Past Catching Up to Me

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Nikita Marie
New Member

Date Joined Nov 2010
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 11/29/2010 2:16 PM (GMT -6)   
With divorced parents there has always been two side to who I am and what was expected of me. As an adult now I am having a hard time trying to decide who I WANT TO BE. My mother has always been an alcoholic and the little time she spent with me as a child I was shoved in my room or told how horrible I was. On top of that her boyfriend who she has been with since I was an infant used to verbally abuse me and my confidence still isn't what it should be because of that. Forced to see school counselors in elementary and high school, and doing self pain infliction in high school not knowing how to deal with all the many things from my past. I always felt that I could sweet talk my way out of counseling though, but never fully being helped or bettering myself. Now that I am an adult I'm noticing that my past and what I've been though is greatly effecting my actions and I find that putting myself in a rut keeps happening. Every romantic relationship I've attempted has failed. I never went to college and just settled on jobs to have some sort of income. I fake a smile everyday and over compensate my sadness with laughter so that no one is concerned.

It seems like everyday is a challenge and I'm just lucky to make it to the next day.

My dad and stepmom are making me attend Al Anon once a week but I thought I would attempt this site too because I feel like I'll open up more in a discussion board than in a group of people.

Any advice or help is greatly appreciated.
Nikita Marie

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42610
   Posted 11/29/2010 3:18 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Nikita Marie,

It sounds like you are doing all the right things to get feeling better, and I think the rest just takes time. I think that the meetings will help you tremendously and coming here will help you too.

Learn to take each day as it comes and to feel okay about that. You are never too old to learn, so you might want to take some college courses along the way. We all learn differntly and even though you didn't go directly to college after highschool does not mean that you can't go now or in the future. Think about what you would like to do with your life and remember it is the experiences along the way that gives us character and personality. We learn as we go and continue to learn throughout life.

Don't be so hard on yourself. It feels as if you are blaming yourself for a lot of things and you don't need to do that. We all have our problems growing up and sometimes we have to work things our later, but that is okay too. My mother was also an alcoholic. She was in and out of different mental institutions all of my childhood. So I understand how you feel. It is hard growing up with an alcoholic parent, but it seems like they are trying to encourage you now. So try to cling to the thought that they do love you. Even though they didn't make your childhood easy. A lot of parents make mistakes. That doesn't mean that they don't love you the best way that they know how.

Keep posting here. Let us know how your Al Anon meetings go. It is nice to find others in the same boat as you. Often you can help eachother out. I am sure that you will get a lot of help here also. This is a good place to come for support.

Take care
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies
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