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VERY DEPRESSED AND ANXIOUS I AM SORRY ABOUT THE LENGTH BUT I AM IN DIRE NEED OF HELP

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Posted 12/29/2010 12:51 PM (GMT -7)
Is the couple's therapist in private practice for herself?  And what is her degree and emphasis in?
Posted 12/29/2010 12:55 PM (GMT -7)
She is in a private practice affilated with a school. I can check on her background but i am sure that she has all the proper degrees and training.
Posted 12/29/2010 1:05 PM (GMT -7)
That still doesn't make her the right candidate for you. I would seriously talk to your wife about a different therapist. Have you talked to your therapist about this situation? What is his/her take on this all? Maybe you could get your wife to join you in some of your sessions to get another perspective on the situation. You need to do something, you aren't getting a fair session.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 12/29/2010 1:10 PM (GMT -7)
If she is affilated with the school then perhaps her sessions might be taped? My question is more is she an MFT/SW/LCP. A MS/A or PhD? How many years of experience?  The reason why I am asking is because I would like to know who is the right person to complain to for your situation.
Posted 12/29/2010 1:11 PM (GMT -7)
My wife loves her so i have not been able to express this. She is still very hurt over the whole thing and would blow up or view it as me trying to undermind her because she always agrees with my wife. I have told my therapist and she said she would talk to my couples therapist about a number of things.
Posted 12/29/2010 1:14 PM (GMT -7)
they are definetly not taped. she has been there since 1994. she has a PHD and a LMFT.
She specializes in treating divorced and remarried individuals, couples and families. I think my efforts will just come off as weak and petty both to the couples therapist and my wife
Posted 12/29/2010 1:17 PM (GMT -7)
I think that you have the situation under control by talking to your therapist about it. I think she/he will help you to have a fair session. Being that this couples therapist is friends with your wife, she may not even realize that she isn't being fair in this situation. I am glad that your wife has somebody that she can confide in and talk to, but it has to be fair to you too. I think telling your therapist was the best thing that you could do. I am sure that they are going to help you.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 12/29/2010 1:27 PM (GMT -7)
I also talked to another therapist and my aunt who does marriage and individual therapy. they all said without me prompting them that there is no marriage where one side has absolutly no blame ever. They said that her behavior is unacceptable
Posted 12/29/2010 1:34 PM (GMT -7)
I do not speak in absolutes, but I am glad to hear that at the very least your therapist has agreed to at least speak with your couples therapist. But I have to admit I would feel more comfortable if the couples therapists and both your individual therapist might be agreeable to a joint session.
Posted 12/30/2010 9:40 AM (GMT -7)
I have know idea how to explain this to my wife. She of course thinks she is great.
Posted 12/31/2010 8:20 AM (GMT -7)
Perhaps you might be able to ask your wife to join you for an individual session with your therapist. So your therapist could help facilitate movement in that direction.
Posted 12/31/2010 4:08 PM (GMT -7)
I now realize that i have to stand up for myself and my personal wellbeing in this marriage. I have blamed and punished myself and have been depressed over actions i did or did not do, Some of these things are vert serious and i am so sorry for them. some of them is a manifestation of her anger. I have to get my voice in this relationship back as well as improve as a husband and protector.She comes home tomorrow so wish me luck. I am going to explain this with compassion. I do not know how it will go over.
Posted 12/31/2010 4:46 PM (GMT -7)
The reason why I am suggesting having a joint session with your therapist is that it will help you find a voice without being overbearing. Not that I think you are overbearing it just can be helpful to have another's voice involved so there are not inadverant triggers. I suspect a confrontation without outside guidence might not help your cause and might worsen issues. After all doing what you have done has got you into this situation, it might be helpful to try something different with professional guidence, and it is a very slow process out of it. Just my take on the situation, but use your own judgement.
Posted 1/2/2011 4:59 PM (GMT -7)
UPDATE:
Whie she was gone i sent her an email and told her how much she meant to me and what i would do to change. My terapist and aunt read it and were very touched by it.
I pciked her up for the airport yesterday. She did not leave, at least not yet. She is sick. I told her whenvershe want to talk i will be more than willing to talk to her. She has not said word one. We have an appointment with the couples therapist tomorrow. I am not starting to realize that i have to forgive my self for the past. What i did was very bad but i really am a great, kind warm hearted man to a fault. I have to forgive my self and she has to for give me or else this relationship will never work. There are things that are wrong in aour marriage beyond this. For instance, she only has sex with me when we are on vacation. I have brought this up to the couples therapist and she just said that it is really important to have sex and that she could recommend another therapist for sex. I really think this is a problem that she can handle herself. I am begining to see i am no longer an equal in this relationship. We have the couples therapist tomorrow. this is when she will talk. It is not even like she is pissed off at me. I now realize she has made me a prisoner who no longer has a voice in this marriage. This different is I have let go. I have reconciled to the fact that my marriage may end but i have to be an active participant in this. My only hope is that if it does end i can meet a wonderful women who really deserves all the love i have to give.
ANY THOUGHTS AND SUGGESTIONS ADVICE WOULD BE AMAZING!
Posted 1/2/2011 6:14 PM (GMT -7)
I just want to wish you good luck with your couples therapy tomorrow. Maybe you could directly ask her there if she is going to leave or stay. Maybe she would give you an answer then. That way you would know one way or another. Maybe she doesn't even know herself what she wants to do, but at least you would know where you stand.

