Withdrawl or ...?

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BlueMoon878
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 243
   Posted 11/4/2010 8:39 AM (GMT -6)   
Maybe this is a stupid post, but recently I feel like I can't get anything done. It's not that I don't want to - I just can't. I was hospitalized for a few days (I got out on Tuesday), because of a gastro-intestinal thing. Now I just feel crazy, because when the CT scan came back they said they couldn't see anything 'remarkable'. The nurse explained that I might be imagining the headaches I was getting. I started seeing things that weren't there. She asked me what recreational drugs I was on. Had I been drinking? It mattered because the answer determined my dosage of IV pain meds. Two days after getting out of the hospital, I am in the worst depression of my life. I can't sleep (or I sleep too much), and I have stopped caring about food. I'm really hungry, but I can't make the effort to put anything together to eat so I give up. I feel like such a burden, but at the same time feel too guilty to discuss this with anyone. Before you ask, yes, I made an appointment with a psychiatrist, but it's not until December 6 (I made it two weeks ago, and that's how far out he was scheduling, even though I'm not a new patient). I keep reading the symptoms of depression, because it reads like my diary - "lack of or too much sleep, change in weight and/or appetite" - it's creepy. I don't feel motivated to do anything, either. I know I should be looking for a job/to go back to school, but I can't make myself. I don't enjoy sitting in bed all day and not contributing to anything, but I just feel so awful. It's never been this bad before and I am starting to scare myself.

BlueMoon878
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 243
   Posted 11/4/2010 9:04 AM (GMT -6)   
Normally I would think that going to the hospital would be a good answer - I can't help myself and I need someone who can. But my faith in them is gone. I've been there five times in the last month, admitted twice, and I don't feel any better. They said I definitely had some stomach thing, they just don't know what. I can't help feeling like being depressed makes this worse. I get to the hospital and they ask me if I'm on drugs because of the way that I'm acting? That's not good. All my worst fears are confirmed. I'm crazy depressed, and there's no reason things should get better than this. No one cares whether or not I get better, so why should I? Everyone else's lives can go on without me, so why would it matter?
"I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better."

Clonazepam .5mg 4x/day (anxiety), EMSAM patches 6mg/day (depression)

BlueMoon878
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 243
   Posted 11/4/2010 9:35 AM (GMT -6)   
I just want to be somewhere where I'm not going to want to hurt myself, where someone will just hug me and tell me I don't need to be in a padded cell. I just want to feel better...
"I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better."

Clonazepam .5mg 4x/day (anxiety), EMSAM patches 6mg/day (depression)

Taygeta
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2010
Total Posts : 164
   Posted 11/4/2010 1:02 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi BlueMoon,
 
I'm sorry to hear it is so hard for you now.
 
I have those same feelings - no one really cares if I get better or not.  Dealing with the "system" whether it is medical or social does not make me feel any more wanted.  It doesn't make me feel any better about actually getting some real help.
 
For all it is worth - I care about you - and I'm not giving you a load of anything there - reading about your feelings and hurt makes me care a whole heck of a lot about you because you shouldn't have to go through what you are going through.  I don't think you should be in a padded cell.  And I do want you to feel better.  And if I could, I would give you that hug you need, one that reassures you someone else does care about YOU.
 
I wish I could offer more than just my words, but being those are things I want to have in my life - I know how much it hurts you not to have them.  So we are exactly on the same wavelength there.
 
Your friend,
 
Scythia

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42432
   Posted 11/4/2010 1:32 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Bluemoon,

I am sorry that you are feeling so bad. A lot of us are having difficulties because of the change of seasons. The weather is getting crappy and cold and the daylight becomes less. It really effects us. Talk to the doc about vitamin D3. It is something we all need this time of year.

I use to think about others not caring about me. I don't think that is the case. I think others are struggling too and they have their own problems. So we have to try extra hard to care about ourselves and help ourselves.

I am glad that you have an appointment set up. I am sorry that it is so far off though. Call the office and let them know that if they have a cancelation that you would be more than happy to come in. I think that might get you in sooner. It is hard to wait so long. But the time does go by fast, so it will be here before you know it. It is just the waiting period in the meantime.

Be good to yourself. Treat yourself to a nice relaxing bath with some music and candles. And please accept (((((HUGS))))) from all of us. I know it is only words on a screen, but the thought is there.
 
I forgot, your title had something to do with "withdrawal", what medication are you on for depression that you are withdrawing from???

Take care hon. Keep posting.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

BlueMoon878
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 243
   Posted 11/4/2010 1:49 PM (GMT -6)   
Scythia - it's really good to know that someone else is on the same 'wavelength', though I would never wish these feelings on anyone.

