i just want to die

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engraved
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2010
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 11/18/2010 1:44 PM (GMT -6)   
i don't know, i can't take it anymore.  if it's not one thing, it's another.  i'm a complete miserable failure at work, i'm reminded every single day.  everything i do is wrong, they make me feel incompetent, hell they've even told me i'm incompetent before.  but, i can't quit.  i really can't quit even if i wanted to.  not for another 3 1/2 years, and if they kick me out...well, that will ruin the rest of my life, and other jobs as well.  it will be on my permanent record forever. i feel so stuck.  and my husband used to be a happy go lucky guy.  he used to be happy...until we got married.  now all he does is tell me how miserable he is and how b/c he had to move he doesn't have any friends and how he's always angry these days.  i'm a failure at work, i'm a failure at home, my husband gets angry over everything, weve only been married less than a year!   i can't even confide in my parents b/c my dad is "proud" of me, and i don't want to tell him i'm a failure and how much trouble i'm in, becuase i don't want to embarass him or ruin the illsusion that i'm not ok.  and my mother...well, she'll pretty much tell me she knew i was a failure all along.  that's what she's told me virtually all my life.  that'd i'd never amount to anything, and i think she's right.  god knows i've tried, but i can't.  i don't even have a good friend to talk to things about...i'm just waisting away.  i've tried to make friends, but every single friend i do make ends up using me for one thing or another, and then stops being friends with me when they don't need it anymore. my heart is heavy, i don't know how much i can take of this.

MMMNAVY
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 6927
   Posted 11/18/2010 2:00 PM (GMT -6)   
Big Hugs ((((((((((((((((((((engraved))))))))))))))))) I am so sorry you feel so badly. Life sounds like it is really hard right now.
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worriedgirl
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1196
   Posted 11/18/2010 2:17 PM (GMT -6)   
you are strong, you can do it, i know how you feel as i am going through virtually the same thing. i dont have time to fully respond as i am headed to hell soon myself, but check out the i cant do this anymore thread and even go back a few pages to the im gonna snap thread and you will see that we are in the same boat. feel free to email me and ill respond later tonight when i get off work
The only person who can make you happy is you. Be your own self and love who you are because each and every one of you are wonderful for who you are
 
"No one really dies because they have loved. Because they love they stay in the hearts of the people they have touched so in that their memory lives on." Ghost whisperer-i know corny but this touched me deep down and i see so much truth in it.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42284
   Posted 11/18/2010 2:23 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Engraved,

Welcome to the HealingWell Depression forum. I see you have already been greeted by some of our fine members. You will definately find that you aren't alone here as we all have some baggage on our shoulders.

I would like to point out though that you are going through the "all or nothing thinking". Try not to do that. Try to have faith that it isn't the end of the world for you. There are many other options out there. I am not saying it is going to be easy if you lose your job, but it can be fixed. Maybe you would get another job, one that you are more happy at. Hopefully it wont come to that. But remember if it does, life does go on. And it can be pleasant.

I hope that you continue to post. You have come to a very good site. Keep trying, never give up on yourself.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

engraved
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2010
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 11/18/2010 3:00 PM (GMT -6)   
i sent you an email, worriedgirl. thxs, everyone else. it does seem like the end of the world, though. i can't do work right, i can't do being married right, i can't do being a daughter right, i'm not even been giving the chance of being a friend right. i'm am curious as to what these other "options" are. i've alredy been diagnosed with depression, i've already been talking to therapists, i'm already on medication. i don't know what else i can do.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42284
   Posted 11/18/2010 3:21 PM (GMT -6)   
Life is full of options, but they don't always come to us. We have to find them. All of us here are going to counseling and or taking medications. Sometimes the medications aren't right for us. We have to find what is right. There are other jobs out there, but you have to look. You might should be doing that before you lose this job if you do. It isn't the end of the world, though it may feel like it is. I can only offer advice, not all the answers. We learn as we grow. I am sure that you aren't an awful wife, or friend. I am sure you are loved by those around you. Try to cheer up. We are all in the same boat as you are.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Lululiya
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2010
Total Posts : 104
   Posted 11/18/2010 3:21 PM (GMT -6)   
I know how you feel. Really, I do. Why do you say you're a failure at work? I always felt like a failure at any of my jobs because I felt like other people though I was slow, incompetent.. Anything I said, people would give me the "look" and talk to me like I was a kid. It was to the point that I was so stressed about messing up, that I started messing up more. It's a vicious circle, it really is. The only way I get through it is reminding myself that my job is not my life. Yes, you have to go every and you have to see these people every day. But as long as you know that you do what you can and you're not incompetent, then F them. They can't fire you unless you give them a reason to (excessive absenteeism, etc) so I have full confidence that if you just stick it out and do what you can, the next 3 years (which sounds like forever, I know!) will be over and you can move forward!

