hi chucky, i am jamie, male and 38 years of age.
i can see that you have been given a lot of support by
siobhan and karen. both wonderful people.
chucky, you resemble some of what i went through between the ages of 12-17. me, was physically abused by a brut of a man at his lesuire, and he used various nasty methods as well.
i can't say exactly, per forum rules, but i thiink you know what i am talking about. i am also a survivor of sexual abuse as well. i also coped humilation, psychological torment and was made to do any chore or whim he required.
we are all different chucky, as you are from me, similar circumstances though. the reason i am posting is to help you, help you. i want to try to aide in understanding your pain. okay without any bs, i don't want you going down the path i went, and i see from reading your posts that this pain has manifested strongly.
okay, man do i regret refusing help, but i know that at this age you are this is very darn hard. i fully get that. i did the same. so me, been depressed and unwell since my first dx at age 15. i dealt with it in destructing ways, and yes via the same methods you are doing as well. this is a massive indicator that this manifested pain is very deep........and that you need prompt help. it is only, really in the last 8 yrs that i have soughted stuff out. this pain effects and affects you, affect meaning behaviour, geez chucky if i could turn back that darn clock!!!!!!!!!!
chucky i was both affected and effected massively, with jobs, education, housing and getting myself into very bad coping mechnisms, i DO NOT want this for you!!!!
i have had 28 very lengthy psychiatric admissions, also i was case-managed and watched by my local mental health team, i lost my family for 3 years straight, they couldn't cope with anger, rage and self destruction. i lost my spot at uni, i had to quit work, i am now on a disability pension, and haven't worked in ten yrs. relationships turned ugly, dear friends left me, i was homelesss for nearly 3 yrs.
i went into a psycho-social inpatient program in 04. 6months, due to being dx with severe borderline personality disorder. when i got out, a few months later i lost the plot, no support, wasn't eating drinking, sleeping, thus i was hospitalised and had six treatments of ECT. i am on meds, would be lost and or gone without them. actually ECT saved my life. i have spent a long time in psych hospitals, darn long time, but chucky, be brave, you have been brave coming here. if you need anti-deps then you neeed them. if you need treatment, therapy then accept it, i wish i had the balls back then, but i was stupid, i was racked with fear. seeking assistance reduces the fear and in-time the fear disipates. my pain i know and what i went thru would have reduced my pain, thus my stop sign would have come sooner, sadly, it just alludes. albeit i never give in nor surrender!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i don't want to see your life story at 38, that reads like mine.
pls....keep talking with us, pls find someone who will listen, pls know that with early help your painfull road will have a stop sign a lot sooner. if i can be of help, i am always around. the other thing-i am not trying to scare you or anything, actually it is the other way round. you are a precious human being with gifts and talents unique to you. i alike you and everyone on this planet a work in progress. sometimes the smallest of steps turn out to be the largest.
i send you my compassion. jamie.
all the best.
BI-POLAR-1, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.