Karen - I can't even keep a thought in my head. Yes, withdrawl. I was in the hospital for something gastro-intestinal. I started feeling nuts, because I felt better but I still told the nurses I wanted painkillers. For a few days I was on pretty heavy-duty narcotics. Now I'm at home, alone, jobless, school-less, bored and feeling so guilty.

I have wasted so much money on going to school, feeling better, and trying to better myself - and I have never felt worse. I have even stopped eating as much because I feel like I'm a waste of money. My parents are enabling me saying 'oh you just got out of the hospital, you're probably just going through withdrawl from the scary narcotics', while I know that really it's just because I want an excuse to feel depressed. I don't know. I told the doctor's office that I would take any earlier appointment if there was a cancellation, but they didn't sound very hopeful that that would happen.

I feel hopeless. I am so entitled and spoiled! I don't deserve help. If I can't help myself, I don't deserve it. Other people have their own problems and don't need mine added to their list of worries. Especially my mom. Her mom just died, and I feel so guilty burdening her with my problems. I have everything I could ever want - how can I still feel like it's OK to live with my parents and not have a job? I don't, really. I went through school and now I'm too afraid to leave my house. Or rather, my parents' house. I'm so screwed.
"I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better."

Clonazepam .5mg 4x/day (anxiety), EMSAM patches 6mg/day (depression)

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42432
   Posted 11/4/2010 3:51 PM (GMT -6)   
You are laying a pretty heavy guilt trip on yourself right now. You are just as entitled to your happiness as anybody else is. Do you go to any type of therapy? It might be good to start. The pdoc will probably recommend it if you aren't. I hope that we can help you hang on until December 6th. Stick with us if you can and we will try to help you. You have accomplished much more than a lot of people. Give yourself some credit. Times are hard, you will get on the right path, but it just takes time. Give yourself a break and don't be so hard on yourself. You are worthy of a lot my friend.

Hugs, Karen
 
PS Even taking narcotics for a short period of time is hard to get off of, it makes you feel really tired.  So part of it could be that.  Even if you didn't take them for that long of a time.  So hopefully it will get better soon.
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Trying to Understand
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 776
   Posted 11/4/2010 4:21 PM (GMT -6)   
Blue-
A sad and confusing story. Of course you deserve to have everything you have, and stop asking yourself why you are so lucky, and answering that you aren't deserving. Put that to rest.
When you were hospitalized what were you in there for, psychiatric or physical? Is something up with the EMSAM patch? What kind of withdrawal is it? from what?
This sounds like an emergency, and you should call the doc office and tell them something is wrong, and that you need an emergency appt. And don't argue yourself out of the call. They usually have time set aside for such things. They'll get paid for it.
Sandy
BP II
Severe depression

Taygeta
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2010
Total Posts : 164
   Posted 11/4/2010 6:01 PM (GMT -6)   
BlueMoon,
 
Sandy's right.  Karen's right.
 
Whether you think so or not, you do deserve help, and I hope you can entrust yourself in their wisdom.
 
You are burdening yourself with layer upon layer of guilt, and none of it is justified.
 
 

BlueMoon878
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 243
   Posted 11/5/2010 8:13 AM (GMT -6)   
Sorry for being confusing. I can't figure out how to change my profile, so I haven't updated that I'm not drugs. I went off the EMSAM a couple weeks ago because I had been on it for four months and I felt worse. Plus I had really fun red patches all over me from where I had put them. The same doc that prescribed the EMSAM was only doing that: prescribing. I wasn't talking to you, and she wasn't helping. She gave me 10 Klonopin (which are now gone) two weeks ago. I haven't seen her since because she's not covered by my insurance and she was put out that I had made an appointment with a psychiatrist. I think she might have thought that I was changing doctors so that I could get more pills, or that I had some other nefarious motives. What is ironic is that she was trying to convince me to stay on drugs, in fact, to take more of them! I know things are bad, but I reeeally don't think that upping the EMSAM was the right choice. If it's not working at 6mg, why take more? I don't know. I am feeling pretty awful. I feel abandoned and ignored by docs, but maybe it's my fault and I'm chasing them away?
"I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better."

