long post today <3

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whathurtsthemost
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 51
   Posted 12/17/2010 10:25 AM (GMT -6)   
i thought i was getting the hang of life, but i've come to realize i'm only convincing myself of that. i don't have the slightest idea on how to live life like a "normal" person. i feel like things just keep piling on top of one another. for example today during breakfast, i received the biggest lectures on the way i eat, how i only eat once a day or twice, the thing is if i don't feel like eating full meals i eat snacks yogurts, orange juice, apples,bananas, not all the time but its not that i don't want to eat because i want to be super skinny because i'm already petite, but in the anger of it all i yelled at everyone who crossed my way (mom brother, aunt),and i told them let me live my life, its my life, take care of yourselves, i even said i don't want to be fat and ugly (i didn't even realize i had said that until the whole lecture was over) and i told my mom she loves me sometimes which clearly isn't true my mom is my life and i know i'm hers but i just wish i had control i wish i realize what i say but i don't i wish i hadn't argued with my brother i wish life was better than this. i was already angry because my other aunts husband said that there are kids who yell at their parents and just criticized me indirectly for how i would argue with my mom,and say things to her and i was like its not good to criticize other people's children because yours will come out worse, and your daughter already cusses at you and shes little, i was pissed at those uncalled for comments, and he even knows all the emotional issues i have, but he still says things that he shouldn't, he instigated the whole "she doesn't eat" fiasco and i was already pissed off at what he had said earlier hes a cool guy but i just have to learn how to deal with different people and i just don't know how to do that i don't know how to relate to anyone and i can't bring myself to doing so , i just want to get away, i hate people getting into my life, i hate it, i cried about 2 minutes ago because i have no control, i don't mean to lash out on people i don't mean to be how i am, i haven't even taken my lexapro since tonight i have to get my prescription filled and i wouldn't of been as emotional if i would've had it already, i just wish life would give me a break, i want to go far away and never come back, i want to stop crying i want to just be okay.

Post Edited (whathurtsthemost) : 12/17/2010 8:32:13 AM (GMT-7)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42613
   Posted 12/17/2010 10:36 AM (GMT -6)   
You had every right to react the way that you did. Who are they to tell you how to eat? I am sure that you try to eat healthy. You sound like that type of person. KNow that we say things in the heat of the moment. It happens to all of us. Don't be so hard on yourself. You are only human. Remember that.

From now on when they start in on you. Count to ten in your mind before you react. That is the best way to keep your cool. The reaction is what gets to us. Often we wish we could take it back. But once it is done and over with, that is that.

I wish you the best. You are a kind and loving perosn, who is trying really hard. This is a stressful time of year. Take that into account. Keep posting.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

whathurtsthemost
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 51
   Posted 12/17/2010 10:53 AM (GMT -6)   
thank you soo much getting by :)

i really needed those kind words.

i really do try hard to get better to be a better person, i pray that god gives me the strength to continue, to guide my steps, my thoughts, my actions, but i feel like i'm a disappointment to him and to my best friend, who has also saved me from myself soo many times, i feel like he'll be disappointed to see who i really am, to see how messed up i really am, to see that i need medication to actually be okay, to see that i disappoint my loved ones, and to see that i can't fight for myself, that i give up on myself, and my giving up on myself i feel like i'm giving up on him, and on how much he has done for me, i need a hug sometimes, i need someone to tell me i'll be okay, but the person i want that hug and those words that will give me will power to fight for myself isn't here, i feel like i stopped dreaming about him because i feel like i let him down, i feel like he lost hope in me, and i've cried about 4 times in the last 20 minutes, i just feel an ache in my gut, an unbelievable pain, i can't control my emotions, i feel like i let the people that love me down, and i also let myself down.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42613
   Posted 12/17/2010 11:32 AM (GMT -6)   
You are not a disappointment. You are learning. And that is a good thing. Try not to think about whether or not you are disappointing people. People will accept you for who you are if you give them that chance. None of us are perfect. We make mistakes and that is how we learn. Keep trying. Never give up. You are special just the way that you are.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

whathurtsthemost
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 51
   Posted 12/17/2010 11:55 AM (GMT -6)   
thank you again for encouraging me :)

i just need to take control, someway somehow i need to help myself and stop giving up on myself because i am worth a lot more than what i give credit for. i just need to go away for a little while, take time for me to think for myself, to reflect on what i want to do and to just take it one step at a time :)

thank you for encouraging me and for believing in me :)

ill be sure to keep you guys updated on how im doing :)
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