Working on moving on is just such hard work.

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New Member

Date Joined Dec 2010
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 12/5/2010 2:04 PM (GMT -6)   
I don't even know where to begin. I feel like I've tried everything to put the pain behind me. I sought the support of friends, but that can only last so long. They can only listen to the sadness for so long before they run out of words, and I run out of ways to express the depression. Every day is a battle for me to stay afloat. The one good thing about my recent bout of depression is that I have worked so hard not to let myself fall down that slippery slope like I did years ago where I ended up sleeping all day, never getting out of bed for weeks, and avoiding everyone in the world while simultaneously feeling so alone. It feels so utterly alone though. I don't want to subject my friends to such depressing feelings and thoughts, and I know they've heard it from me so many times that I just don't feel like I can bombard them with my sad thoughts any more. So I end up closing myself off because who can really take such excessive "whining" on a daily basis?

I just really want to move on. Maybe I haven't always been the happiest person. And since high school, a series of unfortunate events have taken me on all the various paths of sadness. I haven't always made the healthiest choices when it came to trying to cope. One of which was my doing something I thought I'd never do. I dated two people at once, because apparently that's how horrible it was to be alone with myself. I finally met someone that helped me get better. For the first time, I finally felt like I could, not just deal with the sadness, but actually one day come to put it behind me. Then, things had to end. Not because the feelings were gone, but because we both were moving back home. We should have left it there, but the relationship we had was so special - so different from anything we'd ever experienced before. It wasn't perfect of course. It had it's bad times too, but never had either of us felt this way in a relationship. It was so nurturing. We completed each other's flaws. We actually felt like together, there was nothing we couldn't conquer. All the cliches they talk about true love and all that. I guess that was the closest I ever got to what they say true love is. But distance conquered him. We both drifted. He end up trying to be with someone else closer to where he was because it was convenient, and he didn't have to deal with me being so far away. He did it behind my back and lied about it, even when I confronted him. As I type this, I know what I would say to myself. That he isn't worth it. But if all the years have taught me anything, it's that I can never tell about how I will react to a situation unless I am actually faced with the predicament. And yes, I told myself I'd never speak to him again. When we were together he treated me like a princess, but that didn't erase his mistakes. So I did it. I stopped talking to him. And then he called, crying. What is it that keeps me attached to him? What is it that makes me unable to ignore his calls or messages? He hadn't cried since he was 15. Not even when his mom had a seizure and almost died. And there he was bawling on the phone.

How do you say goodbye to a relationship that you know is so good? How is it so hard for me to accept that yes, it was good, and sure, there is still the potential for it to be good, but none of that is the present! Why am I having so much trouble focusing on myself? On my own present? The situation has not changed. We are still separated by multiple states. There are other things I need to focus on. We both agree long distance is terrible, but deep down inside, I guess I am more willing to go for that than he is. Contributing to the problem is we're both still young enough that we're still figuring ourselves out. Career, family, so many things that need to be worked on, or worked out. Yes, I guess one could say if we really wanted it bad enough, we could be together. But at the expense of the future of a career? There are so many factors that honestly, no. Love does not conquer all. Love is necessary for something to work, but not sufficient.

I never would have gone into all this detail about that because this sadness reaches from deeper within - past this situation. However, this situation has made it worse. I let him try to make things up to me, and I let myself be attached once more. I realize how unhealthy it is. I feel like my insides are actually rotting. That's how awful it feels. It feels like the air inside me is poisonous, a toxic bubble of tears and sadness rising from the depths of my stomach. It is such a visceral pain that I literally end up bawling. Full out crying complete with wailing and sobbing. How can I be hurting this badly? How can I be feeling this much pain?

I am so tired of waking up to this sadness and battling it all day. It makes me weary. And as weak as it may make me sound, I don't want to care this much about someone ever again. It is too much for me. Maybe I'm just not able to handle pain like everyone else. It sinks me into a depression that has been cycling through my life before this for years. I cannot disturb what is already such a delicate balance by becoming vulnerable to someone else.

