Posted 12/8/2010 10:03 PM (GMT -7)
I know this is a depression forum. I don't know if I'm depressed. I just feel dead, empty, lost... I really just want to talk to someone and perhaps get some answers....solutions!
I'm this very emotional and sensitive girl. I've been the typical loser my whole life. I don't fit in anywhere...the sad thing is I'm 19 and STILL lost. No one likes me... I'm just so emotional and sensitive...people want to be around funny and outgoing people.
I spent my whole life thinking my past never really effected who I am today, but as I grow older I'm starting to realize how different I am from those who didn't have to go through what I had to.
I'm going to tell you about my childhood...can this all really change who I am today?
I really don't like sounding sorry for myself... I can't help it today.
When I was 8 my real dad passed away. He was an alcoholic who beat my mom. My mom was 18 and my so called dad was 50. He had had a previous wife he divorced. They had my brother who is now 22, my sister who is now 21 and eventually me who is 19. He beat my mom, then he got AIDS from the drug needles he shared with others and separated from my mom which eventually turned into a divorce. He died in a bar...some guy punched him, he walked home while a lot of blood left his body...he died. It's sad that I still don't know the details about his death. I remember waking up one morning...my mom told me that some cops came to the door to tell her what had happened. And then I remember the funeral. The death didn't really kick in till i saw his dead body in the coffin... I'm not sad that I lost HIM, he wasn't great...I'm sure if he was alive....life would be hell. But then came another man. He came from India so he could get a VISA to move to America...he was suppose to be with us for only a temporary period. But somehow...my mom fell in love with him... they started sleeping together. I always hated him, but I was forced to like him...FORCED to call him dad. He literally just came to me and told me to start calling him "dad". So I did. He abused me, he controlled me. You know how most parents tell you what to do because they want the best for you...he ordered me around to control me. I wasn't allowed to go to other people's houses or birthday parties or have friends over. There was even a point when he told me to never ever make friends, they would only corrupt me. *sigh* Because I was so young I just followed it all. I changed to be accepted by him. I never really thought about the idea to tell my mom about how i felt about him... I just never did. So I let the relationship grow between them. We had good times, but the nights where he beat my mom while she begged him to stop are still with me. I don't understand why mom put up with him...she could have easily told him to leave until things became more...permanent...complicated. I love my mom but she really was desperate to have settled for this man. She let him beat us, she let him ruin our childhood. We had to study 2 hours every evening in elementary while other children rode their bikes around the neighbourhood. He was 25 and my mom was around 34 when they fell “in love”. Looking back I see that he was a man with a child's mind. His past was complicated. He was from India, his dad passed away so his mom married again and had her own children. He was the outsider in the family. He never went to school...he did but he never finished it even though I know he had the opportunity. I think he never really showed interest in school because he though his money would keep him going. He had a lot of land under his name. If he sold is all he'd have about 1 million canadian dollars. He's the kind of guy who believes money makes a man. He taught me things like don't talk too much or people will think your stupid. He told me to never laugh at myself. He told me to stay to myself, keep quiet. Now, I cry at night because I never had that parent that would give me wisdom, help me learn about life and myself, give me tips. Help me be that awesome person I desire to be. I feel like I've had to spend my whole life having to teach myself my morals, my rules on how to live... when you only have yourself to grow... you don't end up very great. So yea, even though my mom and him never married, their relationship became permanent. I remember praying to God as a child asking God to let me go back in time so I could convince my mom to never marry him. I did that, i was just so desperate to get rid of him. I also remember praying to God as a child for a different life. Or at least have the ability to pause time so I could go out and spend time with my friends out of school. Looking back I just sound sad. But back then I was so desperate I thought it was possible. My brother and my sister. My brother back then was young and into computer games. So I never really got to know him that well as a child...he did his thing. My sister was the one person I did everything with. She was the one I was most thankful for. I loved her so much. She was the type of person I knew I couldn't live without. She felt the exact same as me. But like me she was young and scared so she couldn't do anything about him. Did I mention he was a big alcoholic too? He used to be, now he just sleeps on the couch after a huge dose of prescription drugs. I remember