I am sorry that you are having a hard time forgiving yourself for whatever happened in the past. I think that you both need to deal with that and move on.

It sounds like you are trying really hard, and that is good. Best wishes to you.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 1/2/2011 6:53 PM (GMT -7)
well we are supposed to go on vacation on friday and that she has brought that up multiple times so as of now it seems like she is staying. But is this a ploy? is the threat and making me sit here fair?
Posted 1/2/2011 7:03 PM (GMT -7)
No it isn't fair, that is why you should ask her about it at the therapy session. She is more apt to give you an honest answer there. Or be more open about it. You shouldn't have to keep wondering what is going on. She should tell you what she is thinking and feeling about you. But it is up to you whether you do this or not.

best wishes,

Hugs, Karen
Posted 1/2/2011 7:07 PM (GMT -7)
If it were me regardless I'd ditch the therepist get another,OR just get out of it all for good.I would NOT live like that for no one........
Posted 1/2/2011 7:49 PM (GMT -7)
the problem is i get ganged up on in there and she then has validation that she is being wronged by a "professional"
Posted 1/3/2011 8:16 AM (GMT -7)
You have been offered advice on how to deal with this. Many suggestions have come your way. It is up to you whether to take them or not, or if you want to continue to feel ganged up upon. I wish you well with the next therapy session. But if you don't take the advice and make some changes and stand up for yourself, nothing is going to change and you will continue to get picked on.

Best wishes,

Hugs, Karen
Posted 1/3/2011 8:25 AM (GMT -7)
I agree and I will. I am scared and I feel that my marriage is going to end, but if were to go on the way it was i would just be in misery. This has been a strange week. My wife left to decide if she wants to leave me, does not talk to me about it and goes about life like nothing has happened. I have been horribly dpressed but at the same time my depression is lifting. I realize what type of life i was leading and i was the one doing things right for once. I was jut being **** on in the process. Now i realize, it will kill me, but i may have to let her go to save myself from her anger. My therapist is going to try to make me move. I do not see why i should move away from everything i have and i should be alone with my shaky marriage. THis logic is insane. I will draw boundries, i will try to get another job but in the mean time i have one when so many people do not have one anymore and am so thankful for this. I am very scared of the session today and i am afraid of being devastated by the outcome, but i am coming out of my depression coma. I have to become me again for me and for her (with or without her). Our relationship was equal until all the drama with my family came out.
THANK YOU SO MUCH
Posted 1/3/2011 8:37 AM (GMT -7)
I think that your therapist wants you to move out to start a new life. It may be someting that you have to do. For you...

If you get a divorce, she may get the house. It is hard to say. I don't know all of your situation, but a lot of times the wife gets the house. Do you have children? I don't remember you mentioning it.

It may be time for you to move on with your life and start fresh. I think you will find out more when you go to your session. If you are wondering, I would ask her point blank if she wants a divorce. Then you will know. I get the feeling that you don't want to know. But it is inevitable.

I hope that you have a good day. Take this one day and one step at a time.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 1/3/2011 8:44 AM (GMT -7)
I do want to know now. I do not know how she could be have like this and WANT a divorce. It may be a ploy. We have no kids we have been married for two years. it was my condo but i put her name on it.
Posted 1/3/2011 8:47 AM (GMT -7)
Then ask her in your session. Explain to her that it is making you very anxious not to know and you don't want to go on like this. I think with the therapist there, you will get some answers.

I am sorry that you are going through all of this. Take care. Keep posting. Let us know what happens.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 1/3/2011 8:49 AM (GMT -7)
The problem is she is waiting to say it in front of the therapist. I think she is going to demand things. I mean why would she come home, sleep in our bed, remind me that we are going on vacation of friday if she wanted a divorce. Plus she is acting like nothing happened. The closest thing she has said about ths situation is last night she asked "what time is the thearpist?" i said 210 she said"good i can sleep in"
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