I don't know if I'm allowed to say, but I could be going through withdrawl from Dilaudid. Sorry. I should have said that upfront. It's 10x more powerful than Morphine, and they gave it to me even before I was in the hospital. Since I've been confusing, here's a sort-of breakdown of what's been going on:
Beginning of September: Quit graduate school for various reasons, but was really depressed. Didn't want to admit this to parents, family, 'friends', etc. so felt really lost, confused, blah.
September 25-September 30: Admitted to the hospital for suspected ulcerative colitis/Crohn's disease (they still haven't figured it out).
Two more trips to the emergency room (I can't remember the dates) for same reason ˆ
Had Dilaudid on hand and took it when my pain was really bad.
October 30: Prescribed more Dilaudid, but told to return to the ER if I was still in pain.
October 31-November 2: Admitted to the hospital again for horrible stomach (well, intestinal I guess) pain.
While in the hospital I was asked what recreational drugs I was taking, because it would determine how much Dilaudid they gave me. One night they gave me Dilaudid, Adavan (sp?), and Ambien and I still couldn't sleep. At 2 a.m. they gave me more Dilaudid and another Ambien and I finally fell asleep. The next day I slept all day. I don't remember a lot of my hospital stay, and feel so scared that it didn't scare me more. If that makes any sense. For those of you who don't know, my dream is to move to far-away city (I figured I probably couldn't write the name, so I'll keep it anonymous).
I just realized that there really is no deadline for knowing that I'm going to feel better and this dream might be put on hold indefinitely. That is so not fair! If I wasn't depressed, I could do whatever I wanted. Anyway, I digress. You asked me about the drugs. My dad is a judge, and has told me so many times about being addicted to drugs (even if they are prescribed). I haven't wanted to tell him how I'm feeling, because he subscribes to the 'pull yourself up by the bootstraps' mentality and believes on some level (though he denies it now) that I can wake up and choose to be happy.
Dilaudid is 10x more powerful than Morphine. Morphine made me sick when they gave it to me in the ER, so they started giving me Dilaudid. When my grandpa died about ten years ago (God, has it been that long?!), I think (he lived 2,500 miles away in Seattle) I remember hearing that they gave him Morphine to make him comfortable. Was I really put on a drug that's 10x more powerful than a death drug?! Horrible. Now I just feel so freakin' depressed and guilty. And I'm sorry, Karen. I'm really sorry. I know it's illogical to guilt-trip, but I can't help it. I can't help thinking about all the things I *should* be doing. What I'm not doing. How my horrible feelings affect me and those around me. Blah. Sorry.
"I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better."
Clonazepam .5mg 4x/day (anxiety), EMSAM patches 6mg/day (depression)