don't know where to go from here

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LNichole87
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Date Joined Dec 2010
Total Posts : 226
   Posted 12/20/2010 10:56 AM (GMT -6)   
I'm not sure where to go from here. Back in the end of May this year, I lost a very dear and close friend of mine. She was also my supervisor but at the same time was like a mother to me. It was very sudden. April 1st she went in for knee surgery and among a mounting list of issues, by May 17th we found out she had cancer. She passed away May 30th. I still kick myself to this day because on May 29th I went out of state and told myself I would visit her when I got back. Well by the time I started to head back, I got the call that she passed away. Luckily I had a 3 hour drive home and was able to meltdown in private but I had a huge rain storm that kept me focused enough to drive.
I have always had issues with my real parents and pretty much have divorced my dad. They were divorced when I was 3 years old. I will turn 24 just after the New Year. I would always hear them fight over the phone and they would play me & my siblings against the other parent. I was (and still am) mentally/emotionally abused by both of my parents. I notice it more from my father because I am not around him. My friends though have pointed out to me that my mother does the same thing through manipulation. For the last 5 years, I have been the only one in my family to help my mother through some major health issues, including ER visits, surgeries, hospital stays, etc. As the rest of my family live at least 3 hours away, I've been stuck. I have not been able to really start my own life. My friend was my escape out. She was the mother to me that most dream of. When I lost her, my whole world fell apart. I once thoroughly loved my job. It is now something I dread completely. This month has been extremely hard on me as I am facing the Christmas break (I work in a preschool so get 2 weeks off for Christmas). I have always dreaded the holidays because my home life was so stressful. I would spend some time with my friend to help break up the break and it wouldn't be so stressful. This year though I do not have that. Most of my other friends have alienated me because they think I should be over her death by now. My new supervisor has made things horrible in the classroom. It's like having to pick between to horrible worlds.
I have been physically sick from all the stress. I started to drink but have been aware of how much I was drinking. It's been nothing more than wine coolers but the amount was increasing. I would refuse myself to buy any at the store so I would not have it at home when I would want to drink the most. All I have felt like doing is running away as far as possible but know that's not a choice and that it wouldn't solve anything.
I wish the rest of my siblings & family would be able to help take care of my mother. It is too much for one person to handle and I think I have done more than my fair share. I can't even have one day where I do not have to do something for her. If I do not answer my phone, she continues to call constantly! For example, this weekend I turned my phone on silent for just one hour... I had 18 missed calls, 7 nasty voice mails, and 5 nasty text messages demanding that I call her immediately. That's only in a single hour! I could be sick and she would still push me to get out and go to the store or get dinner for her when she has food in her refrigerator but is too lazy to cook.
I am so done! I want to just give up and not go on anymore...

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42438
   Posted 12/20/2010 11:08 AM (GMT -6)   
It sounds like you need to get the siblings together and devide up the tasks that it takes to take care of your mother, you shouldn't be the only one. Though you will be blessed for your kind jestures.

Grief is different with all of us. If you aren't over losing your friend, well that is normal. It takes time and there is no limit on that. You will get over this in due time, just allow yourself to grieve. You might want to go to grief counseling in your case. If you feel that things aren't going the way that they should, but know that you are doing nothing wrong by grieving your friend. I am sorry for your loss.

Please keep posting as I know that the other members will have advice for you. You sound like a kind person. Don't change that.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

LNichole87
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2010
Total Posts : 226
   Posted 12/20/2010 1:42 PM (GMT -6)   
I wish I could get my siblings together. When my mom was in the hospital back in Sept or Oct, my aunts, grandma and brother stepped up some but now that she's back home, They have disappeared again. My oldest aunt at least is helping my mom keep on track with money/bills so that does help some. It would be nice to have them closer though so on the nights she spends in the ER, I wouldn't have to constantly be the one there. Don't get me wrong, I love my mother to death but dang! In one month's time, there was an 8 day hospital stay, 18 ER trips (sometimes 2 times in a day) and numerous other dr visits in between. Working one job full time, another part time job babysitting, taking 13 hrs of classes and then taking care of her full time on top of it all is way way way too much! I ended up failing two of my classes (my online classes) because I was unable to get to the library and keep up with the homework since we were at the hospital so much.
I know I'm battling depression but after the issues with my father its extremely hard to talk to someone face-to-face about it. I have major trust issues. When I finally am able to trust somebody, I end up getting too close emotionally. The phrase "I promise" makes me cringe every time I hear it because growing up my father would always say he would visit and then add on "I promise" but then never show up. If he did show up, he stayed at the house and missed everything that I wanted him to see/do and was the whole purpose of the trip. Unfortunately yesterday I not only got into arguments with my mother, but it was the first time in 5 years that I responded to anything my father texted me (BIG mistake) and ended up in an argument with him as well. I spent the entire day either crying or sleeping. My eyes are still sore and bright red today and sick to my stomach. I don't understand grief and wish it would just go away but I know it won't....
I am glad I found this website though because I respond best with my feelings through email/chat. It takes out the face-to-face pressure. Rejection isn't.. immediate.

