how to move on

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laiza
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2010
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 11/28/2010 1:50 PM (GMT -6)   
may boyfriend and I just broke up.we have been together for 8 years already. We've been through a lot. We've encountered problems here and there, mosty because of his immaturity and being irresponsible but we always get back together. He's hurt me a lot but I've forgiven him for everything. However, just a month ago...he told me that he wants to break up with me because he wants to change himself. He said there's no one new in his life. He just want to grow up and he doesn't want to hurt me anymore. Im not yet ready to let him go because I feel that I could take the pain as long as he is there. I cried. I beg him not to go...but he's made up his mind. He said he doesn't want to hear me begging for he will come back when he is ready...I got tired of sending him unanswered messages and cancelled phone calls...I just let him go...Now, Im in the process of moving on and fixing myself...I tried asking myself many times what was wrong with me...8 wasted years...I tried my best...but still he left me...with nothing...not even my pride...I still love him...love him so much that it painsme everyday...I dont know how to move on...Where should I start...I love him very much...and even until now...I still can't let go the memories of him...Im really depress..I think Im having withdrawal symptoms where at times I cant control myself and I would really cry and cry...and would really want to call him and send him messages even if I know he'll not answer anymore. I really just can't accept the fact that were through and I am alone...I know this is not healthy anymore...I'm desperately seeking advice on how to start and how to move on...please help... cry

stkitt
Elite Member


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 11/28/2010 6:34 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello Laiza,
 
A warm and welcome to HealingWell. I think it was a big step to come here and talk with us as that was a brave thing to do ~ sharing your personal thoughts and feelings with others.  Please know we care.
 
I am sorry to hear what you have been going through. You invested 8 years of your life into this relationship, you wish to be with your boyfriend and in the end you have been let down.
First of all let me say something very positive. The first step in the recovery process is to understand how broken you  really are due to the ending of the relationship. Only after you  admit to yourself that you  are in trouble, is it  possible to start the healing process. Dear Laiza, I  feel you have hit the rock bottom. That is actually a good thing: from now on your situation will start to improve. 
 
You are no longer sinking down; you are starting your ascent back to the surface and back to life. 
 
While you are waiting for the sharpest pain to subside, there are things you can do to speed up the recovery process. You wrote that you have not been able to let go of your boyfriend emotionally.
 
There is so much this life has to offer, even if you cannot share your life with your boyfriend. I know you do not feel like it right now, but after one year your world seems completely different. I have been where you are now, I know exactly how you are feeling. I also know what will follow ~ You will get over this. Right now you must be patient and give yourself enough time to grieve your loss.
 
You have done nothing wrong and his leaving was his decision.  Don't keep calling him or texting him as he will not return the calls no matter how much you want him to.  Let him go and start to rebuild your life knowing that you have joined a awesome support group.  Keep talking to us and know we care !
 
With deepest regards,
 
Kitt
~~Kitt~~
Moderator: Anxiety/Panic, Osteoarthritis, GERD/Heartburn and Heart/Cardiovascular Disease.
www.healingwell.com

"If you can't change the world, change your world"

laiza
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2010
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 12/5/2010 5:30 AM (GMT -6)   
Hello to both of you!

I'm more than happy to get a response from you.I really am working it out and is trying to move on. However, I have this fear that...what if...waht if...I won't be able to forget him...What if that day won't come...I don't want to be scared all my life. I don't want to think about what if all my life. I really am scared. Wha tif I find another guy...but inside me...I know that I still love my ex boyfriend...and woudl want nothing else but him..how should I deal with that?

Im really happy joining this forum...I get to read other posts same as mine...sharing your experience as well as getting lessons from other experiences really do helps a lot.

Thanks!

stkitt
Elite Member


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 12/5/2010 9:01 AM (GMT -6)   
Good Morning,

I am a great believer in staying in the moment which I learned in therapy. Making ourself miserable is how we tend to spend a lot of time in the past or the future. We spend much time thinking about what was and what could have been. And we spend much time projecting into the future and wondering about what may happen. This is living in the "what if ?" zone.

This way of thinking is indeed a great way to make much of your life a lot more miserable and limited than necessary. The key to solving this problem is of course to live as much as you can in the only moment that you ever really live in and control. This moment right now. The moment that is all there ever was and - probably - will be.

But how can you step away from the thought loops that whirl back and forth through your memories and fantasies?

How do you actually return to the present moment?

Focus on what’s right in front of you and push all other thoughts out of your mind.

I hope this helps you with the "what if ?" thinking.

Kindly,

Kitt

 

 


~~Kitt~~
Moderator: Anxiety/Panic, Osteoarthritis, GERD/Heartburn and Heart/Cardiovascular Disease.
www.healingwell.com

"If you can't change the world, change your world"

laiza
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2010
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 12/6/2010 2:48 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi stkitt...

