Thank you. I am actually doin online classes for college right now. It is just that I use to be a person that had so much confidence and now I have gotten so confertable with being where I am its scary to think of being any other place. I had lots of friends I got out all the time I use to be so fun and now I don't feel and eighth of what I use to be. It feels like if I leave my Boyfriend that I will be taking something away from my son. Something I never had. Something I always wanted him to know. I want my son to know what a good relationship is but I am not sure that I set an example with the one I am in now.
I hate it when he and I argue I do love him, but at this point I am holding on more for Isaac then myself and I am not sure if I am IN love with him anymore. I hope nobody judges me for the next thing I am about say because it is kind of hard to explain and could be perseved wrong. I have been talking to someone that use to be an old flame per say and talk is all it has been. This kind of gets me thinking of what other things are out there and how i really dont want to limit myself to "this". This town, this guy, this life, only the opportunities within a 50 mile radius. I am so tired of being limited. The old flame and I never really gave it a chance. He went through great lengths to find me after three years of not talking and not knowing where I was. He just knew my name and he found me! That makes me feel so special that someone would go that far to find me. He says things that are so right and at the right time. Things that my boyfriend no longer does and refuses to do.
Before I met my boyfriend, I was independant, I was head strong, I was everything I wanted to be and I loved my personality. Slowly but surely the person and qualities I loved about myself dissappeared. I find myself in routine and I hate it. I never wanted to be the girl who had to depend on anyone, I could do it by myself and if I couldnt then I would wait to obtain that thing until I could do it on my own. I had dreams and had the world at my finger tips and I was ready to go and taste the worlds colors. Now I am stuck. Stuck here. Feeling like this. It drives me absolutely crazy.
I use to say I loved him to whoever asked if I was in love. Now it almost makes me sick to even say those words. Whenever he says things that irritate me or degrades me it makes me become a hateful person. He says things about my family and I really hate that and I hate who he makes me become because I yell and say things that I never wanted to say. I am a say it like it is kind of girl and if some people cant handle that then they shouldnt be around me. That is how I always have been and now I barely even say anything.
I just dont know how much more I can take. It is this or the sanity of me and my son. My son is my world and I would never take my son away from his father. I am not that kind of person, but its a I wish I could have the Baby without the Baby's Daddy kind of deal.
I am 21 years old. I should not be feeling this way. Nobody should feel this way. I just don't know what to do anymore.