Terribly lonely, spend most days in my room.

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Lululiya
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2010
Total Posts : 104
   Posted 11/16/2010 11:38 PM (GMT -6)   
My life has kind of spiraled downwards in the last 4 or 5 months.. I don't usually post long, drawn-out autobiographies but I feel like it will help me to let off some steam and get some input. Let's just say that everything took a turn for the worse in the summer.

I had a best friend. We had been best friends for years and had loads of fun together. However, she started to change (as people often do as they get older). Before I knew it, all she cared about was being "cool" - you know, spending 2 hours getting ready to go ANYWHERE (including SWIMMING!), pretending to like music she hated; the works. It wasn't necessarily all to be cool though, it was all about getting male attention. Obviously any girl likes to get a boys attention - it's natural. But it was getting to the point where she was sleeping around a lot (had slept with at least 15 guys in 2 years) and compromising me just so she could get a guy's attention.

She introduced me to my boyfriend last year. She pushed for us to date and was ecstatic when we did. Everything was okay, but as time went on she started giving me a hard time for "always being with my boyfriend". I could understand if it were true, but at the time I was only seeing my boyfriend once a week. I would try and make plans with her, but she would never put in the effort to make them happen - She always expected me to drive to her house (30 minutes away) and when I couldn't (gas money among other things) she'd get right pissed.

So in the summer we had a huge blowout. Months of pent-up frustration came to a head and we had a huge fight at a party we were all at. We haven't spoken since. On one hand this suits me just fine because I don't need a friend like her, who would leave me at a party all alone while she goes to have sex with some guy. A friend who constantly makes me feel guilty for not devoting 100% of my time and effort for hanging out with her. That's not a friend and I know this. But at the same time, I miss having a best friend.

In September, I left for school. I moved 2 and a half hours away from home. Right off the bat I knew I wouldn't like it. I've always had issues with making friends with other girls because I'm different from other girls my age. I'm not interested in putting on a skanky dress, getting wasted and acting fake and vapid. MTV doesn't interest me, drama doesn't interest me, and I couldn't care less if guys thought I was hot. Of course living in residence, this was 90% of the girls there. So naturally, because I have such issues with befriend other girls, I spent most of my time in my room while they drank their faces off and acted like idiots in general. This continued for weeks until the stress built so high and I had my first panic attack. I lost it completely, started thinking about suicide and eventually confided in my parents who begged me to just come home. So I did. I dropped out of school and came home and spent the next month hiding in my house having multiple panic attacks a day. The only time I ever went out was to hang out with friends (VERY seldomly) or to hang out with my boyfriend.

The panic has since subsided dramatically and now I'm just left depressed. The best friend I ever had is no longer in my life. I've dropped out of school. I can't find a job. All my other friends have moved away (literally all of them. By moved away I also mean anywhere from 3 hours away to the other side of the country). All I have now is my boyfriend and it makes me feel pathetic. I have no life. I sit in my room all day every day because I live in the middle of nowhere and there's nowhere for me to go. Sometimes I go for walks but they don't help. I have hobbies and they are distractions but they don't change the fact that I'm lonely and I can safely say that I hate what my life has become. The medication helps keep the extreme feelings and thoughts at bay but can't do anything for the fact that I'm lonely and pathetic.

Sorry for the long post. It feels good to get it down in writing, though. If you took the time to read this, thank you. I know it all sounds like meaningless teen angst but it doesn't change the fact that instead of having the time of my life like kids my age should be, I'm wasting away in my house.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 11/17/2010 9:05 AM (GMT -6)   
I agree with It's Genetic,

What about starting back at school, as she said for the arts. People like that are different as you may have already noticed. They are into what they are doing and not into makeing impressions or partying all the time, though a few might. So think about it and let us know what you come up with. It doesn't have to be right away, but it is something to think about for the future.

I hope that you find what you are looking for. KNow that you are a special person and that there are a lot of shallow people out there. I admire you for doing your own thing, that makes you cool.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Lululiya
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2010
Total Posts : 104
   Posted 11/18/2010 3:41 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you both, very much. I appreciate the kind words. Dropping out of school isn't really my problem though.. It upset me a bit, but I already have a plan to go back (closer to home) and I know what I want to take. At this point my biggest issue is that I'm not in school, don't have a job, all my friends have moved away.. So because I'm never out and involved in something, I can't even make new friends.

Sorry for the pity party! lol it's just good to vent sometimes you know?
“The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of because words diminish your feelings - words shrink things that seem timeless when they are in your head to no more than living size when they are brought out.”

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 11/18/2010 4:51 PM (GMT -6)   
Though it may take some time, you will make new friends. Eventually you are going to be doing your own thing and somewhere down the line you will make a friend. I have made many good friends here which I email with daily. Some of them aren't on the forum anymore, but we still keep in touch. Though I know you are talking about meeting people and doing things with them. That is a little tougher, but not impossible. You meet people when you least expect it. In the grocery store, walking down the street. It is really inevitable(sp). So be patient, and be ready to make new friends at anytime. I wish you luck with this. It will happen though.

I hope that you have had a good day.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies
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