Hey everyone. I just discovered this message board while on a quest for a safe, nonjudgmental environment for people to discuss their emotions and/or thoughts. I hope you guys can welcome a younger person (I'm sixteen.)
I guess I'm going to vent about how I've been feeling, even if everyone chooses to skim right past this. I guess I'll start with this: I had a best friend. A best friend I met online, talked to for years, and when my parents had agreed, she visited my house last summer for two months in one period, then came back the next month for about that whole month, if I'm remembering correctly. We were best friends. Texted everyday when she wasn't here. I had tried before talking to her about how I've been feeling, but she always changed the topic to her. I usually had no problem discussing her issues, but on occasion - rare occasions that practically never occurred - I wanted to talk about me. I eventually gave up mentioning anything at all to her. When I wouldn't respond to her text messages some days, she'd instantly be offended. I'd say, "It's just one of those days for me." And she'd say, "I'm your best friend, you should talk to me about it, ect. ect." but I couldn't. That really has not much of anything to do with how I've been feeling, but I just threw that in there to have the next thing I'm going to say have more meaning. I started distancing myself from her. As I started distancing myself from other things. We started talking less and less, and I will fully admit it, it was my fault that we parted ways. And now, because I severed ties with our friendship rather suddenly, I feel like I can't take on a responsibility of being a best friend right now. Not while I'm being selfish. Not while I'm still trying to figure my own self out.
Since I've lost my best friend, I've been the same way. My mom thinks I'm suffering through a minor bout of depression. I tell her that that's false. I think "depression" is an extremely heavy word, and having seen my mother suffer through it and currently still is, I know what strong toll it takes mentally, physically and emotionally. I don't think I'm there yet. However, I do get this strange feeling that intrudes on me from time-to-time. I'm scared I'm unable to satisfy.
I used to know, straight down-the-line, what it'd take to make me happy. I could just see it. But sitting here, in my room, imagining my life played out exactly how I always wanted it, leaves me with a bitter feeling. It's not what I want anymore. And that scares me. Because if that won't make me happy, what on earth possibly could?
On another note, I am angry with myself. I am angry that I still feel unhappy, when I've got more than enough to be jumping for joy. I have a family that I love more than I can say, and to me, they're all I really need. So why do I get this feeling that despite everything I have that I don't deserve, I'm so incredibly sad? How can I make it go away?
Thank you for reading. Any and all opinions are greatly appreciated. Love, Carrie.