My bosse's house...

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hw_chelsi
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 151
   Posted 11/22/2010 3:41 PM (GMT -6)   
I am sort of a position in which I do not want to be in.  I am afraid it will come down to making a very tough decision that I cannot make.  Since the first of September, when I go into town, I stay at my bosses house.  It started out because I had to have surgery (they removed 3 bones from my left wrist which had been broken).  The bedroom I was using has a queen size bed and I had to keep my hand propped up.  My bed at my dads is my old twin bed.  I still need to keep it propped up at night as it helps cut down on the pain during the day.  My sister lives with my dad and we get along when we are not around each other much.  I proposed to my boss, that if I could stay at their place during the weekends and if I had to come in during the week, I would help take care of her 97 y/o mom who lives with them.  She is pretty alert and mainly the greatest help she needs is going to the bathroom.  I have grown very attached to her and vice versa.  I call her grandma.  I really enjoy taking care of her.  It helps with my depression.  Here is where the problem comes in.  Alot of times when my best friend wants to go and do something, either I can't or I can't spend as much time out and about if I am in town.  This does not bother me, in fact it is helping me save money.  Well yesterday I was talking to her as I was being accused of doing something at their house (feeding their dog who is already overweight), which I do not do at all.  It is my bosses husband who is saying this.  He is also my boss.  Well my friend told me that my  hand was healed enough that I no longer needed to stay over at my bosses house anymore.  What I am afraid of is that it could come to deciding on keep on doing what I am doing, which makes me happy and I want to do, or tell my bosses I can no longer help them and stay over there, in order to keep my friends.  This is eating me up inside  I have a very tough time making decisions as it is and this is one decision I made...the offer to help take care of grandma.  Now everyone it seems wants to tell me what to do.  I know if I quit staying at my bosses house and helping out, I am going to be misreable, yet if I chose to stay and be happy, I may lose my friends.  My friend was all for it at first.  But maybe she thinks I should not stay and help with grandma and quit becasue she insists my hand if fine, even though the dr. says it could take up to a year.
 
Thanks!
 
Chelsi
 
Chelsi, I gave your thread a title... Karen...

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 11/22/2010 2:57:34 PM (GMT-7)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42434
   Posted 11/22/2010 3:56 PM (GMT -6)   
Do you feel obligated to stay at your bosse's house? Because you shouldn't. You should have a life of your own. I don't understand why you keep staying there. Helping with Grandma puts more strain on your hand doesn't it? Does it comfort you to stay there? You put up with a lot of stuff when you do. I just wonder if you should have some time with your friends or you might end up resenting your boss. Or are you kind of helping them out? Either way, you do need some you time. Do something with your friends once in awhile. It would do you good. Either way you go is fine. I don't see any delema, but it may be to you because you are so close to your boss and her husband. But you do take a lot of crap from them too. IDK... I just want to see you happy. How is your dad???

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

hw_chelsi
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 151
   Posted 11/22/2010 4:19 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Karen,
 
Thanks for putting a title on it.  I totally forgot to.
 
I do not feel obligated to stay at their house.  It started out that I would come for an evening every now and then to sit with grandma when they went out.  Both my bosses are very busy.  I thoroughly enjoy being with grandma.  And while I am not getting paid, I think of it as making money since I am not out spending that much.  Yes, I do feel somewhat close to her, not so much with him.  See, sometime back she told me I was like part of the family.  She is 11 years older than I am and has never had kids.  My mom passed away when I was 24.  She is like a play mom to me.  My family growing up was close and we always spent holidays together, and while it was not a large family (extended such as grandparents, cousins ect.) it was large enough.  Now everyone is pretty much gone on my moms side except my uncle and their 3 kids who are all married and live in Texas.  My sister and I have never really gotten along very well.  She lives here with my dad and her husband will be moving  here in a year or two.  From things that have been said by my sister, I feel as if when my dad is gone, I will be on my own.  She used to say she would never let me be homeless.  She and her husband, while not rich, have done fairly well.  Now she is saying that when they buy a house here, I will not be allowed to stay overnight ever, even on holidays and weekends.  I live about 30 miles away from friends and family.  My boss has sort of opened their home to me.  I will admit she gets on my nerves at times, but am sure not nearly as often as I do hers.  I do understand the possibility of resentment, and yes, there has been a tiny bit but that is going to happen in any situation.  This is something I chose and offered to do.  I want for her and her husband to be able to go out sometimes.  Unless it is for a very short period of time, they cannot leave grandma alone.  I think at times she is pretty protective of me and she will get on me and I may end up in tears.  But I know down deep it is because she really does not have a free minute to herself.  She usually will go swimming for a short period most days. and right now it is worse because she is a professor at the community college and the semester will be ending soon and when I am not there on weekends or evenings, she spends alot of time taking care of her mom.  This does not leave her alot of time to do what she needs to.  Our biggest issues are that we come from two totally different lifestyles.  I have never made much money.  She is a professor and he is an atty.  They are a generation in front of me.  Helping others has always been a strong thing for me.  But I agree, I do need to spend time with my friends too.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 11/22/2010 4:21 PM (GMT -6)   
Chelsi,
 
Hello and I am sorry your having issues again with your bosses.  I am also sorry your friends are putting you in a position where you have to choose.  I am not sure that these friends are true friends if they have backed you into a corner.
 
