Ok I just want to start by saying hello everyone im new to this website and im just looking for anyone to try and console my problems im having in life right. I didn't know who else to talk to so I choose to state my problems on this website. I think I'll just start by getting EVERYTHING off my chest which might take a while and I'll just start and apologize now for the length my post will be.
Well im a 17 year old girl, im 5'5 and about 290-300 lbs. When I look in the mirror I don't really see myself as obese, but maybe just overweight I think maybe my height takes up for the weight. Me being this size causes constant bullying and teasing from my peers at school. It all started in 6th grade. I went to the worst middle school one could imagine the kids always fought everyday about the dumbest things, we had constant stampedes in the walkways it was a complete MESS! During this time period in my life I was and still am the shy, quiet person to people who I didn't know. The rebellion and wildness of the children was unlike anything I had every seen in my life before. I was amazed at how children could act like this towards each other and adults. A few months into school is when the taunting started. I would have people come up to me and say ewww and run away, they would make jokes right in my face and bust out laughing like hyenas. There was this one girl especially who I remember she was the ABSOLUTE WORST. She talked about everyone 24/7 and still managed to have friends. I don't know what I did to her, but I was one of her favorite people to mess with. She would come up and sniff me and say I stink because I have so much fat to wash I can't get it all. She'd pull my hair, step on my shoes, call me ugly, tell me to shut up out of nowhere etc., Then random people while walking down the hallway would tell me to get my fat or big, ugly *** out the way. I had barely any friends at all, just many acquintances. I also remember the next year I had a class full of people that would always talk about me with me knowing until one girl told me about them. She said they would say I have rabies and I'll never have a boyfriend in my entire life with the way I look. A lot of people always talk about my nose and say I look like a pig. That pig comment has followed me all the way into high school and it really makes me feel worse about everything. Fast fowarding into high school I would say the taunting has somewhat improved, but it's still here. I don't really have many friends, just many acquaintances. Most of them would describe me as goofy, funny person. Another that I have a problem with is how I let people walk over me. I let people talk to me any kind of way and I won't do or say anything. I think I allow this because of my mother. I love my mother, but the way she treats me makes me upset at times. She is a woman with a short temper and is very stressed out nowadays because she can barely find work to pay for the bills and our house. Anyway me having not a lot of people to talk to all the time, I look to her to have a conversation with, but she doesn't like to talk to me. Sometimes even if it's something important she still won't talk to me. She rarely calls me by my name I 'll find he calling me fat ***, big ***, n****, stupid, moron, or idiot. Sometimes she even tells me she doesn't love me. She doesn't really seem to care if I have something to say or really anything. Something else im having trouble with is my grandma. When I was nine we found out my grandma had diabetes. A year later when she went to go have a polyp removed we found out she has colon cancer. She had it for seven years now. It makes me upset to even think about her having this disease. We don't really talk about her and her cancer. In fact she kept it a secret from the rest of the family for a few years. There was a few occasions where I would ask my mother about it. A year ago I remember my grandma saying the doctors are going to stop her chemotherapy treatments for a month and half because she was going into remission. Then when I asked my mother about the how the cancer is doing she said she doesn't have colon cancer anymore....now it's just cancer, it spread to some of her other organs. What also makes me upset is the way I me and my mother treat her. My grandma is sort of a paronoid and insane person. It's not from the cancer she's just always been that way, but that being said she is also a cleaning fanatic. She can't stand to see something not clean. So that's when she goes into her maid role. She washes everyone's clothes, does dishes, vaacums, dusts, etc. and I feel bad about this because my and my mother are two lazy slobs who never clean anything. I'll do the dishes every now and then, but I know that this is still not enough and I should be doing these things. It makes me feel like a spoiled brat. A month ago I also found out my grandfather has colon cancer. I remember when I took biology my teacher said anyone born without gene p53 will get cancer. Since both my grandmother and grandfather have cancer neither one of them have gene p53. Meaning my mother doesn't have it either im guessing. My mother is a nicotine fan. She smokes a pack of cigarettes each day. I try and tell her to stop or hide her cigarettes, but neither works. I don't want my mother to develop anything like cancer, but I don't know what to do. That's why when I hear people talk about cancer or hearing something on t.v. about cancer I can't bear to hear about it. It scares me so bad and im constantly thinking about my chances of getting the disease based on my familys' genetics. While talking about health issues I also want to say I think I may have OCD and ADD. I do these things sort of like rituals everyday because a little voice inside my head tells me to do it or something bad will happen. (ex. I can't walk through a certain threshold in my house, If there are dishes in the sink the have to be washed before I can a computer, I can't look at certain objects in our house, If my tounges touches my top lip it has to touch my bottom lip, After I use the remote I have to wipe my hand on something and wiggle my fingers until I count to 5 twice etc.) The reason I think I have ADD is because in school whenever we'll read something as a class or when the teacher is talking I tend to zone out into my own little world or even sometimes when someone is talking to me to my face I blank out. I've tried to tell my mother, but she thinks im being an a******. Another thing I battle with our thoughts going around in my head. Everyday im constantly thinking about something related to death. In my head I have to think these certain thoughts in a specific order or something bad will happen.
Now I'd just like to finish by saying I hate myself. I go to school and I feel like a beast or monster walking down the hallway. I wish I was skinny and pretty so I could have a boyfriend. Im tired of being ugly. Sometimes I even want to die because im just tired of life. I feel like no one wants me or cares about me. Thank you for ever read this and listened to what I had to say