I need some cheering up.

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Taygeta
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2010
Total Posts : 164
   Posted 11/4/2010 10:36 PM (GMT -6)   
I need some cheering up in a big way. 
 
I know I need to be on some kind of medication for my depression but my bad experience with Cymbalta is keeping me from even making an attempt.  I've looked over the medications available, and the side effects for all of them are the same things that forced me to quit Cymbalta.  I'm ultra-sensitive to certain types of meds - any that have to do with brain function it appears are at the top of that list.  That I read tiredness, lightheadedness, and nausea with just about all the ADs does not give me any inclination to go through what I went through before.
 
I mentioned in another post that Cymbalta dropped my BP to ridiculous lows, and ever since Cymbalta, my BP has not bounced back to what it was before Cymbalta.  I don't know if that is due to Cymbalta or something else physical with me, but I only know what the monitor reads.  Even today it's not uncommon for my BP to be under 100, and that never happened before I went on Cymbalta - I was always a 115-120.  Every dr. visit I have, I always hear "wow" great BP, and it makes me cringe.  Not that I want high BP, but it isn't like I've done anything in my lifestyle to have such a low BP.
 
Because of the BP drop with Cymbalta, I never got over the tiredness and lightheadness - in fact, those symptoms worsened over time.  Even today, if I get up to fast from a sitting position - I see stars.  That was a rare event before the AD.
 
So my anxiety will not allow me to even try another med, even call the doctor now to ask about another med, and I feel I am doomed to fight this disease without any medical intervention, and I don't know how much strength I have left to do that.  Other than HW, I have no friends to talk to about these things - not even one, and though my therapist is great, I see her too rarely to keep me going.
 
Time is not on my side.
 
I can't find work, and if I can't bring in some money, my therapist visits are going to be even farther apart.  The interview I wrote about a couple weeks ago - it went really well, except they needed one thing I couldn't provide - the software development experience.  I can't get a break for anything when it comes to work - I don't know why, I just can't get a break to fall my way.  So now I'm sending out the resumes again, putting in applications, but I don't hear anything back from anyone even when I call.  For them, time is not an issue - for me, my time is running out, and my desperation is beginning to show in everything.  I can't even get a job that pays less but will pay some of the bills because as soon as they find out the amount of experience I have, and that I have a Masters Degree in science, they immediately exclude me from the job.  I can't even get the people at the county's jobs center to call me back about helping me figure out some way to approach jobs when I'm overqualified.  To say that I am frustrated is an understatement.  When I look at all of these obstacles - I feel doomed, utterly doomed. 
 
As for the pain clinic visit I had last week, after going to a chat here on HW sponsored by the chronic pain group, I think the clinic isn't taking me seriously at all.  I got a TENs unit, and they didn't even tell me how to use it.  Not how long, not how often, not even what settings would work best.  I'm now going to PT as well.  And still, I take ibuprofen daily because the clinic didn't even offer any alternative, despite my telling them how many I take a day and for how long I've been doing it.  The PT and TENs, yes, I can see how they can help, but they aren't going to help but over a long period of time.  My muscles from my neck to my right shoulder are completely screwed up - the PT tells me - in fact, they are shortened, weak, and pulling my right shoulder blade away from its normal position because of the shortening.  I have a 2nd visit with the pain clinic, and they tell me I'm getting a trigger point injection or injections.  Dani - of chronic pain, was not pleased when I told her all of these things.  She advised going to another clinic, but time is not on my side there either, and I don't want to start the process all over again, and I don't have the money to pay for the extra dr visit and another consultation.  It took me a month to get into this clinc.
 
On top of all this, my wife has never truly understood my depression.  To this day, we will argue about my depression, and she treats it as if it isn't a disease, that somehow I should just bounce out of it because I need to bounce out of it - i.e. I'm lazy and unmotivated.  And when we argue, it only makes my depression worse, despite me telling her that's the case.  And my lack of work makes both my anxiety and depression worse, and my lack of getting any relief for my messed up neck and shoulder makes my depression worse, and it just doesn't seem to have any end at all.
 
I'm bummed, really bummed.  I've already made two calls to my therapist - one frantic because I was in the middle of an anxiety attack, and the 2nd more calm, but definitely down because I was depressed after the anxiety attack. 
 
