrong). And the only place your friend will be safe is in rehab or jail. It's taken me a long time to realize that but it is true.

I do know what it's like to feel totally overwhelmed by things. I am in 2 lawsuits right now, losing my home, looking for work, no decent insurance, can't get insurance b/c one doctor one time said that there were 4 reasons why I might not be sleeping & one of them was diabetes -- I couldn't afford the test at the time, so now I'm ineligible until I can prove I don't have it; even though I can sleep fine now. So when I run out of the medication I currently have, it will be tough. But I did find out that some manufacturers will provide up to 12 months worth of free medication to patients without insurance so I can get some of what I need that way. Maybe that would be an option for you. My counselor (who works on a sliding scale) has been really helpful at helping me identify resources so I really think that could be a good start to help you get things in order.

And then it's just a heck of a lot of work. Right now I am fighting an uphill battle but there are days where I can see that I am making progress. I have a financial plan now & am better at asking for help when I can't pay for necessities. No more groceries on the credit card. I go to food pantries now. If I can't afford the doctor, I either wait, try to self-treat, or go to the cheap clinic. People can be depressing there so I bring some headphones (I got a USB drive with headphones that plays music from Target for $10. Best money I've ever spent :).

There are some cheap options usually on Craig's List (be sure to very, very carefully screen potential roommies). I've found postings for 2BR/2BA shared among 4 people & the rent was $175/month in my area. Usually areas around community colleges seem to be cheapest b/c people don't have much money but want to have some independence from their family. If you can't even afford that, you could see if Housing and Urban Development (HUD) is accepting applications in your area for subsidized housing. In some areas, the waiting list is so long they aren't accepting new applicants but it's worth checking into. Otherwise, maybe try contacting a local church or synagogue or Salvation Army or Red Cross to see if they can help you out with housing, or can refer you to someone who can. Many areas do have agencies that will help people out with housing if they agree to go to classes to learn money management & tips to get back on their feet (which tend to be helpful anyways). Typically they will help out for 6-18 months.

Go to food pantries for most of your food to free up that money for rent. Try to see if you can pick up an extra job, or extra hours, now that we're headed into the holiday season. There are a lot of temporary jobs that might help you get enough money together to file bankruptcy, pay down debt, set up a savings account, or whatever your primary financial goal might be right now.

Things do get better, though. I have to keep telling myself that. It is so easy to get depressed about things & to believe that they will never get better, but things can improve. After 2 years of sickness & misery & financial ruin, I am finally nearing the end of the miserable part and then can move on to the good part of life. I am getting out of a home I've hated anyways, have paid down enough of my debt that I feel like I CAN do this, have gotten well enough to do more physical jobs, set up a budget, and now have a plan to get back into teaching (which I miss) and to take some graduate classes that will qualify me for better pay & more job opportunities.
I need to start by volunteering in a friend's classroom & then she has said she will serve as a reference for me to get substitute teaching jobs. Once I get sub jobs, it will be easier to convince schools to offer me a permanent position, which will be very possible by next school year. I am applying for small scholarships to cover the cost of the 6 classes & have also applied for holiday jobs at retail stores to help cover the cost of books.

So it is do-able. It just takes a lot of energy & effort. More than we have on our own usually. Counselors, friends, people from church or civic groups we belong to, and charities are there for times like this. To make sure that good people like you can get help in the short-term & be able to do great things with your life in the long-term.

Hang in there!!!
frances
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