I don't even know where to begin. I feel like I've tried everything to put the pain behind me. I sought the support of friends, but that can only last so long. They can only listen to the sadness for so long before they run out of words, and I run out of ways to express the depression. Every day is a battle for me to stay afloat. The one good thing about my recent bout of depression is that I have worked so hard not to let myself fall down that slippery slope like I did years ago where I ended up sleeping all day, never getting out of bed for weeks, and avoiding everyone in the world while simultaneously feeling so alone. It feels so utterly alone though. I don't want to subject my friends to such depressing feelings and thoughts, and I know they've heard it from me so many times that I just don't feel like I can bombard them with my sad thoughts any more. So I end up closing myself off because who can really take such excessive "whining" on a daily basis?
I just really want to move on. Maybe I haven't always been the happiest person. And since high school, a series of unfortunate events have taken me on all the various paths of sadness. I haven't always made the healthiest choices when it came to trying to cope. One of which was my doing something I thought I'd never do. I dated two people at once, because apparently that's how horrible it was to be alone with myself. I finally met someone that helped me get better. For the first time, I finally felt like I could, not just deal with the sadness, but actually one day come to put it behind me. Then, things had to end. Not because the feelings were gone, but because we both were moving back home. We should have left it there, but the relationship we had was so special - so different from anything we'd ever experienced before. It wasn't perfect of course. It had it's bad times too, but never had either of us felt this way in a relationship. It was so nurturing. We completed each other's flaws. We actually felt like together, there was nothing we couldn't conquer. All the cliches they talk about true love and all that. I guess that was the closest I ever got to what they say true love is. But distance conquered him. We both drifted. He end up trying to be with someone else closer to where he was because it was convenient, and he didn't have to deal with me being so far away. He did it behind my back and lied about it, even when I confronted him. As I type this, I know what I would say to myself. That he isn't worth it. But if all the years have taught me anything, it's that I can never tell about how I will react to a situation unless I am actually faced with the predicament. And yes, I told myself I'd never speak to him again. When we were together he treated me like a princess, but that didn't erase his mistakes. So I did it. I stopped talking to him. And then he called, crying. What is it that keeps me attached to him? What is it that makes me unable to ignore his calls or messages? He hadn't cried since he was 15. Not even when his mom had a seizure and almost died. And there he was bawling on the phone.
How do you say goodbye to a relationship that you know is so good? How is it so hard for me to accept that yes, it was good, and sure, there is still the potential for it to be good, but none of that is the present! Why am I having so much trouble focusing on myself? On my own present? The situation has not changed. We are still separated by multiple states. There are other things I need to focus on. We both agree long distance is terrible, but deep down inside, I guess I am more willing to go for that than he is. Contributing to the problem is we're both still young enough that we're still figuring ourselves out. Career, family, so many things that need to be worked on, or worked out. Yes, I guess one could say if we really wanted it bad enough, we could be together. But at the expense of the future of a career? There are so many factors that honestly, no. Love does not conquer all. Love is necessary for something to work, but not sufficient.
I never would have gone into all this detail about that because this sadness reaches from deeper within - past this situation. However, this situation has made it worse. I let him try to make things up to me, and I let myself be attached once more. I realize how unhealthy it is. I feel like my insides are actually rotting. That's how awful it feels. It feels like the air inside me is poisonous, a toxic bubble of tears and sadness rising from the depths of my stomach. It is such a visceral pain that I literally end up bawling. Full out crying complete with wailing and sobbing. How can I be hurting this badly? How can I be feeling this much pain?
I am so tired of waking up to this sadness and battling it all day. It makes me weary. And as weak as it may make me sound, I don't want to care this much about someone ever again. It is too much for me. Maybe I'm just not able to handle pain like everyone else. It sinks me into a depression that has been cycling through my life before this for years. I cannot disturb what is already such a delicate balance by becoming vulnerable to someone else.
I didn't expect to go into all this detail, and I already felt so exhausted from not being able to sleep until 5 a.m. I spent the night writing and writing about my feelings hoping to gain some sort of cathartic release. I just want to be able to move past this. I want to regain control of my life. I spend so much time and energy giving myself pep talks and trying to stay upbeat and just trying to focus my thoughts and energy on things other than the sadness. But it is so all-consuming. I can't even really be around people because, who wants to be around such a downer? I don't have the energy feign the cheeriness to go out and be with my friends. I feel pretty silly for feeling like all this. The rational part of me knows better and knows I need time and eventually I'll stop dwelling and yes, things will pass. But in the meantime, those rational thoughts do not stop me from feeling so alone. I just want my heart to catch up with my brain.