I just don't know what to do anymore. I know I have problems and need help badly, I just don't have the will or motivation. It seems like I'm been depressed & suicidal since kindergarten. I'm 26 now. That's a long time of feeling worthless. That's 21 years of my life out the window. Completely wasted. How can somebody who is so tenderhearted and kind be so hateful, sinful, anger-filled, and self-destructive at the same time??? I love you one minute, then want to tear your head off the next, then immediately afterwards I feel like a complete moron. That's when I feel like dying. The littlest things set me off. I'm paranoid all the time. Stupid stuff like thinking an intruder is in the house, so I lock my bedroom door when I'm by myself. I assume everybody is talking crap about me and they are staring at me because I'm ugly. These idiotic thoughts consume my life 24/7. I even get pissed off in my sleep. I have worn down a spot on my front tooth from grinding my teeth in anger. How stupid is that? I didn't get a boyfriend until I was 25, but 8 months later, the relationship has gone off the deep end. My two biggest faults are anger & jealousy. I have run so many people off with my temper that I just don't have any friends anymore. 100% my fault. And God forbid I see my boyfriend saying hi to an old female friend in public. I will literally have to hold myself back from beating both of them into a pulp. It's not fair to him. Is he perfect, well only Jesus was perfect, of course not. But I just beat him down so badly he is finding it harder & harder to forgive me. When he tells me it's over, this wave of emotions comes over me and I can barely speak thru the flood of tears. I can't keep doing this crap. I need some help & just don't know where to go. Extremely strapped income & no insurance. Really really sucks.