LNichole87
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2010
Total Posts : 226
   Posted 12/20/2010 1:43 PM (GMT -6)   
Sorry for such long posts. I had a short reply in my head but once I started typing it got longer and longer. :)

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42438
   Posted 12/20/2010 2:52 PM (GMT -6)   
I am glad that you wrote a long post, just putting your feelings down on paper (screen) you get a lot off of your chest. This should help you to feel better. And it is nice to know that somebody out there understands and cares.

18 trips to the er is a lot. I am sure that this is putting a lot of strain on you. Is your mom a senior citizen? They have people that will come in and visit her for a while to give you a break. That is what I did with my grandmother. I had people come in and sit with her, they would read to her and other things. It freed me up so I could have a life. There is also the department of human services. She might be eligable for some help there too. I would look around and see about home help care also and see if she qualifies for anything. Keep us posted and let us know how you are doing. Keep your chin up. It really helps make the day go by better. Know that we are all here for you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

LNichole87
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2010
Total Posts : 226
   Posted 12/22/2010 12:16 PM (GMT -6)   
My mother is actually only 54 but has a lot of leg pain but uses it more as an excuse than anything. My aunt is trying to get some home health care but there's only a limited amount that insurance will pay for unfortunately.

It has been an extremely hard week for me, mainly yesterday and HUGE time today. Today is the last day before Christmas break and even with my friend here & alive it was hard to go on break because of home life. Today is also the last day I will see the kids because I am trying to get transferred to a different school because of such high frustrations and tension with my new supervisor. It's not fair to the kids (they are special needs preschoolers) It's killing me inside! I wish my supervisor would be the one to transfer or that I could take the kids with me. I love them like they were my own. With some of these kids, this is the 3rd year I've been with them. They were my main reason for not transferring after my friend passed away. I broke down right after my morning group of kids left and that's when I came here to start writing. I've been crying constantly. I have about 10 minutes left before I have to pull it together for my afternoon group. Not wanting to go on tho...

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42438
   Posted 12/22/2010 1:54 PM (GMT -6)   
This is an especially hard time of the year. Now and the next couple of months. It just seems to be that way. I don't know, I guess the holidays have a lot to do with the way that we feel.

Has anybody told you why your mom is in such condition? Why she is in so much pain. I have fibromyalgia and am in pain all of the time. It is hard, but I make my way through.

Don't underestimate your mother's pain. We don't really know how she actually feels. Only she knows that. But if she is exagerating it, I feel bad for you. It is a hard thing to deal with.

Be easy on yourself, especially during this time. Maybe take some leisurely time for yourself and do something nice for just you.

Keep trying. Things will get better. Good luck with group.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

LNichole87
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2010
Total Posts : 226
   Posted 12/22/2010 6:12 PM (GMT -6)   
They have tried saying mild neuropathy and tried gabapenton but it jsut added bad side effects. I don't think that's what is causing it but it is like a last resort diagnosiis because they do not know what else to call it. She also has asthma, supraventricular tachacardia (luckily had heart surgery in Nov to fix this), sleep apnea, uterin (sp?) blood clot, mild neuropathy, unexplained post-menopausal bleeding, plural effusion, and undiagnosed severe depression... I think that is the end of the list. It's been crazy!
She may not be exagerating her pain but it sure feels like it. I know some things that she could do (some bathroom issues mainly) but she is just lazy and asks for help because she knows I have a hard time saying no.