That I found HW has been such a great help to me, but time is not on my side, and I really don't know how much more of this endless cycle of torture I can take . . .
 
Scythia 
 
     

Trying to Understand
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 776
   Posted 11/4/2010 11:40 PM (GMT -6)   
A dark time indeed. I haven't much to offer but here goes.

Is the therapist helping you with a way to counter your anxiety and depression attacks? What do you get out of a visit? Maybe if you had specific problems to solve, it would go better. Maybe a new therapist, I know :(

You have to trust the doc on the ad's. And keep trying. Your BP is still good, not rock bottom low, don't know why you have the dizziness problem., Brought something to light for me, took Cymbalta 120 mg for a long time. When I stopped, noticed that I get a rolling sensation in my head when I so much as turn over on my pillow quickly. Don't know why, and seems it should have resolved by now. Was not a problem when I took Cymbalta.
Are you driving yourself crazy taking your BP frequently? Are you dizzy from low blood sugar?

about working, you could call dept of rehab and see what they have going. I did this once, its a great free program to find a new job that uses your education, gives you more, or new skills, and if you can't keep up with it they don't get mad. They then offer you the chance to think of something else to learn about. Its something to do. If you are on disability, for some strange reason they do not re evaluate you while in the program.

Did you read Christina's post about her disability? They have back paid since 2007, the last time she worked. Her kids even get a monthly check.

Concerning your wife, it wears on them. People will never really understand until it happens to them. How about marriage counselling instead of your therapist?

Why do you think time is not on your side? I think time ran out on me because I am now 61, and along with no work in my area, I have no references or recent experience. Too much time has gone by.

Hope it helps a little. If you are a few years younger than me, I would push all of the above. Dept of rehab first,and filing for disability too because it takes a long time, and see what comes up. I get so bored. Just would like to go to work.
Sandy
BP II
Severe depression

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20190
   Posted 11/5/2010 4:05 AM (GMT -6)   
yeah, cymbalta has pooped for me. scythia................many healing hugs.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

HOPING YOU FEEL BETTER SOON. JAMIE.
BI-POLAR-1, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

Taygeta
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2010
Total Posts : 164
   Posted 11/5/2010 7:03 AM (GMT -6)   
Karen - I do get specific problems to solve from the therapist, but with so many things I need to solve, I can't seem to work on any one thing and get results that I need.  She's given me things to work on, like with the marriage, for example, and I intend to do them, but something changes, and I don't follow through.  It's not her fault, it's all mine.  I know that I'm supposed to focus on one thing, to get just one thing done, but I stray and think, and I don't get anything done.  And every day the problems seem as big or bigger than the day before.
 
I have tried so many different things with the work thing, I no longer have faith in anything I do try - there's just no will behind them.  I have so many versions of my resume, it's ridiculous.  I also formed a business with the hope that might be the route instead, but the obstacles there are many and different than those for finding work.  And my expectations for the business were unrealistic, so I blame myself again for not realizing that. 
 
This whole week, my wife and I are barely talking, and I hate that and I don't know how to fix that.  We've talked about counseling, but it never happens. 
 
I can't find focus, Karen, I can't find direction.  And though my therapist doesn't think I have OCD, she knows I have obsessive behaviors.  So, yes, I can be compulsive with taking my BP too much, and I have been the last day just because it's come to my mind.  I don't know about low blood sugar.  I can't remember the last test I had to check for blood sugar. 
 
Time is not on my side because I've spent 4 years trying to get work with only part-time, temporary, and contract jobs to show for it.  Nothing permanent, nothing truly secure in the least, and why should I think it's going to change now.  What about me is any different or better?  Nothing at all.  Not one thing at all.
 
Jamie - thanks for the confirm on Cymbalta, but that drug has jaded me against all ADs, so it's not just it pooped for me, it's turned me against all other ADs, and I just can't get over it.
 
Remember a few weeks ago when I said, I'd be needing you to tell me I'm not a loser, well today's the day.
 
I am a loser, a complete loser.  I can't take AD meds, I can't find work, I don't even know which direction to go, I'm losing my wife and family, I have no one to talk with, the pain clinic seems to be going nowhere, and I feel right now, I shouldn't even be writing here.  And I know this is going to sound childless and stupid, but right now, at this very moment, I wish I had never been born.
 
