I feel like i've lost myself and I don't know what's happening to me!??

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sopho3000
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Date Joined Dec 2010
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 12/2/2010 3:40 PM (GMT -6)   
This is the first time i have ever sat down and wrote what's going on,
so bare with me if alot of it doesn't make any sense.
I have always struggled with feeling a bit sad, but things really got on top
of me when I was 16, i visited a physcologist who prescribed me fluoxetine. I
don't really regard this as anything to do with how i feel now because I feel
VERY different to how I did back then. When I was 16 i was struggling with obesity
and a case of unrequited love, just silly things that teenagers think is the end of
the world. I am now 18 years old (nearly 19). I do not take this medication anymore and do not visit the psychologist
Over the past year I have lost nearly 5 stone, completely changed my look, I feel healthier now, and i thought it would solve
my problems, it has infact made me feel worse. I am at college and will be finishing my
course next year in June, but I have been so unmotivated that i havent been attended classes
and skipping them, the college said If i didn't improve this that i would not be able to finish
the course. This made me so scared because I really want to go to university. I am more than capable
of achieving good grades and everyone tells me this. I am a very unreliable person, i constantly change
my mind about things, I promise people i will meet up with them and go out, and at the last minute i change
my mind and dissapoint them. I just don't know what I enjoy doing, I don't know what i like anymore. I only
like going to clubs a couple of times a month because i feel that the whole process of getting ready to go out -
physically AND mentally is just not rewarding for me. I had alot of friends at school but only 1 or two close friends
who i felt i could connect with, I had a best friend for 6 years who one day competely cut me off because she got
a boyfriend (which is understandable- i let her get on with it), I havent seen her in about two years and
have never really found that connection with anybody since. I always feel like no one can really connect
with me on my level. Since i've lost all my weight, I have gained alot of attention off men. People (especially girls)
look at me and instantly think im a ****** because of the way i look ( i take pride in my appearance because i was
bullied for so long). Anyone I meet always says im so friendly and I must have lots of friends, but it's not the case
at all. I stay at home most days and just sit there, in my head im constantly going over the way I am and what i can do
to change it, but once I start, i give up or something goes wrong. I'm always late for everything. Over the past 3 months,
I have become scarily angry and irritated. I have never ever been like this, I was always pretty calm. I mostly snap and
get irritated with my Mom. One day she completely lost it and broke down because she said she couldn't take the way I was
anymore. I feel like NO ONE likes me, like I have no control over anything I have no friends who i would like to spend my time with, but then I'm always at home saying to myself how lonely I am. I'm constantly contradicting myself. I get scared to be close to anyone, but
I don't chose to not be close to anyone, it just happens! I feel like after a certain line, I can't connect with people.
I feel like most people are fake liars who are out for themselves. I can never speak about how I feel because I feel like
no one cares. I'm trying to find a passion in my life but I just feel like I don't know who I am and I feel like
i've completely lost myself. I've been trying to focus on college to keep my mind occupied and it does help a
little bit, but it's just not cutting how I feel about the social aspect of my life, and more so, how i feel
about ME. Somedays, not very often, i feel very agitated and hyper, I actually get up and do things and have
loads of thoughts in my head, then it stops and i feel very sad and drained of energy and passion and motivation. I don't feel like i want to die by the way, no feelings of suicide!
Can anybody shed any light on this situation as I just don't know what to do about it anymore.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42430
   Posted 12/2/2010 4:29 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi there,

I think if you focused on your studies, and quit skipping class, that all the rest would fall into place for you. I also think that you should go back to a psychologist and get things sorted out.

I think you are doing okay in the friend department. We all are lucky to have one or two really good friends in our lives. So that part is normal.

I am concerned about you changing your mind so frequently and then being late all the time. That is a really irritating thing to a lot of people. People will definately quit taking you seriously when you are like that. That is probably why you are feeling that they don't care about you. They have probably gotten to the point where they just don't see the point. Especially if you are constantly changing plans at the last minute. They do say that people who are constantly late do it for attention. That may not be your case, but that is the saying.

I do believe that you have a lot of potential. I feel that you have an oppertunity to go to university, you should take it more seriously instead of worrying about your social life. The social life will fall into place once you get back in the groove of school.

I hope that I don't sound harsh. I just wanted to lay it on the line from another point of view. I can see you are wrapped up so much into this that you have lost your perspective. That is why a counselor or psychologist would be good for you. You may not even need medications, just some direction. Don't let your life slip away between your fingers. It sounds like you got a lot going for you, don't blow it.

I hope that this makes sense. Being depressed is not fun at all. But you have the oppertunity to help yourself. I think you should take it. Know that we all care about you here. And that there will be others along with thier own take on your post.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies
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