As for the friends issue.. I'm going through the exact same thing and I haven't figured it out yet, either. I wish I could help you more with that :( I know how hard it is. It's constantly on my mind and it really brings ya down...But if your husband is feeling the same way, why don't you both go take a class or something together? You'll be sure to meet other people, the both of you! I know it sounds like blind optimism but it really is worth a shot.. I used to blow off everything people suggested to me but honestly, giving it a try helps even if you don't get what you hoped for.

I really hope things start to look up for you. It's a drag (understatement) and life can be a B sometimes, but you can always bounce back. Keep us posted!
“The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of because words diminish your feelings - words shrink things that seem timeless when they are in your head to no more than living size when they are brought out.”

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42284
   Posted 11/18/2010 3:55 PM (GMT -6)   
Lululiya,

Very well worded post. You seem to truly understand what Engraved is talking about and it really means a lot when that happens. At least you both know that you aren't alone. I am seeing good things happening here and that really makes my day good. Thank you for your post and thank you for sharing and understanding.
 
I know that Worriedgirl understands too, she is going through a similar also.  It is hard when we depend on our jobs to keep us going but we aren't happy with them.  I am a little slow, but I keep things moving and do the best that I can.  That is all we can do.  And as long as the employer sees that we are trying the best we can, I don't think that our job is at risk.  As long as we have a good boss, right Worriedgirl?  I am sorry that you don't have that. 

Many hugs to all of you.

Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Post Edited (getting by) : 11/18/2010 2:58:44 PM (GMT-7)


Sasta Anois
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 25
   Posted 11/18/2010 4:31 PM (GMT -6)   
I only have a minute but wanted to let you know from yet another person, you are not alone. When so many things are going wrong, it can be really tough to focus on anything that is going right...or at least not wrong. A couple quotes help me get through times like these...


If you are going through hell, keep going. - W Churchill

Do what you can baby, and leave the rest. - Grandma

And the poem 'On Pain' by Kahil Gibran, especially the lines below

"Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain......

Much of your pain is self-chosen.
It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self."
Sometimes a day is too much to take at one time so instead of telling myself "Have a great day!", I say "When you can dahlin, have a happy now." I wish us all more happy nows.

Sasta Anois
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 25
   Posted 11/18/2010 4:32 PM (GMT -6)   
Oops, left out a letter.... It is Kahlil Gibran
Sasta Anois
Sometimes a day is too much to take at one time so instead of telling myself "Have a great day!", I say "When you can dahlin, have a happy now." I wish us all more happy nows.

givinguponit24
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2011
Total Posts : 138
   Posted 1/26/2011 2:10 PM (GMT -6)   
I like that poem by sasta.
You will get through this. I am living in a rough time engraved. I had to take a medical leave from school because of a harsh chemical imbalance. It threw my in the hospital and I wasnt lucky living in year 2010. It really stunk for me.
I lived through hell. Just like Winston Churchill and Charles Degualle they lived through jello it was like living through jello and right now with the economy alot of people are depressed.
You are not alone and will get through this. I have a friend who doesnt talk to me that much anymore and shes depressed from her dad and her cousin whom just died. I want you to know that you will find the right medication and the right psychiatrist.
Until then just hope and pray just pray that everything will be alright.
You just have to take life inch by inch. My aunt shirley said inch by inch life is a sinch. Yard by yard life is very hard.

Just put one foot in front of the other and you will be on the yellow brick road. Just follow that yellow brick road to that happy place.

sincerely, givinguponit24
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