Im new to here and wanted to try to find someone that actually understands me for me?
Im 20 years old, Ive been feeling down and what i would call depressed (even though that name has not technically been given to me by a doctor) since I was 12 years old.
Pretty normal before I was 12, had a wonderful family life. Then my Dad cheated on my Mum more than once, and once in front of me at a concert. He saw another woman begind her back for many years and I witnessed it first hand and had to keep it a secret from my Mum. I was offered a band tshirt not to tell her. He then told my Mum and left.
He told me he would see me every weekend. Every weekend soon turned to every other, then every month, etc. Now I see him every 6 months or so.
After my Dad left, my Mum then turned to drink, and with her epilepsy that did not bode well.
While my brothers were out with their own lives (they are 5 and 7 years older), I had to deal with my Mum at home getting drunk and slurring her words at me. She used to say that my Dad didnt love me otherwise he wouldve taken me with him and that she hated me.
I used to go to bed wishing that she wouldnt bring anyone back home from the pub that night in case something happened to her or me. We once found her at the bottom of the road, in the road, unable to move because of the amount of alcohol she had that night. I was told to go up to my room and my brother would sort it out.
She also brought a man back home when she was drunk. We got into an argument and after the strange man she brought home told me to get upto my room or he would "crack me in the face", I did as I was told. In tears, I rung my brother and he came round and dragged the man out of the house for me.
As a result, my mum then threw me and him out. I was 15 at the time.
I went to the doctors a few months ago to explain how I was feeling. That Im very shy, a nervous person, introverted, pessimistic and feel down with a sick feeling in my stomach. Sometimes I am happy and the brightest person in the room with a lot to say and a lot of jokes to tell, then the next minute I feel down again. He told me to fill out a questionnaire, which I did but I have not since heard back.
If people dont see me smiling, they assume Im miserable and say "arent you a ray of sunshine?". I am sick of people judging that I am moody and not depressed. I have a reason I am this way, they just dont take the time to ask me about it and make assumptions instead.
I do feel I could end it all someday because sometimes it gets too much for me. Everyone saying I am miserable, people not understanding, me feeling guilty for feeling this way. I think of some of the reasons I feel down and wonder if it is all worth it in the end?
I am not sure what to do. I hope someone can help me or if anyone feels the same or knows what I feel like?
Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 12/16/2010 3:55:10 PM (GMT-7)