once he got drunk and touched my breasts. I didn't tell my mom, I was embarrassed... she knows now...but now it's too late. My sister reacted to him differently, instead of changing to be accepted by him she did her own thing...which is why she was neglected and beaten the most. She wasn't that into school. There were times HE made me hate her. He would tell me not to play with her. Looking back I'm just mad at myself for doing that...my sister meant the world to me. Life went on...good days, bad days. I entered junior high and the bullies got the best of me. Grade 7 was bad. Everyone called me ugly cause I dressed bad and had a uno brow. All the guys called me ugly, the girls refused to hang out with me cause I was weird. I was the person that if you hung out with you'd never be popular. Pathetic. I see those girls today in University, I want to say hi and be friends but I know it'll end bad. I'll be dissed. Some things never change. So in grade 7 I struggled with making new friends. I was the quiet girl in the classroom. I remember once my teacher though I was so quiet that she told me to yell out my answers...the perfect way to make me look like more of a loser. She was sweet for trying to help though. Self esteem issues? Sadly.... yes. I'm 19....and I still feel like this. Pathetic. Step dad broke his leg in grade 7... I think he did on purpose to get out of work... this day marked the start of his lazy/useless era. He stayed at home all day. It took 2 years for his leg to heal. After that he cleaned houses with my mom. He beat her when he didn't want to. My had to clean...it was the best way to make money. I remember how he'd just quit on her while cleaning a house so she'd have to do it all on her own. Like clean 3 houses a day on her own. Tears roll down just thinking about cruel this son of a ***** it. That is why he cries tonight. He is why im angry. He is why i Hate. Jerk. Time goes by...they start to get into selling HIS land in india. We start getting more money. I didn't want it. I knew that if we sold his land...he'd have nothing to go back to...having nothing to go back to means staying with us FOREVER. My sister got older, I'd have to say that all of this was the hardest for her. We came home after school...watched TV and then studied. During the weekend we were either forced to go get groceries with them because my mom didn't want the public to know she was WITH him...or we spent them watching TV on the couch. We wanted to go out and play with out friends, attend birthday parties...have a social life but we couldn't. We had “cable”.... He controlled us. When I was in grade 10 my sister ran away from home. I was shocked. We had been fighting a lot before she left. I held a knife a foot away from her and threatened to kill her. Why I did it doesn’t matter. I pulled her hair. I beat my own sister. She was afraid of me. She was afraid of everyone in the house. I can't believe I did that. I turned into the man I dreaded the most. So while my mom and HIM were in India...she ran away. I couldn't stop crying at school, i couldn't stop missing her. Bad times. She never came back. THEY returned from India and tracked her down...If it wasn't for social services I'm sure they would have chained her down. But we let go and let her grow away from us. I would do it...but I don't have the guts my sister did. My sister messed around though...she drank, smoked, had sex with many men... she screwed up. Eventually she settled down to one guy who is 40. She got pregnant. I have a niece. She is over right now. She had a miscarriage. She has an anger problem. She will literally scream at anyone in public. Throw things, hurt people. She has no control now. A few days a go she told me she cheated on her baby's daddy and is now pregnant with someone else's baby. She is going to get an abortion. I see her...she never told him....she lives with this lie. We bought a business a few years ago. My mom no longer does minimum wage jobs. She owns a business...a daycare. All of HIS property in india is sold now too. We have money, everyone seems happy. No. My step dad cries when he realizes what a joke he is...how useless he is. I have to hear it. I can't feel sorry for him. I can't help but think it's karma. He really is what I'm afraid of becoming. I don't to grow old and be like him. No one likes me. I'm a loser. Never had a boyfriend. Never kissed a boy. My mom and my brother are the people I love most. Recently I've been arguing with my mom a lot. I can't do the daycare paperwork and handle a university full course load. I want to be a doctor. I want to be independent. I want to get away from here. Find a man who can love me. Meet people who can teach me what my dads never did. I wish I had those people in my life. O, i really do. I know that I tell my current friends this...it'll just enforce the idea of how much of a loser I am. My two good friends are ***s. I think the only reason why they hang out with me is because they have a crush on me. I'm not a ***. Ugh...
This is all so hard.
Someone say something.
I cant help to see my step dad and my mom happy together. I can't see him as my father anymore. He can be an uncle but NOT a father. I wish I could press rewind....
There's so much more to say
But this is now a book! So thanks for listening
Someone just say something...