Newbie here, anyone out there?

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New Member

Date Joined Dec 2010
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 12/16/2010 5:13 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi everyone,
Im new to here and wanted to try to find someone that actually understands me for me?
Im 20 years old, Ive been feeling down and what i would call depressed (even though that name has not technically been given to me by a doctor) since I was 12 years old.
Pretty normal before I was 12, had a wonderful family life. Then my Dad cheated on my Mum more than once, and once in front of me at a concert. He saw another woman begind her back for many years and I witnessed it first hand and had to keep it a secret from my Mum. I was offered a band tshirt not to tell her. He then told my Mum and left.
He told me he would see me every weekend. Every weekend soon turned to every other, then every month, etc. Now I see him every 6 months or so.
After my Dad left, my Mum then turned to drink, and with her epilepsy that did not bode well.
While my brothers were out with their own lives (they are 5 and 7 years older), I had to deal with my Mum at home getting drunk and slurring her words at me. She used to say that my Dad didnt love me otherwise he wouldve taken me with him and that she hated me.
I used to go to bed wishing that she wouldnt bring anyone back home from the pub that night in case something happened to her or me. We once found her at the bottom of the road, in the road, unable to move because of the amount of alcohol she had that night. I was told to go up to my room and my brother would sort it out.
She also brought a man back home when she was drunk. We got into an argument and after the strange man she brought home told me to get upto my room or he would "crack me in the face", I did as I was told. In tears, I rung my brother and he came round and dragged the man out of the house for me.
As a result, my mum then threw me and him out. I was 15 at the time.
I went to the doctors a few months ago to explain how I was feeling. That Im very shy, a nervous person, introverted, pessimistic and feel down with a sick feeling in my stomach. Sometimes I am happy and the brightest person in the room with a lot to say and a lot of jokes to tell, then the next minute I feel down again. He told me to fill out a questionnaire, which I did but I have not since heard back.
 If people dont see me smiling, they assume Im miserable and say "arent you a ray of sunshine?". I am sick of people judging that I am moody and not depressed. I have a reason I am this way, they just dont take the time to ask me about it and make assumptions instead.
I do feel I could end it all someday because sometimes it gets too much for me. Everyone saying I am miserable, people not understanding, me feeling guilty for feeling this way. I think of some of the reasons I feel down and wonder if it is all worth it in the end?
I am not sure what to do. I hope someone can help me or if anyone feels the same or knows what I feel like?
Thank you.

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 12/16/2010 3:55:10 PM (GMT-7)

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42609
   Posted 12/16/2010 5:59 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Takeitaway,
I am sorry that I had to edit your post, but we aren't allowed to discuss self harm or suicide on this forum.  I want to share some resources with you though, you sound like you really need to talk to somebody.
National Suicide Hotline
1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)
This is a combined network of the Amerian Association of Suicidology, the National Hopeline Network, CONTACT USA, and many other organizations. Call are automatically routed to the nearest crisis center to the phone from which the call for help is placed.

Helpful Web Sites:
Suicide Hotlines (listed by state) (includes Suicide Crisis Center and Depression and Suicide)
I am sorry for your past, but there does come a time when we acknowledge it, which you have.  And then we have to put it behind you, which you have not.  The sooner you can do that, the sooner you can get on with your life. 
Do you live with your mom now?  Or are you living somewhere else?  It must be so hard for you.  I hope that you do go to counseling.  I think you are in need of support. 
Keep posting and know that we all care.
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Elite Member

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 12/16/2010 6:04 PM (GMT -6)   
I am so sorry that you are going through so much right now and  that this has been going on for years. 
I would like to see you talk to someone that may be able to help you and guide you:
-Church youth leader
-Extended family member ie, granparent, aunt, god-parent
-Community center  program
It feels to me like you should tell your Doctor about the abusive situation you have been in for so long at home and if you have not heard back from this Dr do pick up the phone and call him or a new Doctor. 
Good luck and let us know how this turns out.

Moderator: Anxiety/Panic, Osteoarthritis, GERD/Heartburn and Heart/Cardiovascular Disease.

"If you can't change the world, change your world"

New Member

Date Joined Dec 2010
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 12/16/2010 6:35 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you for the replies Karen and Kitt.

Karen - I don't live with her now. After I had been living with my brother for about a year, I moved back in after we started talking again. Urn I moved out with my boyfriend for a year and a half and now we are living in our own place. I do need to move on but it is difficult for me knowing where to start and if I can get out of this place I am at all. People have done it so I'm not sure why I think I'm different.

Kitt- my thinking behind it was that if the doctor believed it to be important or worthwhile him getting me back in he wouldve done it. I don't want to be wasting his time when he could be helping someone who needs it more.

Sorry I did not realise you were unable to write about that. I was on a website that I could take to them about anything but I told them i was 20 tonight and they told me they couldn't help anymore as i was passed the age of what thy deal with.

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42609
   Posted 12/16/2010 6:46 PM (GMT -6)   
There is a forum where you can talk about it called:
But I hope that you continue to visit us.  This really is a wonderful site and everybody really cares about one another.
Keep posting.
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies
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