Posted 11/19/2010 6:51 AM (GMT -7)
Hi. I don't usually post anonymously to forums like this when I have a problem, but I feel stuck and really could do with some outside perspective.
First of all, I want to clarify that this is not the first time I've felt like I've had depression. The first time I had depression was some years ago when I left school due to bullying, and I was left for around two years with nothing to do, until I was old enough to join college. I managed to beat off the depression without medication by practising meditation, gaining some spiritual insight and purpose. I wasted most of my days playing video games, just procrastinating, feeling bad, until I learnt to stop myself, and started to learn to love myself and accept why things happen. I have a very obsessive brain, in that I can overthink things wildly which I think is mostly due to my vivid imagination and lack of rationality. This obsessiveness varies, and I manage to keep it undercontrol by not struggling. Anyway, after my time alone in the house, I overcame my mild agoraphobia, and studied art at college for 3 years (Which was not easy as I had anxiety for the first year). I did very well at college, getting top marks for everything, and I enjoyed myself. I felt like I had a purpose in my life, and depression was far from my mind.
I will get round to pregnancy in a bit, but i think the back story is important. In my second year of college, I met a guy who was significally older than me on the internet. He had suffered with depression too, so he understood somewhat how I felt. I started seeing him for a few weeks, but I never slept with him. I was a virgin at the time. He was married, and had children, so eventually my senses came to me and I realised that I did not love this man, I was just glad for some male attention. I realised how selfish I was by stringing him along, so I stopped seeing him. Not long after, I made a pen pal online with a man who was around my age and he happened to be spanish, studying london. We had a lot in common in that we shared the same spiritual views, and just seemed to 'click'. Eventually we met, and developed a relationship. And, eventually, he had to go back to Spain. I spent the 3rd year of college going to visit him in Spain, and he coming to england to visit me. It was difficult as we hardly got to see each other, only on conversations on skype every day.
At the end of my third year, I had to decide whether I wanted to go to university or not. I was in two minds. I wanted to, but at the same time, I did not want to. There was one university which I really wanted to get into as it was one of the best in the country for what I wanted to do (Illustration). However, the problem was, was that it was 6-7 hours away from any major airport being isolated and literally near 'lands end'. I didn't get into the university, so I had nothing to worry, right?
I went to Spain, naturally, to be with my boyfriend. He had a flat there, that we could both live in. Some weeks after being in Spain, I received an email saying that some places had opened up in the university, and they had given me a place. My family and everyone wanted me to go. But I was not sure. I was sure that it would be the end of me and my boyfriend, that we would split up if only to make it easier for ourselves . I estimated if I went there to study, I'd only get to see him once or twice a year, mainly as well for the monetary costs. And also, I was not convinced I wanted to study. I started to feel the urges to become a mother, and these urges got stronger every month that my period came, so much so that I became a bit obsessed, and would cry every time my period came.
Me and my boyfriend talked about starting a family. He did not want to at first, as he was scared about making the wrong choice, and me regretting not going to uni. However, eventually he agreed as he saw how much I wanted to be a mother. I fell pregnant not long after.
I expected that I would feel elated, overjoyed and all those lovely feelings. However, I did not. I felt normal most days. And some weeks after falling pregnant, my boyfriend got offered a good job in the capital city. Naturally, he took the job.
Now, here starts the depression. My boyfriend getting the job meant a lot of things. It means that I am alone in the house from 7 am to 7.30 pm most days, with no outside contact apart from talking to my boyfriend by phone, or my family in england. It means that again, I am stuck in the house, except that this time it is worse. I don't speak very good spanish, as I was never taught it in school and have only learnt some from my boyfriend. Since I dont have much confidence, I can't communicate with anyone, and thus the fear of going outside is increased (I don't even communicate with my boyfriends family, only his nephew when his nephew is alone, as he's only 4 years old and I'm not afraid of making mistakes in front of him). I don't go outside in the day as I feel so scared to talk to anyone in spanish, and I feel crippled that I can't even do simple things like buy food from the supermarket. I've also almost completely lost the desire to create art, even though I want to continue with my dream of becoming an illustrator. Depression was bad when I was young, and alone, but now it's even worse and dreadful considering i'm pregnant and supposed to be nurturing a life. I feel so bad for life inside me, that he has to go through this too and I doubt my ability to be a mother when I can't even leave my house or speak the language of the country that I live in. I wouldn't change my decision to be a mother, as it felt right for me and still does feel right for me, however, I wish that this could be the most enjoyable experiences of my life, not one of the hardest. I don't know how to get past the barriers that I have, as most days I lack the motivation to do anything but the necessary to survive (cook, clean..) and even then, I find that hard and wake up late most days. I just feel really sorry for this baby, even though I love it with my whole heart, I can't help but thinking that someone out there desperately wanting to have children would be a much better mother than me.