 

Taygeta
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2010
Total Posts : 164
   Posted 11/5/2010 7:44 AM (GMT -6)   
I apologize for my last post.  I probably should pre-apologize for this one too.
 
I don't remember who told me, my mind is very foggy right now, but I was told not to shy away from posting when I'm down, and it's so very obvious I am very down.
 
From as far back as I can remember, I've wanted to do something on this planet, to make a difference, to be something to someone, to make someone's life better because of something I've done - not for praise or a reward, but just to do it because it's what humanity should be, it's the right thing to do, but I can see through the years I have become a burden rather than a help because I can't even help myself. 

BlueMoon878
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 243
   Posted 11/5/2010 8:45 AM (GMT -6)   
Scythia, I'm so sorry you feel this way. Please don't apologize for posting; I read what you wrote and it reads like a diary entry of mine. Ditto to everything you said. I can't offer encouragement, and probably shouldn't try - but I tried Cymbalta too (my college roommate was on it, and said it worked...bah!), and it was by far the worst drug I tried. And I've tried them all. You're not alone - and I like to think that we can all support each other here and be each other's 'friends' when it feels like we don't have any in our lives. HW has helped me several times just get from one day to the next - even if I too wish that I had never been born. We're just going through dark times... it has to get better right?
"I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better."

Clonazepam .5mg 4x/day (anxiety), EMSAM patches 6mg/day (depression)

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42438
   Posted 11/5/2010 3:18 PM (GMT -6)   
Yes you two, it is going to get better for both of you. I hear that cymbalta can be the best medication for some and the worst for others. Try not to let it turn you against other AD's. Though I do understand how you feel. But there have been other people who have taken it and had horrible experiences and going off is really difficult I have heard. But other people swear by it. I took effexor for many years. A really high dose. Have recently switched to pristiq with no problem because they are almost the same thing. But once before I went off of effexor and it was horrible. Some people do terrible on it, but I did well for about 15 years or so. Maybe longer than that. I have been on so many, but I did finally find what was right for me.

If you don't want to go the drug route, I highly recommend meditation for you to try. It does relax me and helps me to focus. I have obsessive thinking problems. I take abilify for that and it is also a mood stabilizer. But it keeps me from thinking constantly and worrying about things.

I have a german shepherd puppy going crazy in the house now and have to calm her down. I have to end here. I hope that you feel better and yes, this is a good place to come when you are feeling down. We love to hear from you when you are feeling good too. It is encouraging.

Take care,

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Taygeta
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2010
Total Posts : 164
   Posted 11/5/2010 7:03 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks, bluemoon.  Thanks for your thoughts.  I hope you are right about "eventually," especially since my day went from very bad to much worse.  Too bad for me to even want to talk about it now.
 
Karen - I'm lost on trying to figure out the ADs.  Really.  The experience I had just won't let go of me, and it was a terrible experience, worse than what I'm allowed to say here.  If you had met me then, you would not have even thought I was on an AD - that's how useless Cymbalta became.  I actually became less depressed once I got off Cymbalta.  
 
I don't trust that my regular MD knows enough about them to help me make a choice.  I'm not sure if my therapist does either.  If I go that route - I want to be more informed than I was with Cymbalta.  I need someone with expertise in ADs, but I have no idea where to find that resource.  I need to know, for example, if all SSRIs and SNRIs work the same way - because if they do, then they're off the list because of Cymbalta.  That kills Celexa, Prozac, Lexapro, Luvox, Paxil (which I was on before Cymbalta - and the reason I went to Cymbalta was that Paxil didn't seem to be helping at all) Zoloft, Effexor, and Pristiq.  At the time I was prescribed Cymbalta, I was told it had fewer harsh side effects than most other ADs.  For me, that fewer eventually turned into over a dozen.
 
I wish meditation worked for me.  I've tried it, but I can't keep from straying.  I can't blank my mind using it, and I can't stay focused on one thought.   I think too much and too often.  When my mind runs amok, the only way I can shut it down is to engross myself in something where I don't think - just "listen."  I've even tried some meditation mp3s to blank my mind, but through them, my thoughts continue to run.  The only way my mind seems to shut down is for something to grab its attention - suck the life out of it with a wealth of sensory perception that is only taken in - not dwelled upon.  If I'm given even the smallest opening to think - I will.
 