I would like to thank you for that wonderful post...I am trying it...Everytime I feel like crying or everytime I'm in the state of walking down the memory lane and doing the "what if" thinking...I always get back on track by telling myself...LIVE IN THE NOW...THE MOMENT THAT IS ALL THERE EVER WAS...AND EVER WILL BE...it really works for me the whole day...I hope this adage will help me get through my healing process...

Also, I keep on telling myself...I'm worth more than what he could he see...I shouldn't allow anyone to shout at me...nor fool me...It's really working for me today...I really hope that this will help me and really praying that I will get over him sooner that I think...

Though,Im still scared of the withdrawal syndroms...I'm trying my best to brave through this fight...Really great thanks to this forum...

God bless...

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42613
   Posted 12/6/2010 4:10 PM (GMT -6)   
Laiza,

You just posted what I was going to say to you. Live in the NOW. That really helps. It may take some practice, but eventually you will do it naturally. Kitt gave you some wonderful advice. She is one smart lady.

I am so glad that you have joined us. Have a wonderful day.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

laiza
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2010
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 12/7/2010 11:22 AM (GMT -6)   
Yes karen...she is..I really like the LIVE IN THE NOW thinking...I also watched a documentary titled "THE SECRET"...it was so nice...What you resist...persist...So, instead of resisting thinking about him I just divert my attention on other things. Im succeeding on it as of the moment.

However, there are still times when i can't help but think of him. Especially when I see a familiar place...or hear a familiar song. Things as such. Things I can't resist. Im not denying the fact that I still love him and would want us to be back together again. But then again, it would be really impossible. I do hope though, that somewhat...somwehere...somehow...he's also thinking of me...and wishing me the best in the life ahead of me...this is a real journey and a new beginning for me...Thanks for guiding me..

Hugs and Kisses, Laiza

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42613
   Posted 12/7/2010 11:52 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Laiza,

I like your thinking. It is going to be a while before you quit thinking about him. In the meantime, remember the good things. Yes, familiar places and songs on the radio. It all comes back to the same thing. But you are doing good with living in the NOW and that is the best thing that you can do. Keep up the good work my friend.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

laiza
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2010
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 12/8/2010 7:54 AM (GMT -6)   
just want to share this..I realized that I have been through a difficult and a bad relationship...and subconsciously, I have wanted a solution for a very long time, I just didn't expect it to happen this way...

i still cry...actually i just finished crying...maybe because i just miss the feeling of being in love..however...i can say im somewhat happy that i dont have to wait and be afraid when he'll come to me and tell me he doesn't need me at all...

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42613
   Posted 12/8/2010 9:27 AM (GMT -6)   
Laiza,

You will find love again. It is inevitable. Just keep working on you and the rest will fall into place. You will meet somebody when you least expect it. And as they say, it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. I sound like a fortune cookie, I know, but this is true. I see better days ahead for you Laiza. It just takes time and patience. You are doing good and trying really hard and that always accounts for something. I wish you the best. Keep posting.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

laiza
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2010
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 12/9/2010 12:20 PM (GMT -6)   
i miss him...tonight..i miss him very much...i keep on thinking of him...though i don't want to...i miss him...i was thinking if there was a time that he might be thinking of me too..

i talked to a common friend. he told me that my ex told him that he really doesn't want me back anymore. he said he need space to grow. he said he needs time to rest from our relationship. he's not happy anymore.

it hit me. what was wrong with me?why all of a sudden he would feel like that. i asked our common friend. he just told me...u don't understand him. there must be a reason why he breaks up with you. i don't know what.

just...i miss him...i love him to bits still...i just want totalk to him...i don't know why im feeling this way tonight...i really really miss him...i want to call him and send him an sms...but i don't know what to say...i hate when im feeling like this...im really fighting this feeling but i can't help it...

:(

Laiza

stkitt
Elite Member


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 12/9/2010 4:40 PM (GMT -6)   
Laiza
 
My heart goes out to you as  I know what it is like to have moments where our past triggers thoughts and memories so let the tears come but know they will help you cleanse the feelings of sadness.  You will get right back on track and pull back to the present . 

When you lose a  love relationship, you are likely to feel great sorrow and heartache. Even when a bad relationship ends, there can be deep pain and grief. Coping with a  relationship breakup of any kind can be very painful, and most people go through this experience at some point in their lives. But the challenges posed by such a deep loss can be turned into opportunities, enabling you to not only survive, but also thrive. Learn to understand your feelings and develop tools to cope with your relationship breakup or divorce.

You are doing great pulling back into the moment and I know how hard this is to master.  Nobody can manage to do this all the time but do keep practicing.

Know this though:  There is nothing you need to be or do to be worthy of Love.  You simply need to remember who you are. 

I hope you stay with us and let us help you through this tough time.

Gentle hugs,

Kitt


~~Kitt~~
Moderator: Anxiety/Panic, Osteoarthritis, GERD/Heartburn and Heart/Cardiovascular Disease.
www.healingwell.com

"If you can't change the world, change your world"
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