The afternoon went pretty good for me actually. After my meltdown over lunch, typing on here and talking with a friend, I was determined to make the last day with the kids the best it could be. Of course there are two little boys that I get constant hugs from which makes any bad day better. Today I had 3 that were my best buddies :) Their smiles and hugs melt my heart every time and if it was possible I would take them home with me in an instant! :)

Thank you for all your replies Karen :) It has helped to be able to talk about it more without being told I should be over it all by now. Hugs

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42438
   Posted 12/22/2010 6:39 PM (GMT -6)   
I am glad that you made some fond memories today. You will never regret the kids. That must be fun times for you. They are so special.

If you are inclined to think that your mom is playing you, then she probably is. I am sorry about that. You might have to start some tough love with her which isn't easy. But it will be for her own good. Let her know that there are things that you expect of her and that she needs to do them. It will make her stronger in the long run. Don't let this run you down. You are taking on a lot. Somebody eventually will have to become her gaurdian if she keeps going down hill. Especially if she has any mental issues. She will need somebody to take care of her if she doesn't start taking care of herself.

You don't have to take this on if you don't want to. There are other routes that you might be able to choose. It is a huge responsibility, but she will eventually need somebody to speak for her behalf and look out for her best interests. Anyhow, take it one day at a time. Try not to worry too much. This will work out for the good. You sound like a good person and things end up working out eventually. And we learn in the process. Take care, Oh yeah, I couldn't think of the word back there. But if you ever do become gaurdian over your mom, make sure that you get conservator too. This gives you charge of her financial issues and her health. You make the decisions. But like I say, it is a lot of responsibility. But if you are doing it anyway, you may as well have control. And if she has any monies, you can get paid for it. That is if it ever comes to that point. That could be years down the road.

I am rattleing on.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

LNichole87
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2010
Total Posts : 226
   Posted 12/22/2010 7:41 PM (GMT -6)   
These kids I work with aer special needs children and the unconditional love they show even through their disability is awesome. With growing up without my father around, and my parents constantly fighting.. I had some of the same issues growing up as many of these kids have too on top of their disability. i have made it one of my missions though to provide them with at least the 3 hours they are with me, a safe and loving environment, making sure they know they are and will always be loved no matter what they do. One of the little boys that is pretty close to me now actually started out with major meltdowns and headbuttin and biting all the staff (he has autism). Now he only has a meltdown every once in awhile. I get squeals, giggles and tackled to get hugs :)

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42438
   Posted 12/22/2010 10:06 PM (GMT -6)   
That is so sweet. You are a very special person. My DIL works with autistic children. It is quite rewarding.

Thank you for sharing your experiences. That is so cool. Keep up the good work. This this job just come to an end? What will you do now?

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

LNichole87
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2010
Total Posts : 226
   Posted 12/23/2010 9:39 PM (GMT -6)   
It is a very rewarding job! The kids have been a big reason why I keep going everyday :) This classroom is the one I am transfering out of but it will be into another classroom with special needs kids but elementary level instead of preschool. I don't want to leave but the new supervisor isnt going anywhere & if I stayed I most likely would end up losing my job. Plus its not fair to the kids to be in the tension. I have had to keep telling myself that because if I dont I dive even deeper into depression because it kills me to leave them.

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42438
   Posted 12/23/2010 10:45 PM (GMT -6)   
I think that you will get a lot of gratification out of the elementary kids too. You will make new little friend. This warms my heart to think about it. These children are lucky to have you coming. And know that the time you spent with the preschoolers was wonderful for them and they will remember you for that.

Keep posting and let us know how things are going.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

LNichole87
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2010
Total Posts : 226
   Posted 12/23/2010 11:23 PM (GMT -6)   
I have found myself on the verge of crying all night. I'm really missing my friend. I tried to clean house to keep my mind busy but I ended up finding the Christmas card she gave me last year... As I'm typing, I have tears just flowing. I've tried to stay strong and not think about it but I can't fight it anymore.. In the card she wrote "I know you said 'I am not looking forward to Christmas', but think of using this time to make new memories & starting the steps to you new independent life. Relax (which was underlined a few times lol) & get some sleep over break & if you want to get together give me a call. -Debbie"

Oh how I wish I could just give her a call... to hear her voice one more time..