I really appreciate your thoughts and suggestions, I'm just struggling to make sense of things.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42438
   Posted 11/5/2010 7:18 PM (GMT -6)   
That is where abilify might help you. It is good for a wandering mind. I use to think obsessively. Now I can focus on one thing at a time. Do you think you might be ADD? Attention deficit disorder? Where you can't focus at all? Or do you just think too much like I did? I couldn't clear my mind for anything. Now I can meditate and focus on one thing at a time. And I learned to live life one day at a time. It is much more enjoyable that way. Because it does go by fast.

I hope that you get this sorted out.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Taygeta
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2010
Total Posts : 164
   Posted 11/5/2010 7:35 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Karen,
 
I would say I am not ADD because I can focus.  I think obsessively more often than I should, and sometimes my thoughts will scramble together like eggs, making it difficult to sort things out.  In general, I do think too much and I overthink too much.  
 
 

Trying to Understand
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 776
   Posted 11/6/2010 1:23 AM (GMT -6)   
Noticed this,
I don't trust that my regular MD knows enough about them to help me make a choice. I'm not sure if my therapist does either.
you do have a psychiatrist don't you? Because GPs are out of their arena when it comes to prescribing these psychiatric meds.

You have to keep trying meds. No one can tell you exactly what will work because its different for all of us. Thought that was good insight on the Abilify.

Are you checking your BP frequently and worrying yourself needlessly? What about the blood sugar, are you eating regularly and balanced, avoiding sugar loads?

Don't say CAN"T meditate, you are just going to have to practice more, and make up your mind to succeed. Cool, quiet, dark room, relaxed on your back. When your mind wanders, try the deep breathing, slow, "smell the roses, blow out the candles" and picture them. Also, start counting at 300, go back 3 to 297, keep doing this, its hard, and it should help you stop the run away thoughts.
Make some columns on paper, identify the things you are "worrying" about, and when you think one, put it under the right heading. Then you can later read them all at once and come to a bit of a conclusion.

Taygeta
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2010
Total Posts : 164
   Posted 11/6/2010 7:25 AM (GMT -6)   
i have a psychologist.
 
no. i'm not eating regularly.  with how i feel right now, i'm not really caring about whether i eat or not or when.
 
'm worse this morning than yesterday.  my wife and i got into it yesterday - or more i should say, she jumped all over me because she doesn't think i'm doing enough to find work.  i told her to stop, that she didn't understand i have a disease, and that i was doing everything i could, and that if i could, i'd change, but i guess she wanted to shock me into doing something, so she called me lazy and unmotivated and said i didn't care enough about the family to get myself out of it.  i had to leave the house after that, i went to my pt early, then after drove to a store to pick a few things up, but i sat in the car for nearly an hour before i went in, and all i did was just stare at all the "normal" people with normal lives and normal jobs and everything i don't have and everything it seems right now i will never have again. 
 
i wish i had some way of showing her how much i do care, but there's nothing i am doing that is showing that.
 
i've been awful since last night, though how much lower can i feel, well today i know.  i can't stop the tears from falling this morning.  but i have to stop by the time my  family gets up.  they can't see me like this.  i slept maybe 4 hours.  after she told me i'm basically worthless, that i'm not helping the family, i couldn't even concentrate.  i had grading i needed to do for an online course i'm teaching.  i'm supposed to be positive for the students.  i could barely get my thoughts together to do it, so it took me what seemed like forever.  and all the time i'm thinking, some teacher i am, if these students only knew that the positive teacher they see is a wreck.  i had to force everything i did write.
 
i'm scared.  i feel like running away.  i'm so tired.  i don't want this day to start. 
 
darn it, she's up already.  i have to post.  