I am wondering why you have chosen to become so involved with your bosses as you have been having trouble with them for a long time ?  You posted  back in May of 2010 and I am including part of one post here to help you remember. :-)
 
Even thow  you decided that you could  build a friendship with your boss, there will be times when the professional relationship is strained because of the personal relationship, and vice versa. As much as you try to compartmentalize different aspects of your friendship, issues at the office and at home are bound to get in the way.
 
This previous post may help you recall that you have had issues in the past with your bosses and perhaps it is time to pull back and start staying at your Dad's as it has been three months at your bosses.  You could use the pillow at your Dad's to elevate the hand. 
 
Chelsi said...
 I am also going thru a depression for several reasons, dealing with my dad who is getting dementia, my job, my bosses who seem to jump on me for every little thing.  She (one of my bosses) said she told me she needed some info a while back but I do not remember that at all.  I have heard that sometimes a person with ADHD can be carrying on a conversation with someone and that person may say something that will totally go over a person's head or what I have heard called a "blip".  I have been under a fair amount of stress lately.  My boss says that because I am depressed and forgetful my meds are not working and wants me to tell my dr.  I personally don't believe that the meds really have much to do with it.  Even if you are on  antidepressent meds, is it possible to still get depressed?  Her husband, my other boss told me yesterday if I did not understand something (too long a story) then I can no longer be the manager.  Well, she has told me I have job security.  I don't think I will lose my job, but his comments like this really bother me.  He has mentioned talking to me about my job one other time and I thought I would be gone that day.  Its been over a year.  Even though I know not to believe him in alot of things, he still says things that bother me and I cannnot help it.

~~Kitt~~
Moderator: Anxiety/Panic, Osteoarthritis, GERD/Heartburn and Heart/Cardiovascular Disease.
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Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2317
   Posted 11/22/2010 4:33 PM (GMT -6)   
Chelsi,
I worry about whether it will be too much strain on your relationship with your boss to have no time apart from each other. I know when I was in college I was roommates with someone who reported to me & it did put a strain on our relationship. In a normal business relationship, you can take a "mental health day" by calling in sick. But when you live with the person, it makes it a lot harder b/c I knew she wasn't actually sick, she just didn't feel like going into work that day. I tried to cover for her but I took a lot of flack for being short-staffed & then came home and basically gave her the silent treatment.
So she turned it on me & snapped at me for not doing my laundry in a couple weeks (which never bothered her before). So I think it's just tough to not have any time to yourself.

But if you feel like the strain about the dog can be resolved, then maybe it's time to find some friends in town. If you're truly happier being out of your dad's place, your friends should support you. I think the main thing is to make sure that you do have some time for your own interests. I agree with Karen that if your whole life revolves around your boss & her family, you are likely to end up resenting her. Balance is key. :)

hugz & prayers,
frances

worriedgirl
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1208
   Posted 11/22/2010 4:48 PM (GMT -6)   
from experience with befriending bosses it can turn and backfire on you and i feel that you are getting way in over your head. i befriended my comanager and now he treats me like crap because now i refuse to kiss his butt and jump when he says jump. now i cant do anything about this guy because of making that mistake, which i will never do again. work needs to stay at work. i think that you can still help with the mom without staying at their house. you need to sit with your sister and find out why she is feeling the way she is. maybe you said something mistakenly or maybe a rumor was spread that was a lie. please dont make the mistakes i made
The only person who can make you happy is you. Be your own self and love who you are because each and every one of you are wonderful for who you are
 
"No one really dies because they have loved. Because they love they stay in the hearts of the people they have touched so in that their memory lives on." Ghost whisperer-i know corny but this touched me deep down and i see so much truth in it.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42434
   Posted 11/22/2010 5:02 PM (GMT -6)   
Chelsi,

Think long and hard about this. I think that Kitt makes a very good point. Think back to where you were having a hard time with them. There is nothing wrong with helping them out once and a while and taking care of grandma so that they can go out. But don't make a habit of it, as they could easily start using you. They might be doing that now. If you stay with your dad, you have the option of going to see them and help if you want, and time to do some things with your friends too. If that is what you would rather do. Maybe you don't. And it is totally up to you. But familiarity breeds contempt. You spend a lot of time with them. I see it is like a second family, but as I said in my last post, you could eventually resent them. But you know in your heart what you want to do. I don't want to think that you are secluding yourself either. You need to get out. And for some reason I kept thinking that they(your bosses) were much older than they are. Oh well. I hope that you work this out. You have gotten some very good advice from other members. Do what is right for you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies
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