Posted 10/28/2010 5:32 PM (GMT -6)
Hey everyone. I haven't posted in awhile for a variety of reasons. To recap, had a severe depressive episode last summer which put my marriage on the rocks and another earlier this spring which pretty much sealed the deal. Not to say depression is the reason for the divorce, the way my soon to be ex wife handled it was, for me anyway. I learned a lot about her that i wish I'd have never had to learn. We're coming up on our court date or hearing or whatever and I'm starting to feel crappy. I don't know if it's necessarily another episode or not. I have been journaling, not frequently enough, but that does help. Last week we had a long conversation and everything went well. We spoke about how each of us viewed what happened in our relationship and stuff like that. The REALLY hard part is that when I filed for divorce, she made it very clear that I would not have any relationship whatsoever with my step-daughter. That absolutely crushed me. I know there are very good reasons why that might not necessarily be a good idea, but in my opinion it would without a doubt work. I know i can have a positive relationship with my ex, and considering all the little girl has been through, I think it would be best for her. I think it was in March her biological dad died. Anyway, I thought I wouldnt be able to have any sort of relationship with her and my wife wouldnt even tell me how her preschool was going, what types of activities shes into, how shes adjusting, anything of the sort. So i learned that in order to move on in the best way without going crazy, I had to let her go. Then this past conversation happened and now there's a possibility that we can reignite some form of relationship. I know I shouldnt try and be her dad or whatever. But i know i would be a positive male role model and I couldnt love her more. It just really caught me off guard and dont know how to deal with it. I'm afraid if i dont figure something out I might slip back into a bad episode and want to avoid that at all costs. Speaking to my therapist at my last appt. she gave me the really good idea that i could write a letter to her for when she's older. That i think helped me move on knowing that i could do that. Simple as it may be. But now I'm stuck in between. Not knowing is so incredibly difficult. Then pile on top of that the fact that although i know our marriage was a crappy one, i still might want to try and work it out. Thats just a small idea, but i wish it werent there at all. I know it wouldnt work out and i know she doesnt love me. Thats the thing, I still love her with all my heart. We just have completely different outlooks on what love is, and how to deal with relationship problems. She was raised in almost an identical way as my step daughter has so far. Her mom got pregnant young, left the bio dad immediately, got married, got divorced and remarried. My wife hasnt yet remarried as its only been 3 months since i initially filed for divorce, but i imagine she will. During my last episode of depression, she decided it would be a good idea to take a role in a play after work and school. It was initially three nights a week a couple hours a night. By the 2nd week in, she was gone from the moment i got home from work to watch our daughter to whenever she felt like coming home, 3am, 4am, 5am sometimes. I told her that was completely unacceptable and she only got mad at ME. So i asked her on the nights i had therapy (once a week) if she could take our daughter to her moms house, as i could not bring a 4 year old to therapy with me. That was completely overblown on her part and i soon found myself begging for them to come back once a week. Then it was as if we werent married at all. I learned she was going to strip clubs with single men after her play rehearsal, bar nights, going to guys houses to "play guitar". This all went on for about 2 months with her not staying at home pretending to be a single 18 year old, all the while I'm having panic attacks at home while shes not answering her phone at 4am. So i filed for divorce. And for whatever reason, love i guess, im having doubts about it. Maybe doubt is the wrong word, just a lot of what ifs. I dont like the what ifs. And they are starting to wear me down.