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20190
   Posted 12/24/2010 1:06 AM (GMT -6)   
I KNOW THAT PAIN. MY HEALING COMPASSIONATE PRAYERS TO YOU.

-JAMIE.
SCHIZO-AFFECTIVE DISORDER, EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER, BORDERLINE TYPE -AXIS 2 , BI-POLAR AFFECTIVE DISORDER AXIS 1

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

LNichole87
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2010
Total Posts : 226
   Posted 12/24/2010 1:11 AM (GMT -6)   
Thank you Jamie :) It would be so nice if there was a phone line to heaven... of course I imagine it would be a very busy phone line

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42438
   Posted 12/24/2010 8:37 AM (GMT -6)   
Why don't you call her? Is there a reason? Or are you just scared? I am sure she would love that. And today would be a good day to do it.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

LNichole87
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2010
Total Posts : 226
   Posted 12/24/2010 8:45 AM (GMT -6)   
She passed away in May

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42438
   Posted 12/24/2010 8:50 AM (GMT -6)   
OMG I am so sorry. You could write a letter to her. I know this must be hard for you. Try to remember fond memories. Write them down if you feel like it. I didn't realize that she was gone, though you probably mentioned it in your earlier post. I got mixed up.

I hope that things get better for you. Keep fond memories of your friend and know that you will be together one day. Try to enjoy the season. Try not to be sad, but if you need a good cry, go for it. Let it all out hon.

Keep posting and know that we all do really care.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

LNichole87
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2010
Total Posts : 226
   Posted 12/24/2010 9:09 AM (GMT -6)   
Thanks Karen, Im doing better than I was in June. I at least now can go out to the cemetary and leave without total meltdown or needing someone to either talk to me or come and get me. There was a few times I went out for a short visit and just couldn't leave.. I still do not understand why it had to happen to her. April 1 she went for a simple knee surgery and it went downhill from there. about May 11 or so we found out that she had cancer and she passed away May 30. She wasnt my biological mother but we were close & she treated me as I was her child.

LNichole87
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2010
Total Posts : 226
   Posted 12/24/2010 3:18 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi It's Genetic,
I actually was talking with my aunt just a few days ago about getting my mother a psych evaluation. It was actually her idea. I've started staying at my apartment more and finally enjoying it. I'm lonely but at the same time away from manipulation & emotional abuse... I got a package from my father today. It was nice as it was a Christmas present. What came afterwards was what hurt... he called & I didnt make it to my phone in time, which I honestly I probably wouldnt have answered anyways.. He leaves a nasty message though and then wonders why I dont have anything to do with him :(

hi Youngmil,
thanks for sharing some love & sunshine, definately needed at this time!

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42438
   Posted 12/24/2010 3:29 PM (GMT -6)   
I am sorry for your situation with your father. He must be miserable to leave a nasty message on your phone. Try not to let it get to you. As he sounds like a very unhappy person. Focus on the good things right now. Have a very Merry Christmas.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

LNichole87
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2010
Total Posts : 226
   Posted 12/24/2010 3:32 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks Karen Im just wishin for the holidays to pass quickly...

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42438
   Posted 12/24/2010 3:56 PM (GMT -6)   
They will sweetie, they always do. And before you know it it will be spring. Time goes by so fast and faster and faster as we get older. So hang on to every minute.

Try not to let your dad get to you. I know it is easier said than done. Pray for him. That often helps to change people's attitudes. You are a wonderful person, he is just an unhappy individual. And he owns that problem. Not you. It just effects you from time to time. But let him stew in it. Let him think about things for awhile. Hopefully he will change his ways. And if he don't, well that isn't your problem either.

You can be happy. It takes time and practice. There is a book called "Feeling Good" By Dr. David Burns. It is a really good book. If you get a chance, look it up. You can find it cheap used on the internet. I can't remember for sure where I got mine, but I think it was Amazon. But it is a really good book and I think it would help you.

I hope that you have a most wonderful Christmas. I am glad that you are continueing to post. We can support you here.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

LNichole87
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2010
Total Posts : 226
   Posted 12/24/2010 4:37 PM (GMT -6)   
I'll have to see if I can find that book. I don't know how to be happy, at least not truly happy.. Its been so long. Ive faked it for so many years...

Its Genetic,
I'm trying! I know my friend would want me to have a pleasant break. :)
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