First time actually trying out a forum

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

Space_Oddity8807
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2010
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 11/22/2010 11:52 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi...

This is first time ever posting on an online forum. A close friend recommended it to me, saying it could be very therapeutic, but I must say that I feel a bit silly rambling on about my problems to complete strangers. Anyways...

A little about me, I suppose. I'm a 22 year-old male medical student in Montreal on leave for a master's in biomedical engineering. I've completed three years of medicine so far, and once my master's is complete around August, I'll be entering clinical clerkships. I'm a very friendly, caring person, always looking to chat, smiling as much as I can. I am also a huge animal lover, which is why I've been a vegetarian for about 10 years now.

I guess my main problem is I've never had a girlfriend in my entire life. Come to think of it, I've never been on a date either. I've been aware of this problem for a long time, and for a while I kept mum about it, until I couldn't take it anymore and started talking to my friends about it. They told me basic stuff like: "It'll happen when you least expect it", "Don't worry, the right one will come along", "Don't look or you'll never find one", "Try doing more activities", etc. Some pieces of advice were great. Others were pretty demoralizing. My friends sometimes made me feel as if I should have been ashamed of myself for wanting to be in a relationship, even though I always reasoned that we as human beings were designed to desire love through some neuro-hormonal mechanism I have yet to fully understand. Nonetheless, I felt guilty about wanting a girlfriend. That was about a year ago. Since then, I've tried approaching various women, all attempts ending badly. That only made things worse. I felt as if I wasn't worthy to show any romantic interest.

At that point, I decided to consult a family doctor, who referred me to a therapist. I still see my therapist frequently, and about after starting therapy, we both decided that an antidepressant therapy might be worth trying, so she wrote a note to my doctor and I've been on Celexa for a few months now. They're not magic pills, and we agreed that they were only a stepping stone to recovery and that the majority of the healing process would require determination and hard work. Since then, I've been going out more, not necessarily with the intent of finding a girlfriend, but doing things that make me happy and that I hope would eventually attract the right person. The pills helped in that they gave me the energy boost necessary to take initiative, and my coping skills were much better. Also, my therapist is an angel and consulting her was one of the best things I ever did.

I started volunteering for causes I believe in (vegetarian societies, Amnesty International, etc.), staying active, delving into music (I'm taking guitar lessons soon and I took up saxophone again after having abandoned it when I started medical school. Before then, I had played for five years). I even started model building, a hobby I have been trying to take up for about three years now, and I love it! For a while, I felt better about myself, and then I started casually approaching women who came my way naturally, but it was always the same story: "I have a boyfriend", "You're nice but let's just stay friends", "I don't have time for anyone except friends". To make matters worse, my best friend from med school, who was single for a long time, recently found herself a boyfriend, and now I don't see her anymore. My friends are all finding partners and are getting on with their lives, and I'm struggling to find new friends to fill the void since they no longer have time for me, but nothing seems to work. Everyone has seemed to have moved on, and I am left standing alone. Even people who claim to be friends only stick around because they think I'm a good, caring listener. But after life gets better for them, they leave me behind never to speak to me again, as if I never mattered. My parents live in Quebec City, so I don't see them often. I'm not particularly close with my roommates (we get along though), so I pretty much live alone.

Even though I've tried to do everything I can to improve myself, to become who I want to be, I always fall short. It's as if this is the best I'll ever do. Life will become way more demanding professionally once clerkships start, so now I truly feel as if I'll probably be alone for the rest of my life. I'll admit that what I've always dreamt of was finding a fantastic woman with whom I'd fall in love and start a wonderful family, but I'm starting to think that that will never happen. That being the case, and given that I've tried everything, from not looking and focusing on myself to looking, and that single women appear to be non-existent past the age of 20, I think I'll have to focus on accepting loneliness and making the most of it. I never thought it would come to this, so I suppose my big question would be: "What is the best way of coping?" We has human beings are not meant to be alone, so how does one go about reversing this programming?

Space_Oddity8807
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2010
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 11/22/2010 11:59 AM (GMT -6)   
The first sentence of my post is grammatically incorrect. It should read: "This is my first time ever posting on an online forum". Sorry :-).

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42439
   Posted 11/22/2010 3:09 PM (GMT -6)   
We tend to find things when we are least looking for them. I suggest you just continue to do your thing. Take life one day at a time, do the best that you can. I feel like you expect a lot out of yourself at times. Maybe you should give yourself a break and be thankful for what you are doing and not expect so much out of yourself. We are all only human as they say. Keep posting. This is a cool place to come to.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Space_Oddity8807
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2010
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 11/22/2010 4:52 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks for the feedback, Karen. Your answer really got me thinking. I would love to take a break from it all, but there are couples everywhere I go, even at school. It's hard to not want something when it's all around you. Everything would be easier if I had friends who I could rely on, but everyone's busy. If I could somehow convince myself that I don't need anyone, not even a girlfriend, if I could somehow convince myself that I don't want any form of affection, my life would be so much easier.

I thought of a solution as I was reading your reply. What if I just shut myself away from everyone? Just not talk to anyone for as long as I can (except my thesis supervisor. I can't really get around not talking to him)? Maybe the problem is that when I approach people, I always get the impression that I could make a new friend, and that gets my hopes up. I know it sounds radical (even antisocial), but maybe cutting off communication with everyone is what I need right now. I can't really pretend that I don't want a girlfriend and doing so would be silly and pointless, so this sounds like a good alternative. What do you think?

Once again, thanks a million for the feedback :-). You have no idea how relieving it is to be able to talk to someone who understands, even if it's on an online forum.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42439
   Posted 11/22/2010 5:09 PM (GMT -6)   
I feel like you feel that this is an all or nothing situation. I don't think that secluding yourself from others is the answer. You want to put yourself out there. But in a way that isn't screaming "Help, I want a girlfriend". Just be yourself. It is just that it always happens when you least expect it and it is often the last person you would expect. There are times when things do just click. But you have to have exposure to run acrossed things like that.

Decide what type of a girl that you would like would be. Go to places where you would most likely find that type of person. Such as a library or a coffee shop. Grocery stores are good. I guess. Some people meet in bars. You can really happen on a person anywhere. You never know. Just be you. Take life as it comes, go with the flow. Relax. It will happen.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 11/22/2010 5:22 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello and Welcome to HealingWell.
 
I understand your concerns but please don't beat yourself up over it and Karen is right.  You will meet someone when you least expect it however for now just be yourself and know you are a good and caring person.  Sometimes when we focus our attention solely on one thing  we miss out on what could be there that we arent looking for. Its like looking into the future and not moving to get there.
 
Basically what i'm saying is, enjoy the different people you come across all the time.  Remain that good person that you are  and people that choose to take the time to get to know you and appreciate your demeanor, those are the ones you should want around because they accept you for you.
 
Grow through every experience and move forward. We are by your side in spirit.
 
Kindly,
Kitt

~~Kitt~~
Moderator: Anxiety/Panic, Osteoarthritis, GERD/Heartburn and Heart/Cardiovascular Disease.
www.healingwell.com

"If you can't change the world, change your world"
New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
Forum Information
Currently it is Saturday, June 23, 2018 12:08 PM (GMT -6)
There are a total of 2,974,521 posts in 326,186 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 161286 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, BUCKEYEBILL.
364 Guest(s), 9 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
California Dreamer, Balladeer, Serenity Now, The Dude Abides, Mark FW, Fairwind, quincy, Tall Allen, straydog