Severe guilt is manifesting itself physically.

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New Member

Date Joined Nov 2010
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 11/29/2010 3:34 AM (GMT -6)   
My fiance and I just hosted our first Thanksgiving. And as is our inevitable family tradition someone got too drunk and said a lot of things they wish they hadn't said. Well this time it was me. I ranted about my Dads in-action while my mother died of pancreatic cancer a few years ago. I said ALOT of very mean things to my future mother-in-law and brother-in-law about my father. Now as I've said it is a tradition for someone to drink too much and make an ass out of themselves, so the next day I realized they didn't fault me for my ranting, but I haven't slept a full night's sleep since. I wake up remembering things I said about my dad and feel very guilty. I don't necessarily believe all the things I said about him to them, but at one point or another I thought them to be true. I feel just horrible and I'm not sure how to deal with the guilt I feel about what I've said. I just thought I'd feel better if I got these feelings off my chest.

Elite Member

Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20279
   Posted 11/29/2010 4:47 AM (GMT -6)   
hi rumination.
i feel they understood your pain. this was a release of that
pain. please know that this happens alot and to many
people all round the world. a brief apology may ease your
situation. try not and beat yourself up. with compassion,


Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 6927
   Posted 11/29/2010 9:37 AM (GMT -6)   
Maybe if you wrote a letter to your Dad and said how sorry you were it might help? I think those of us who have dealt with loss know that people deal with it differently. It is obvious it still pains you. Plus if you feel you said things out of line, it might help you to drop a note to your future inlaws. I do not know, but I am just throwing suggestions out there.
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Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2317
   Posted 11/29/2010 12:01 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi R,
First off, welcome to HW.
I am so sorry to hear your mother died. She sounds like she was a really wonderful parent.
I tend to agree with Navy about writing a letter, or maybe having a conversation with some of the people at the party. I'm not at all saying you are an alcoholic, but AA does have a pretty good way of handling the negative aftermath of drinking too much (or, as I discovered personally, for any number of negative choices that caused me to bring pain to others). In a nutshell, they are: 1) admit to yourself & your Higher Power exactly what you did wrong, 2) ask Him to remove your shortcomings, 3) make a list of people you harmed & make amends with them, except when doing so would harm them, 4) continue to pray that your Higher Power would keep that from happening again.

Guilt is such a tricky thing. It can motivate us to make things better & move forward, or it can paralyze us and keep us in the past. You've tried to just move on & that hasn't worked, so that is why I thought maybe it might help if instead you tried to make things right -- right with yourself, right with God & right with your family members. If it starts to feel like punishment, then you're not doing it right. It should feel like restoration -- getting back to where you were spiritually/emotionally/relationally before the party. And once you're there, forgive yourself & don't look back. People probably do understand that you were upset & had too much to drink and that's why you said those hurtful things. Once you get past the guilt, I would gently suggest that perhaps you might consider seeing a counselor or joining a grief support group. It sounds like you still carry a lot of pain, which is completely understandable. I think you had the right idea thinking that talking about things would help. It's just that the holiday party may not have been the best place to share all those painful emotions. Maybe having an outlet for that grief & pain on a more regular basis would keep you from boiling over at social events.

take care,
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