Once upon a time...

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neverbetter
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 66
   Posted 11/5/2010 11:07 PM (GMT -6)   
....I felt trapped in an unending downward spiral.  Again and again I would be spun toward the bottom, attempt to climb to the top, hang on to the sides for a while, but always, in the end, I'm standing on rock bottom, exhausted and, of course, depressed.
 
I hate myself for posting on here.  I'm sorry that I'm taking up your time if you are reading this; everyone else's problems are probably a lot more serious than mine.  I'm just really sad and I can't get any homework done.
 
I'm pretty sure that this college that I ignorantly picked is the wrong one for me.  It's sooo small, and it's just like my hometown and it's driving me crazy.  I can't stand the people here, or really anything about the town! Ugh.  Almost a semester in and still hating college.  I was so dumb for thinking that this was going to be better than before- apparently the lack of sleep has brought back the depression a little.  And the cold weather.   And the neverending stress/fears of failure/impending doom that is always lurking over my shoulder. 
 
Maybe there just isn't a place for me.  Maybe I just don't really belong to this world.  Maybe I'll be alone the rest of my life- though that would be preferable to having all this stress and having my parents freak out if I even mention that my depression is back.  People just don't get it, do they?  Their always thinking you can just "snap out of it."  And I'm sorry, but medicine just hasn't helped me.  The bliss that I feel when I'm on antidepressants is just to... Unnatural (yes, I'm still taking antidepressants, though).  I don't want to feel happy all the time.  But I don't like feeling sad all of the time.. It's just more comfortable than feeling happy I guess.
 
Okay, this is long.. And I'm super tired.  I guess I should probably go to bed. :(  No one needs to comment on this, either.  It's just a little blog-ish type entry I guess. 

Taygeta
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2010
Total Posts : 164
   Posted 11/5/2010 11:42 PM (GMT -6)   
Neverbetter,
 
You hit on two very important points - at least for me.
 
You wrote -" People just don't get it, do they?  Their always thinking you can just "snap out of it."  And I'm sorry, but medicine just hasn't helped me.  The bliss that I feel when I'm on antidepressants is just to... Unnatural (yes, I'm still taking antidepressants, though). "
 
No, people just don't get it at all.  Unless they have experienced true clinical depression, they have no idea what is happening to us.  Everyone of us would be overjoyed to be able to just "snap out of it."
 
Tonight I was called a slacker and lazy by my wife.  She told me if I really cared about the family, I would do something to "snap out of it."  I can't even attempt to tell you how much that hurt to hear that.
 
When I was on Cymbalta, though my depression was held in check for a time, I also lost many of my emotions.  I didn't cry for over a year, and I was always one to shed a tear for a sad movie or a sad situation - that's what made me - me.  But on the meds I lost that completely, and I hated losing that part of me.  I would have to agree with you - that the ADs in my case did make things feel unnatural.
 
Scythia  
 
 

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42609
   Posted 11/6/2010 8:06 AM (GMT -6)   
You could possibly need a med adjustment or change. Have you told the doc that it isn't working right? You have to let them know so that they can make changes. I know it is frustrating when medications aren't right and don't work. But be patient, there are so many different kinds, you will find what is right for you. If that is what you want. Maybe you want off of meds all together. I don't know.

I sure do hope that you feel better soon. This is a hard time of year, the holidays are approaching and that just adds more stress. So take one day at a time. ONe moment if you have to. Keep posting. We are here to try to help you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

neverbetter
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 66
   Posted 11/6/2010 11:51 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks so much for replying. I'm so grateful to have found this forum last summer.

Scythia- You are definitely the first person that I've talked to that has agreed that AD's make you lose other emotions. I haven't cried in forever, and I hate the feeling of being happy all of the time. I guess the point that is most bothersome is that, like you said, you lose unique parts of yourself just to be happy. I just wish happiness didn't come at such a horrible price...

And I'm sorry that your wife said that to you. It is so hurtful that people don't even try to understand us. :( I suppose patience is the only way to get through to them. And tolerance.

Karen- I talked to my doctor when I was on another medicine, and so they switched me to this one. I've gotten a new doctor since going to college, and when I mentioned it to him, he basically said that I was perfectly normal now and that I'm just not used to feeling regular human emotions. But I'm positive that this isn't normal- I've been normal before, and I wasn't numb to everything like I am right now. I think I have an appt next week, so I will try again; thank you for your advice. Holidays are always tough, and I hope you get through them all right too.