Trying to Understand
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 776
   Posted 11/6/2010 9:09 AM (GMT -6)   
Sorry your wife jumped all over you. She's tryng to make you snap out of it, not likely going to work. Really hurts when someone you love especially, attacks or criticizes. Supports my other post, we are "exquisitely sensitive" people. The least criticism makes me very sad, then if another occurs, look out.
Crying is good to get the emotions out, better than bottling it up, tho no, not good for the family to see.
So what does your wife do?
Didn't know you were teaching an online course, thats something to be proud of. And doing it online is beautiful, no one can see you. You wouldn't believe what I look like right now. Added to the beauty of working at home, online, is the fact that you are being positive and encouraging others. That should raise your self esteem up 20 points, at least.
So what are you doing about a job? What does she want you to do?
Sometimes emphasizing the disease is not good, and I think you're there now with her.
Placate her. Be sure to tell you that you're sorry to be in this rut right now, and that you love her very much. And that you're working on getting yourself out.
A psychologist is great for therapy and counseling. But not good because he can't prescribe meds. You need a psychiatrist to get you started. And evaluate you before you go trying other meds, tho do think Abilify would be nice, expensive. Like someone said to you maybe you have ADD. A psychiatrist knows all the disorders like the back of his hand, and will be faster at diagnosing than all of us, including your GP and psychologist, put together.
Your feelings are justified. It is scary, and I often felt like driving away into the sunset myself. I've gone from Cleveland, to California, to Chicago, to California, and now am out of highway, live in Oceanside CA. And I can tell you this, the problem with running away is that you still have yourself and your baggage along. Easier to stay put.
Hang in there Cowboy. You have lots of potential and WILL feel better someday.
Sandy
BP II
Severe depression

Trying to Understand
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 776
   Posted 11/6/2010 9:12 AM (GMT -6)   
Oops, forgot to add, NOT EATING! Very bad. Think of something, like boil eggs for the fridge, if you don't like to peel them, crack a couple into boiling water and eat them poached. At least you will have some protein. Do you like cheese? yogurt? Make yourself eat something small like that 3-6 times a day. I wouldn't be surprised that its effecting your blood sugar.
Golta help yourself, hun. Nobody can eat for you.
Sandy
BP II
Severe depression

Taygeta
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2010
Total Posts : 164
   Posted 11/6/2010 1:45 PM (GMT -6)   
Sandy,
 
thanks for your support and encouragement
 
i don't eat well, and i know i should do better.  i will try.
 
emphasizing the depression to my wife isn't working now, so you are right there too.
 
you are right too about a psychiatrist.  i guess i need to find a psychiatrist now because i will only feel comfortable with a psychiatrist with another ad.
 
maybe there are some other issues i don't know about, like you say.  ive never been tested for anything, other than what i tell them about how i feel.  it's time to push things forward, and i am the only one who can push
 
i cant continue like i am.  thanks, friend.
 
 
  
 

Trying to Understand
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 776
   Posted 11/6/2010 2:55 PM (GMT -6)   
Good, Scythia, glad you realize its time to forge ahead.

Pick a time of day to eat, like breakfast, and boil some eggs. Or any way you like. Glass of juice, glass of milk, toast. Easiest meal of the day. 5 min prep, then sit down at the table and eat it. Or lunch, build a nice sandwich as if it were me coming over for lunch. You'd make something nice for someone else wouldn't you? Well, you have to do this one because I can't get over there to do it. Again, sit down at the table and eat, like a real human, not over the sink. Too hard? Buy something munchable, like cheese, yogurt, cottage cheese, just for you, a big one. Walk into the kitchen, get a spoon, go to the fridge, and eat some. No dishes. Don't forget water. Fill up a nice tall glass with ice cold and guzzle it.
Please start somewhere. Baby steps.
Ask one of them about fish oil, if you don't eat fish, this could be a big help to you, as it is the only proven supplement that helps mood. I take 4000 mg/day, GP recommended.
Make a list of what you have to do, concerning the job, dept of rehab, disability. Start by getting necessary info. Give yourself a deadline, say next Friday, that these projects to help yourself are under way. You can start all 3 and see what pans out.
We care about you and want to help.
Thinking of you,
Sandy
BP II
Severe depression

Taygeta
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2010
Total Posts : 164
   Posted 11/6/2010 3:24 PM (GMT -6)   
thanks, Sandy.
 
you have no idea how much you helped me move forward. 
 
i cannot express enough gratitude to you.
 
you are truly a wonderful person.
 
your friend, always,
 
scythia

Trying to Understand
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 776
   Posted 11/6/2010 5:33 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks, no problem.
You met me halfway, it was your doing that made the difference.
You have also helped me.
Best wishes always,
Sandy
Sandy
BP II
Severe depression
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