Clonazepam .5mg 4x/day (anxiety), EMSAM patches 6mg/day (depression)

BlueMoon878
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 243
   Posted 11/5/2010 9:00 AM (GMT -6)   
I don't know if I'm allowed to say, but I could be going through withdrawl from Dilaudid. Sorry. I should have said that upfront. It's 10x more powerful than Morphine, and they gave it to me even before I was in the hospital. Since I've been confusing, here's a sort-of breakdown of what's been going on:

Beginning of September: Quit graduate school for various reasons, but was really depressed. Didn't want to admit this to parents, family, 'friends', etc. so felt really lost, confused, blah.

September 25-September 30: Admitted to the hospital for suspected ulcerative colitis/Crohn's disease (they still haven't figured it out).

Two more trips to the emergency room (I can't remember the dates) for same reason ˆ

Had Dilaudid on hand and took it when my pain was really bad.

October 30: Prescribed more Dilaudid, but told to return to the ER if I was still in pain.

October 31-November 2: Admitted to the hospital again for horrible stomach (well, intestinal I guess) pain.

While in the hospital I was asked what recreational drugs I was taking, because it would determine how much Dilaudid they gave me. One night they gave me Dilaudid, Adavan (sp?), and Ambien and I still couldn't sleep. At 2 a.m. they gave me more Dilaudid and another Ambien and I finally fell asleep. The next day I slept all day. I don't remember a lot of my hospital stay, and feel so scared that it didn't scare me more. If that makes any sense. For those of you who don't know, my dream is to move to far-away city (I figured I probably couldn't write the name, so I'll keep it anonymous).

I just realized that there really is no deadline for knowing that I'm going to feel better and this dream might be put on hold indefinitely. That is so not fair! If I wasn't depressed, I could do whatever I wanted. Anyway, I digress. You asked me about the drugs. My dad is a judge, and has told me so many times about being addicted to drugs (even if they are prescribed). I haven't wanted to tell him how I'm feeling, because he subscribes to the 'pull yourself up by the bootstraps' mentality and believes on some level (though he denies it now) that I can wake up and choose to be happy.

Dilaudid is 10x more powerful than Morphine. Morphine made me sick when they gave it to me in the ER, so they started giving me Dilaudid. When my grandpa died about ten years ago (God, has it been that long?!), I think (he lived 2,500 miles away in Seattle) I remember hearing that they gave him Morphine to make him comfortable. Was I really put on a drug that's 10x more powerful than a death drug?! Horrible. Now I just feel so freakin' depressed and guilty. And I'm sorry, Karen. I'm really sorry. I know it's illogical to guilt-trip, but I can't help it. I can't help thinking about all the things I *should* be doing. What I'm not doing. How my horrible feelings affect me and those around me. Blah. Sorry.
"I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better."

Clonazepam .5mg 4x/day (anxiety), EMSAM patches 6mg/day (depression)

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42432
   Posted 11/5/2010 9:20 AM (GMT -6)   
Yes, dilaudid is one of the strongest narcotics. But you were prescribed it because you needed it. They wouldn't mess around with a medication like that. You must of really had some severe pain. I am sure that there is nothing wrong with taking this drug when needed. My first husband was prescribed that when he was dieing of lung cancer. Don't feel guilty. You have done nothing wrong.

I believe to change your profile, you go to profile, then to edit. I am not sure would have to do it to remember. But it is pretty easy, you will figure it out. I think the profile is at the top of the page in the blue bar.

I hope that you feel better soon. Don't be so hard on yourself. You are a good person.

Hugs Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

BlueMoon878
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 243
   Posted 11/5/2010 9:58 AM (GMT -6)   
Karen,

I am sorry you have experienced such a loss. I am not dying, and haven't died, and thus feel that being prescribed such a scary, strong narcotic wasn't the right answer. I was in an incredible amount of pain in my mind, but pain is *so* subjective. What right do I have to complain if I can't be sure that the pain I was experiencing was what other people go through every day and just deal with?
"I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better."

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42432
   Posted 11/5/2010 1:35 PM (GMT -6)   
How do you know that your pain wasn't as bad? I don't think the doctor would of prescribed it unless it was necessary. You are continueing to punish yourself and question your own self worth. You sound like such a wonderful person. I really do believe that counseling will get you through this. You need to learn you are worthy. You are...

There is a book called The New Mood Therapy by Doctor David Burns. I think it would really help you. If you can't go to counseling, you might want to get that book. You can get it on Amazon used and in very good condition at a minimal price. I believe that it is Amazon. I had it many (many, many) years ago and lost it and bought it again about a year ago for about six bucks. It is a very good book. I feel that your self esteem is low my friend, and I think that this book would really help you.

Give yourself a pat on the back. Know that you are valued here. I think that this is going to pass, but having some support really helps a person. Take advantage of this site and find that you are cared about here.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies
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