I didn't expect to go into all this detail, and I already felt so exhausted from not being able to sleep until 5 a.m. I spent the night writing and writing about my feelings hoping to gain some sort of cathartic release. I just want to be able to move past this. I want to regain control of my life. I spend so much time and energy giving myself pep talks and trying to stay upbeat and just trying to focus my thoughts and energy on things other than the sadness. But it is so all-consuming. I can't even really be around people because, who wants to be around such a downer? I don't have the energy feign the cheeriness to go out and be with my friends. I feel pretty silly for feeling like all this. The rational part of me knows better and knows I need time and eventually I'll stop dwelling and yes, things will pass. But in the meantime, those rational thoughts do not stop me from feeling so alone. I just want my heart to catch up with my brain.

Forum Moderator

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 12/5/2010 4:32 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello and welcome to HealingWell.  I am sorry you are feeling so sad and confused right now.  I admire you for not going down that slippery slope all the way to the bottom. 
I do not feel dating several people when you are single is an awful thing to do as many people date.  You were free to date whomever you chose and it is good to have friends to go out with. 
I would like to see you not feel that you need someone to help you get better because they are a love interest.  Getting better has to be something you do for you and  not someone else does for you.  We are the only ones that can heal ourselves.  The support and love of others is a good thing and we all need that but knowing he went off and easily found someone else does not speak well of his intentions toward you.   
I am not sure you are saying goodby to a relationship that was grounded in love
IMHO, trust is an essential part of being in love. Without trust you can't really have love. 
I have had depression for 28 years and I have had  long stretches of good times and not so good times.  I have an awesome husband of nearly 40 years yet facing my depression is something I really have to do for myself with the help of my psychiatrist,  my therapist, and my support group which includes my family and my friends here in HealingWell.  It's crucial to take the long view that depression is not a life sentence, ... I'm on your side. I want you to heal and feel better.

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"If you can't change the world, change your world"

New Member

Date Joined Dec 2010
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 12/5/2010 4:57 PM (GMT -6)   
It's really nice to receive a response back. Thank you for the welcome, it means a lot.

I realize that wanting to be happier should come from myself instead of relying on someone to lift my feelings. You are very right about that and relying on someone else can only burden the other person as well as not lead me to better myself. The situation was so complicated and I guess from so many states apart, listening and dealing with someone who was so depressed all the time was difficult to bear. He was dealing with a lot of his own issues as well. I truly just want to put it all behind me. On my worse days, I wish I could erase the last year of my life. It was difficult trying to deal with job hunting, as well as family health issues on top of everything. I guess it brought out my weaknesses. I had just started feeling better about things, and then I moved back home and everything seemed to just come at me at once. It was all so overwhelming and I guess I clung to the one thing I knew had brought positivity to my life.

I spent the whole last year working on myself and as much as I discovered, I still felt like something was missing. I worked really hard to feel better but so many factors in my life are such uncertainties that it constantly weighed me down. I hit a breakthrough when I finally found a job and it felt SO GREAT. I worked hard and worked long hours, but at the end of the day, I was exhausted yet felt accomplished. I thought things were on their way to getting better, but then my boss turned out to be verbally abusive to me and he sexually harassed a co-worker of mine. He then tried to blame her for "seducing him" and my co-worker was so stressed out that she quit. The worsening of my family's health in addition to the horrible way my boss treated me started to really make things bad again. I lasted the second longest out of any employee he has ever had. All the people from the other offices warned about how many people would quit after 2-3 months because he treated his employees so badly.

Being back on the job hunt has not helped and as the days drag on, I just wish I could be happy from within. I've tried so many things, keeping myself busy, yoga, meditation, yet inner peace continues to elude me.

New Member

Date Joined Dec 2010
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 12/5/2010 5:03 PM (GMT -6)   
Btw, I see how helpful this community support can be to some people. Hopefully I reach the point one day where I can be helpful to someone on here too.
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