My life has kind of spiraled downwards in the last 4 or 5 months.. I don't usually post long, drawn-out autobiographies but I feel like it will help me to let off some steam and get some input. Let's just say that everything took a turn for the worse in the summer.
I had a best friend. We had been best friends for years and had loads of fun together. However, she started to change (as people often do as they get older). Before I knew it, all she cared about was being "cool" - you know, spending 2 hours getting ready to go ANYWHERE (including SWIMMING!), pretending to like music she hated; the works. It wasn't necessarily all to be cool though, it was all about getting male attention. Obviously any girl likes to get a boys attention - it's natural. But it was getting to the point where she was sleeping around a lot (had slept with at least 15 guys in 2 years) and compromising me just so she could get a guy's attention.
She introduced me to my boyfriend last year. She pushed for us to date and was ecstatic when we did. Everything was okay, but as time went on she started giving me a hard time for "always being with my boyfriend". I could understand if it were true, but at the time I was only seeing my boyfriend once a week. I would try and make plans with her, but she would never put in the effort to make them happen - She always expected me to drive to her house (30 minutes away) and when I couldn't (gas money among other things) she'd get right pissed.
So in the summer we had a huge blowout. Months of pent-up frustration came to a head and we had a huge fight at a party we were all at. We haven't spoken since. On one hand this suits me just fine because I don't need a friend like her, who would leave me at a party all alone while she goes to have sex with some guy. A friend who constantly makes me feel guilty for not devoting 100% of my time and effort for hanging out with her. That's not a friend and I know this. But at the same time, I miss having a best friend.
In September, I left for school. I moved 2 and a half hours away from home. Right off the bat I knew I wouldn't like it. I've always had issues with making friends with other girls because I'm different from other girls my age. I'm not interested in putting on a skanky dress, getting wasted and acting fake and vapid. MTV doesn't interest me, drama doesn't interest me, and I couldn't care less if guys thought I was hot. Of course living in residence, this was 90% of the girls there. So naturally, because I have such issues with befriend other girls, I spent most of my time in my room while they drank their faces off and acted like idiots in general. This continued for weeks until the stress built so high and I had my first panic attack. I lost it completely, started thinking about suicide and eventually confided in my parents who begged me to just come home. So I did. I dropped out of school and came home and spent the next month hiding in my house having multiple panic attacks a day. The only time I ever went out was to hang out with friends (VERY seldomly) or to hang out with my boyfriend.
The panic has since subsided dramatically and now I'm just left depressed. The best friend I ever had is no longer in my life. I've dropped out of school. I can't find a job. All my other friends have moved away (literally all of them. By moved away I also mean anywhere from 3 hours away to the other side of the country). All I have now is my boyfriend and it makes me feel pathetic. I have no life. I sit in my room all day every day because I live in the middle of nowhere and there's nowhere for me to go. Sometimes I go for walks but they don't help. I have hobbies and they are distractions but they don't change the fact that I'm lonely and I can safely say that I hate what my life has become. The medication helps keep the extreme feelings and thoughts at bay but can't do anything for the fact that I'm lonely and pathetic.
Sorry for the long post. It feels good to get it down in writing, though. If you took the time to read this, thank you. I know it all sounds like meaningless teen angst but it doesn't change the fact that instead of having the time of my life like kids my age should be, I'm wasting away in my house.