I need some cheering up in a big way.
I know I need to be on some kind of medication for my depression but my bad experience with Cymbalta is keeping me from even making an attempt. I've looked over the medications available, and the side effects for all of them are the same things that forced me to quit Cymbalta. I'm ultra-sensitive to certain types of meds - any that have to do with brain function it appears are at the top of that list. That I read tiredness, lightheadedness, and nausea with just about all the ADs does not give me any inclination to go through what I went through before.
I mentioned in another post that Cymbalta dropped my BP to ridiculous lows, and ever since Cymbalta, my BP has not bounced back to what it was before Cymbalta. I don't know if that is due to Cymbalta or something else physical with me, but I only know what the monitor reads. Even today it's not uncommon for my BP to be under 100, and that never happened before I went on Cymbalta - I was always a 115-120. Every dr. visit I have, I always hear "wow" great BP, and it makes me cringe. Not that I want high BP, but it isn't like I've done anything in my lifestyle to have such a low BP.
Because of the BP drop with Cymbalta, I never got over the tiredness and lightheadness - in fact, those symptoms worsened over time. Even today, if I get up to fast from a sitting position - I see stars. That was a rare event before the AD.
So my anxiety will not allow me to even try another med, even call the doctor now to ask about another med, and I feel I am doomed to fight this disease without any medical intervention, and I don't know how much strength I have left to do that. Other than HW, I have no friends to talk to about these things - not even one, and though my therapist is great, I see her too rarely to keep me going.
Time is not on my side.
I can't find work, and if I can't bring in some money, my therapist visits are going to be even farther apart. The interview I wrote about a couple weeks ago - it went really well, except they needed one thing I couldn't provide - the software development experience. I can't get a break for anything when it comes to work - I don't know why, I just can't get a break to fall my way. So now I'm sending out the resumes again, putting in applications, but I don't hear anything back from anyone even when I call. For them, time is not an issue - for me, my time is running out, and my desperation is beginning to show in everything. I can't even get a job that pays less but will pay some of the bills because as soon as they find out the amount of experience I have, and that I have a Masters Degree in science, they immediately exclude me from the job. I can't even get the people at the county's jobs center to call me back about helping me figure out some way to approach jobs when I'm overqualified. To say that I am frustrated is an understatement. When I look at all of these obstacles - I feel doomed, utterly doomed.
As for the pain clinic visit I had last week, after going to a chat here on HW sponsored by the chronic pain group, I think the clinic isn't taking me seriously at all. I got a TENs unit, and they didn't even tell me how to use it. Not how long, not how often, not even what settings would work best. I'm now going to PT as well. And still, I take ibuprofen daily because the clinic didn't even offer any alternative, despite my telling them how many I take a day and for how long I've been doing it. The PT and TENs, yes, I can see how they can help, but they aren't going to help but over a long period of time. My muscles from my neck to my right shoulder are completely screwed up - the PT tells me - in fact, they are shortened, weak, and pulling my right shoulder blade away from its normal position because of the shortening. I have a 2nd visit with the pain clinic, and they tell me I'm getting a trigger point injection or injections. Dani - of chronic pain, was not pleased when I told her all of these things. She advised going to another clinic, but time is not on my side there either, and I don't want to start the process all over again, and I don't have the money to pay for the extra dr visit and another consultation. It took me a month to get into this clinc.
On top of all this, my wife has never truly understood my depression. To this day, we will argue about my depression, and she treats it as if it isn't a disease, that somehow I should just bounce out of it because I need to bounce out of it - i.e. I'm lazy and unmotivated. And when we argue, it only makes my depression worse, despite me telling her that's the case. And my lack of work makes both my anxiety and depression worse, and my lack of getting any relief for my messed up neck and shoulder makes my depression worse, and it just doesn't seem to have any end at all.
I'm bummed, really bummed. I've already made two calls to my therapist - one frantic because I was in the middle of an anxiety attack, and the 2nd more calm, but definitely down because I was depressed after the anxiety attack.
That I found HW has been such a great help to me, but time is not on my side, and I really don't know how much more of this endless cycle of torture I can take . . .