Getting depressed while dealing with depressed wife

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Ready To Quit
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2010
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 11/12/2010 6:53 AM (GMT -6)   
My wife and I have been married for 4 years and together 5. We've known each other our whole lives. She told me she was diagnosed with depression a month ago and got some medication (Lexapro and then changed to something else).

So, I've tried to change how I am, by spending more time with her, complimenting her on how great she looks and telling her how much she means to me and how much I love her all the time. But, it's like she doesn't care. I tell her, I love her, she says I love you, too, but it's like an empty reply with no emotion or feeling.

We used to have sex practically everyday. Now, it's never. That is frustrating, when you're used to getting it all the time and now you never get it. I know it's side effects, but one can't help but to think if it's someone else, if she's lost her appeal for me or if my wife just doesn't love me anymore. She talks to friends, goes out with friends and seems to have a great time with her friends, but when I enter the picture she doesn't seem like the same person. She just shuts me out and won't talk to me about anything.

I'm trying to give 110% to make her feel better and support her, but it is getting so frustrating to deal with. I'm on the verge of breaking down everyday and it takes everything I have to not break down and give up. It's very exhausting and I'm not sure how people deal with this kind of emotional stress. It's like I have a roommate that I love and want more than anything, that doesn't even know I exist.

Any advice, tips or pointers? Anyone been through this before? Because I love my wife more than anything and I want her to be happy and well, but it's slowly killing me and I just don't know how much more I can honestly take.

worriedgirl
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1208
   Posted 11/12/2010 7:50 AM (GMT -6)   
I have been through this before with my husband and it was hell for two years. At one point he even told me he wasnt sure he loved me or was attracted to me. I stuck by him and held him and kept telling him I loved him until he got passed it. Now he is better and we are better. I think its time you and your wife really sat down and talked about how she is feeling. Dont accuse her and make sure you assure her when talking to her. Now im the one going through depression but i still make sure he knows i love him. sit her down, hold her hand, and just ask her what is going on with her and ask her if she loves you still. i bet she does but she is holding you at arms length to protect you.
The only person who can make you happy is you. Be your own self and love who you are because each and every one of you are wonderful for who you are
 
"No one really dies because they have loved. Because they love they stay in the hearts of the people they have touched so in that their memory lives on." Ghost whisperer-i know corny but this touched me deep down and i see so much truth in it.

Taygeta
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2010
Total Posts : 164
   Posted 11/12/2010 11:18 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Ready,
 
I can tell you this from experience, sometimes the person closest to the one that is depressed is the hardest to talk to.  I know that because I have found it very hard to talk to my wife about how I feel.
 
Why I find it hard to talk is that I don't want to pour my pain on my spouse - I don't know if that is true with your wife, but it could be.  It could be very hard for her to show love for you because of how she is feeling.  That she talks to other friends does not necessarily mean she doesn't love you - she just may not be able to show it.
 
Something to consider, and this may sound strange, but you might want to see a therapist yourself to learn more about what is likely happening to your wife.  Depressed people cannot snap out of it, and no amount of begging, yelling, etc., seems to be able to work.
 
For your health - I think you should consider that.  It may help you learn more about what your wife is going through and what to expect from her.
 
Just a thought.
 
OCD Scythia

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42609
   Posted 11/13/2010 7:01 AM (GMT -6)   
One thing for sure, when we get depressed, the libido is one of the first things to go. Just because she isn't interested in sex, doesn't mean she doesn't still love you. She does. She just is having trouble with that right now. Be patient. And as was posted above, get some counseling to help you deal with this. It really gives you insight on what is going on. Maybe you two could go together. I hope that things come around soon. Dont' give up on her. She loves you very much.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Trying to Understand
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 776
   Posted 11/13/2010 10:02 PM (GMT -6)   
It is very unfortunate that this has happened to you and her, and so early in your marriage. As stated before, when depressed, sex goes out the window. Its not you. Understand you are hurt and bewildered.
I applaud your efforts to spend time with her, to tell her she looks great and all that you do. Keep doing it. She may not seem to be responding, but it is worth your while to reinforce these thoughts to her.
She appears to be fine when with others, etc., because it is easier to fake it with others, and outside of the home, and on the phone. It just is. When at home, with your loved ones, and can let go of the facade, its like night and day. Depression is exhausting.
I think you should approach her about marriage counselling, or couples therapy. This is as devastating to you as her depression is to her. Start out by being calm and saying something about what you said here: "I'm trying to give 110% to make her feel better and support her, but it is getting so frustrating to deal with. I'm on the verge of breaking down everyday and it takes everything I have to not break down and give up. It's very exhausting and I'm not sure how people deal with this kind of emotional stress. It's like I have a roommate that I love and want more than anything, that doesn't even know I exist."
See how that goes. Give her a little time to think it over.
Take the next step and find out where you can get this counseling. Someone you know who's been there, a respected friend, pastor at church, your GP. She may not have the energy to do this. Then tell her that its what you want to do, and encourage her participation. If she won't go, go alone, get started.
And incidentally, some people are not so lucky with meds in that it takes a lot of trying with different ones. It also takes at least 4 wks for them to start working, and there are side effects. but you can still move forward.
Try and get this ball rolling, as the holidays are coming, offices are on a reduced schedule, people's needs for help increase around the holidays. Don't wait.
Hope that helps some.
Again, you are a great husband, sensitive, caring and concerned.
Wishing you success,
Sandy
BP II
Severe depression

"Do something everyday to make tomorrow better."

"One good change creates another."
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