Thanks again. Both of your posts have made me feel a little better, even though I'm still in my downward spiral. :( Thanks for understanding.

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20279
   Posted 11/7/2010 6:49 AM (GMT -6)   
HEY, NB. SENDING HEALING COMPASSIONATE THOUGHTS YOUR WAY. MED CHANGE FOR ME SOON. TIS REQUIRED!!!! NEW DX AND ALL. HERE FOR YOU 2. JAMIE.
BI-POLAR-1, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

Trying to Understand
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 776
   Posted 11/7/2010 7:47 AM (GMT -6)   
I'm having an emotional upheaval as well, and not even on ad's, just 5HP, Valerian and Melatonin, which I thought were so "innocent".

I'm experiencing kind of wild laughter, and quick frightening throes of melancholy, and its scary because its inappropriate to whats going on, and I can barely control it when it gets rolling.

Wish I could sedate myself, be flat again for awhile. Its a roller coaster. I want to be numb.

You may have made a mistake in choosing your college, or are just grappling in depression, self-criticism, and criticism of life in general. Miserable fall season, so beautiful, but the time change, the light change, and the pending holidays are ripe with the desire to avoid. I'm getting sucked in, maybe you are too. But all is not lost.

Do seek pdoc advice and perhaps change the antidepressants. Re-evaluate when you are more stable.

You're thjis far along in the semester, quarter, or session, I mean. Hang in, think over what you want to do regarding school carefully, make pros and cons lists. Prepare to make the decision of changing. Personally, would be overwhelmed at huge, milling crowds and classrooms. Then again could feel "lost" in the crowd as a good thing. Is it seeing the same people repeatedly that is getting on your nerves? Is it dorm living? Identify.

People like to see you laughing rather than crying. Eases their mind when they know you are depressed and volatile. They can't understand uncontrollable emotion, and despise depression, well we all do. No one wants to see you crying and "stuck". Human nature.

Got called some "adjectives" myself tonight, sick, sad, and pathetic. To which I retorted, yes, I'm mentally ill. No cure, not much help or hope. All seem to be after my money and using me. Don't care what you think, or want your opinion. Keep away from me. I do know that you are hurting me and won't allow that. You have the compassion and undertanding of a gnat. Be gone.

Loved ones get tired of it. It isn't easy for them to witness. Up to us to take initiative at helping ourselves as much as possible. And get treatment too. Hold each other up.
The Bible says something like, don't cast your pearls before swine, that's a deep one, but think it fits here.

We have to keep our heads above water, tread water while we can. Work at not getting sucked under. Grab onto any small branch to stay afloat. Be determined to stay afloat. Accept the life=ring if we have to go to the Er, or get in to see the doc on an emergency appt.

Best wishes, Scythia, NB, keep yourself safe. Don't succomb to the depths.
Sandy
BP II
Severe depression

neverbetter
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 66
   Posted 11/8/2010 6:46 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you for your posts! I can't tell you how much I needed to read those tonight.

Life is so sad.. I would never want to give up life, but it's just all a big game.. But I guess we're pretty much alone in this stupid tug of war between sanity and depression. My mom wrote this to me today.. It hurt.:

"I'm not going to put up with your rudeness everytime I talk to you. Frankly, we're all under stress, and you're too wrapped up in yourself to even begin to care about anyone else. I'm not going to talk to you just so you can criticize me. It's hurtful, and you better start considering others feelings instead of being so wrapped up in your own stupid problems."

-Yeah, and that is coming from my mother who, just this summer, claimed that she "understood" my depression. I can't CARE about anyone because I don't even have enough stupid energy to care about myself!!! ARGH. I mean, I understand how it is hard for others to see us depressed, especially our families, but it would seem that they should be the most understanding..

Jamie, I hope your med change goes well! Keep me updated!

Trying To Understand, thanks for your advice. I will wait until I'm "stable" again to reevaluate... Though I'm not sure if I'll be stable any time soon. Your words were incredibly touching- thank you so much. I hope you find stability soon as well.

I'm so blessed to have HW in my life. You people are seriously like family (at least, how a family is SUPPOSED to be toward depression).

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20279
   Posted 11/9/2010 6:42 AM (GMT -6)   
will do. see the professor fri morn. until then, take care of you. jamie.
BI-POLAR-1, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.
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