I honestly don't know if i'm truly depressed or just have a lot of issues.
Things started to get bad for me around 15. I used to cry almost every night about how bad things were. I even contemplated ways I might end my life if things continued to get worse but I was always too scared.
Once I got to college, things seemed to be better. But my grades were terrible, I had no motivation to work hard & I just didn't know how to take care of myself. I was in a relationship throughout my first year but it ended over summer vacation when he left me for another girl. After that, things seemed to go from bad to worse. I started making a lot of bad & impulsive decisions. Those decisions have left me with emotional & physical scars that still to to this day just won't get better. For a while, i turned my heart & my mind over to God & i truly believe that He helped me to stay in school & remove some of the emotional strain that I was dealing with. Things still weren't perfect but I was really hopeful that if I stayed on that same path, my life would be drastically different. Whenever I did get sad, I wouldn't cry like I used to. I thought I was being strong but honestly I just felt numb. I had been hurt so much in the past that the tears were just harder to come by. But tonight, something just snapped inside of me. I was FURIOUS, MISERABLE, HATEFUL, DESTRUCTIVE all rolled up into one. It was the first time i've cried in a long time & I hated myself for it. & because I hated myself, I hated everything else. I wanted to tear the whole world apart if I could. All of the bad things that have been happening in my life seemed to just be proof that I am just a bad person who doesn't deserve to be happy or to have what she wants in life.
Sometimes I can't help but to think that despite my efforts, my life will never be OK. Sometimes I think that instead of angels I have demons watching over me, making sure that if I ever get too happy, i'll get hit with something just as bad to bring me down again & KEEP me down. Sometimes I think that God Himself can't even help me. I don't think its normal to get as sad as I do and if I wasn't such a coward I don't think I would still be alive today. I want to believe that life holds great happiness for me someday but i'm running out of hope. When i'm not sad like this, i'm just empty. The times that I am happy are always fleeting & they are only the result of my finding comfort in something/someone else that always ends up hurting me too.
I know that I wont give up on life but I just don't want to be sad anymore. I feel like everyone around me can tell that there's something wrong & because of that, they stay away from me. Even when I try to act normal & happy & friendly.
I'm just confused. I'm hoping that someone can help me understand.