sorry, I lost track of my own thread that I started. The whole reason i started the Bully topic was, like I said, I kept reading about it and seeing things on TV. And also, I have been spending massive amounts of time lately with my mother, who was married to the ####head I mentioned as being a bully. I get kind of stressed out being around her, she is elderly and rather disabled and getting a bit feeble-minded, and I have taken on a lot of financial responsibility related to her.
Sometimes I just feel like, why am I helping her, she never stood up to her husband and she let him say all kinds of mean things to people, and I think turned a blind eye to other abuse as well. She was passed out drunk all the time when I needed her. And now I am like the only person in the family helping her. So, that is where I am coming from.
Sometimes I do feel like I am leaning toward being depressed and anxious again, but I just don't feel like seeking out a counselor. I have talked, and talked and talked to counselors in probably hundreds of sessions over nearly 20 years and well, I'm sick of talking about it. I do wish my life was different, and I have tried, but I always kind of fall back into the same patterns. I seem to go around and around in circles. I have trouble making and keeping friends, that is the big thing, and I end up not enjoying life that much because I don't have many people to hang out with.
I don't really like my job, I feel like I am smart enough that I could be doing something else. But I stick it out, even though my pay just got cut this year and there's always the threat of some financial disaster because of the industry that we are in. We work in a filthy gloomy building and my colleagues are mostly baby boomers who are always having some horrible personal crisis, like a death in the family or some awful medical problem.
I am so frustrated with what I feel are my shortcomings, and now to add to it, I have gotten a rather disturbing medical diagnosis this year. I have been in daily pain (albeit mild) for a good part of this year, and the condition just isn't going away and my doctor doesn't expect it to.
so, that's what's going on. Blah.
Reactive arthritis, diagnosed 2010. Hypertension. Taking Methotrexate, Norvasc, Mobic. Former user of SSRIs and various mental health providers for anxiety, depression.