I dont know how to explain how i feel but i am gonna try. i am about
to snap or i feel like it. i get treated like crap at work. if you dont mind im gonna tell you some so you know what i mean. my co manager will yell at me and tell me i need to hold it if i go to the bathroom, has told me i need to get my body on a schedule and has even started using a stopwatch to see how long i take(its rediculous. im sorry i take about
a minute if i have to pee and that is to pee, wipe, and wash hands and maybe five minutes if i have to do the other)im sorry my bathroom habits are not his buisness. on saturday we had a lot of chicken come up and i said wow thats a lot of chicken and my general manager just looks at me and says "excuse me we have been doing so so amount hours so you are gonna need that ****ing chicken." im sorry that was just uncalled for for that one statement. i called off once because of a uti and i am now being told i am not a teamplayer and they keep comparing me and another manager who had one and still worked. well im not her, i am not going to work if i cant stay off of the toilet for more than five seconds. on sunday a friend texted my husband at 730 am a joke. well it woke me up and seeing that i closed and didnt get to bed to 3 am it was not a good thing and the fact hubby has sleep apnea doesnt help and if he wakes up he cant sleep and he doesnt sleep well to begin with. so that put hubby in a bad mood and we ended up arguing back and forth alot. so later in the day i texted her and explained to her nicely that i would appreciate if she didnt text until after 9 especially if its on hubbys phone because when i close he keeps the phone in t he room just in case of emergency. keep in mind this is the second time that i have told her this. so this morning i woke up to a message on facebook that she is deleting me and hubby as friends as she will not take being *****ed at like a child. what the heck i didnt do anything nor say anything wrong. 730 am is way to early to be texting. so i sent her a message stating that i didnt feel that my message warrented losing our friendship over as i said it nicely yet she continues to say that i was *****ing and that its no wonder i dont have friends the way i talk down to them. i dont i was being n ice about
it. then she said that i talk about
sex way to much, well when we did talk about
it it was her bringing it up.
so i basically lost a friend over something stupid. im so tired of trying and failing. im tired of caring. i hate my job anymore and i cant focus on it as it is a big stress causer, im starting to hate my life and myself. the only good thing is my kid and hubby. i put on this brave face and smile but inside i feel as if i am dying inside. i think i am slightly bipolar as i cant focus easily, i yell when i shouldnt, i have mood swings where im happy one minute and sad and angry the next, i cant control my moods easily. i do good for awhile but the slightest stress brings them back, and i have a high sex drive(note i dont talk about it to friends). i dont have impulse control i am good at that i just cant control my moods. i do have a good friend but i dont have alot and i dont get out alot. i basically work, come home, cook dinner and go to bed and clean on my day off, help with homework and then i do it again. i dont get to go out with my friend because she is breastfeeding and cant leave for more than 3 hours because of that. i do go out everyonce in awhile with hubby but that is it.
i just sometimes wish i could just disappear and sometimes i think that everyone would be better off for it. i need a journal to write down my feelings but if hubby sees them then he wouldnt understand. im crying inside how do i stop?