this may sound like small potatoes compared to alot of you guys' issues but....

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New Member

Date Joined Nov 2010
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 11/8/2010 3:28 AM (GMT -6)   
I met this girl a while back. unfortunatly it was online so there wasnt any sexual relationship. we hit it off pretty well. video chatted so i can safely say she was real. talked on the phone. texted. she treated me like no one ever treated me like a real person before. i did get attached. i did let my guard down. i let her in. i was mad about that. and i told her. anyway, here is where i am struggling: She blew me off for a few days and when i finally broke down sunday and texted her, things were ok. i went to go visit a friend at this bar she works at and when i left i texted this girl again to see if she was feeling better because she said she had a cold. the next message i got told me she got back with her ex boyfriend who cheats on her, and i cant be friends with her anymore because i have feelings for her and she cant risk losing this guy.
here is my question: why am i NOT upset about her no longer wanting to think about meeting and having a relationship with me but i am torn up that she doesnt even want to be friends.
i think it is because i am so lonely and in such a need of companionship. thats probably what others are going to tell me on here, but jsut wondering, any other opinons?

Regular Member

Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 355
   Posted 11/8/2010 7:57 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Kingcripple

I think you have pretty much answered your own question, you are lonely and become used to being lonely which is why I think you aren't upset about her not wanting to have a relationship with you, you have pretty much thrown the towel in and let the other guy have her. However, I think she doesn't want to even be friends with you because she probably has feelings for you still and she thinks that if you are friends it might turn into something more than friends and she probably thinks she likes the other guy more at this stage.

My advice to you is, let her go, you will meet other girls, they will come and go in and out of your life before you find the right one, and she is out there waiting for you to find her, it will probably be under the most unexpected circumstances.

I wish you good luck and I hope you will keep posting to let us know how you are going.
Kind Regards

Harrington 49

Veteran Member

Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 11/8/2010 8:40 AM (GMT -6)   
Heeja King,

I am with Harrington, she either still has feelings for you or feels uncomfortable (because of the idea that she hurt you for example). I used to be very lonely as well, though I had tons of friends. But I didn't have a partner and that made me feel pretty bad (or at least, I thought it was). Having a girlfriend is wonderful, but only when both of you are completely comfortable with each other. Trust me on that one. And the same goes with friends. You can't be good friends when one side is not comfortable. What I guess is you want to be friends for you sake, and true friendship is care for each other. It is extremely hard to let go of someone who makes you feel wanted and gives you a purpose to live, but you might want to consider her feelings as well. Yes, her boyfriend might be a cheater, a liar, and whatever, but ask yourself the question whose decision it is that she wants to be with him.

Perhaps you can start with small steps. It is quite the jump if you are going from lonely to girlfriend in one step, skipping the "someone I know", "a friend", "good friend" and "really good friend" stages. And in general, friends can be a huge support, and are more likely to stay than a partner, since you have more and have a less intense relation. Of course, a girlfriend can add things to your life that nothing else can.

A thought I like is: "How can you truly love someone when you can't love yourself?" Can you be the partner that someone deserves when you are afraid of losing her? Pretty tough questions, and black and white since you probably both end up helping each other, but it might be something worth thinking about.

Sorry if this sounds like a lecture or something :-), I can get quite caught up in rambling. Just try to relax a bit, it will come.

Take care

Elite Member

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 11/8/2010 9:26 AM (GMT -6)   
Welcome to HealingWell !  I am sorry you are feeling down but I do feel this girl was not ready to engage in any relastionship of any kind and it is probably a good thing that she walks away even thow it hurts right now.
I can understand your feelings of loneliness. You are not alone. I often have found myself there and it's a horrible place to be. But don't give up. You can't dwell on the past, only enjoy the present.
One of the biggest lessons I've ever learned I discovered not so long ago.  You can look to someone or something else to make you happy. But in the end, only YOU can make yourself happy. You have to be happy with yourself, have pride in yourself, be comfortable with who you are before you can truly expect someone else to feel the same about you. As the old saying goes, you have to love yourself before you can expect anyone else to love you.
Don't let life pass you by. Go out there and face the world with a smile, be sure of yourself, and be more confident. 
Keep hope and know things will turn for you. You deserve to find happiness in life. We all do. good luck!

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Trying to Understand
Veteran Member

Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 776
   Posted 11/8/2010 11:59 AM (GMT -6)   
That encounter with the girl from the bar was just that, not a relationship.

Its easier to do the texting/calling thing because you don't see everything that is there or isn't there. Kind of construe how the person is, and sometimes when you are faced with the reality, Blam ! Really, why continue in a relationship you know involves cheating ? Glutton for punishm,ent.

Go on your merry way. Or not so merry, and try to find happiness in your journey. Its not a destination, its a journey.

Severe depression
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